This week

Nice Guy's granny died Monday evening. We just happened to be at his mom and dad's when the call came in. Viewing will be Thursday, and funeral Friday.

He's holding up. He thinks he has to keep it all together for everyone but I've tried telling him that what they don't know about won't hurt them and he can cry when it's just us. So far he's mostly just having those little moments--you know, when you're at the grocery store and you see ginger snaps and your eyes well up because that's what They used to buy? Maybe, in a way, that's the better way to handle it. I'd rather have memories that sting than the crushing sadness of goodbyes not said.

That being said, I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I love my baby but she has driven me far beyond insanity. I'm not sleeping and I'm trying to keep things together for NG and take care of her too. I'm trying to make food plans for after the funeral since I'm one of the few family members who isn't preoccupied with grieving. I don't even know what I'm going to wear to this thing. And what is Sweet'ums doing? Acting up. Acting out. Her teacher is out right now and there's a sub who doesn't have a clue. I think that's the source of a lot of this. Combine that with the stress at home right now and I'm sure she's really unsettled. And of course, and unsettled baby means an unsettled mama.

On the other hand, I do have a couple pictures to share.

These are from Halloween so I'm a little late sharing. Just thought you'd enjoy. Even though at home we've lost a little of the progress we'd made, she's still doing really great at school. She's even made a friend who, according to her teacher, she chats with constantly. She also stood up to a mean boy the other day, but you can read all about that on the Froggy Blog.

I'm trying to catch up with blogging but this next little while might be a little rough, so if you don't hear from me don't panic. Holidays are coming and NG is going to have a rough time with them, I already know. Christmas, especially, since his granny always did a Christmas party. I'm going to do what I can to help them but it's going to be rough on everyone, so keep them in your prayers. They're going to need all the prayers they can get if I'm the only level-headed adult around. Poor people. :(

How are y'all doing? Please, fill me in. Leave me comments telling me what you're up to this week and weekend. Tell me about your weather, even. I'm just desperate for a little piece of normal right now.

Halloween, and other scary things this week

First off, go check out the new post at the Froggy Blog to read about Sweet'ums' latest... umm... adventure. :) Trust me, it's worth it.

We're having a rough time. We just got over having car problems and now it's looking like Nice Guy's granny won't make it through the weekend. We've known for a long time now (2 years or so) that this was coming but this will be the first grandparent he's lost. It's hard on him and he's trying to keep it together for his sisters and his cousins. Then Wednesday night he fell ill and hasn't shown much improvement. We don't know if it's food poisoning, stress, a bug, or something else. We're hoping tomorrow is better.

I'm also dealing with another round of anxiety. I'm not sure what exactly has triggered it, unless maybe it's a time-of-year thing for me. It seemed to start when a friend of mine posted something on Facebook that got to me but I don't know if I was already having issues and I just noticed it then, or if that actually started it. I'm tired, worried about everything, and everything feels like a fight. I'm about ready to talk to someone, if I can find a good doctor around here.

I've also been thinking a lot about my uncle. It's been almost a year that he's been gone, and I've managed to not think too much about it until now but it's starting to creep up on me. It has been an entire year since I saw him for the last time. I can't help but think of all the time wasted by hard feelings over his sexuality, of all things. Something that should have mattered only to him and his boyfriend but because the Bible tells us so it was taken as a personal affront. He was plagued by addiction and seemed troubled and conflicted about those lost years too. Now he's gone and not plagued by those things anymore, but I always will be. He will always be the first brick pulled from the wall of religion I put up as a kid. That wall blocked out anything the church or family considered to be "other". That wall blocked anything they deemed sinful. He made me pull out the first brick. Because of him I had to stop and evaluate how in the world we could separate loving the person from condoning a lifestyle. Thanks to him I learned that the world really is far more complex than the simple black-and-white that the folks at church want us to believe. And thanks to him, I was opened to the idea that maybe salvation and spirituality and a person's relationship with God might be much, much more personal and complex than the church wants us to believe. I've thought about it a lot the last day or two and I can't shake it out of my mind.

So yeah, it's been a long week. I'm really ready for a break. Sweet'ums will be staying with my mom this weekend so depending on how things go and what all happens with NG's granny you could be hearing from me again very, very soon.