It's that time again. A dear friend (a slightly older dear friend) is expecting. She was my biggest ally for a while, one of the few people I had who really understood why we weren't just taking the leap with having another baby. She really "got" that sometimes you have good reasons to not do the things you really want to. Oh, and I know that most people understand that on some level, but when it comes to kids most people have this, "Go ahead, the details will work themselves out," kind of attitude about it, and since it's a HUGE life change I don't really like leaving the details to chance. But anyway, she was one of the few people in my life who totally got that, without judgment or comment, and who only occasionally teased me about when we'd have another (she has two young sons and thinks I should have a daughter to marry each of her boys).
I'm sooo happy for her. I truly am. This might be the chance for her to get the daughter she's been wanting. This will most certainly be her last child, as she's not getting any younger and her husband, who is even older than she is, wasn't really looking to have any more kids. And she's nervous about the whole thing, and I get that too--there's so many issues for her right now like how she wasn't actually planning a pregnancy, she isn't sure when her last period was so she has no clue how far along she might be, and she's terrified that a medicine she has taken might have hurt the baby. And I know that having this baby doesn't change that she understands where we're coming from. She was afraid I'd be upset with her.
I guess my problem is I haven't figured out yet how to not get sick to my stomach every time someone I love comes to me about being pregnant. I haven't figured out how to stop being angry every time someone I don't love so much tells us they're pregnant. I don't know how to take me and my feelings out of the equation. And it doesn't even make sense. I mean, how can I be so happy for her and so sad at the same time? How does a person want to dance and cry at the same time? And it just all turns into hating myself for not being happy without reservation and without that sour pang of jealousy.
And I'll confess here what I won't admit to her, what I haven't admitted to my own mother. I was off birth control this month. It's actually the result of a financial hang-up at the beginning of the month when I needed to reorder, and since I have a particular start day that I stick to in regards to my husband's work schedule I had to wait the whole month before that day on his work schedule would roll around again so I could start. We were a little careless, thinking hey, we're never going to just decide to do it, so if we just don't worry about it this month and it happens then we'll just go with it and be happy. And this morning I tested after a week of symptoms that in most women would point towards the possibility. My results were, of course, negative.
This, less than a week after my baby turned 4 and we've been so nostalgic over her. I think back to her baby days and all I want is a time machine so I can go snuggle with 1 year old her for just ten minutes.
I love my friend and I'm so, so happy for her. I don't, however, love myself right now. The absolute polar opposite, in fact.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
11:56PM
Hold onto your hats, ladies:
My baby is turning four.
What a ride it has been.
From a beautiful, screaming newborn;
to a sweet one year old;
to a capable and smiley two year old;
to a prissy, strong-willed three year old;
to a beautiful, screaming, sweet, capable, smiley, prissy, strong-willed, independent, amazing four year old...
I love you, sweetheart. I always will. Happy 4th.
My baby is turning four.
What a ride it has been.
From a beautiful, screaming newborn;
to a sweet one year old;
to a capable and smiley two year old;
to a prissy, strong-willed three year old;
to a beautiful, screaming, sweet, capable, smiley, prissy, strong-willed, independent, amazing four year old...
I love you, sweetheart. I always will. Happy 4th.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
9/11 and all that it entails
So I'm officially getting old (it's downhill to 30 from here) and thanks to 9/11 the last ten years have been neatly outlined for me. It has been a long ride but here we are.
Of the last ten years I've spent five and a half in some kind of school, five and three quarters married, almost four as a mother, and ten wondering what the world would look like tomorrow.
I woke up on that day ten years ago with this heavy feeling. It wasn't something I fabricated after the events unfolded--a couple friends felt "off" that morning too and we talked about how strange it was before school started.
My parents worked hard to keep us sheltered from the world but 9/11 opened my eyes. I think of it sometimes as the day I grew up because before that day, the bad things in the world seemed so far away. I think a lot of young adults would tell you that. It made me realize that there was a whole world out there and it was the first time I became aware that some religious sects harbored a great deal of hostility. In the ten years that followed I learned that there were far more friendly Muslims than there were hostile ones and having religious differences didn't really make us all that different. People are still people, regardless of their faith, and most of us want basically the same things out of life--love, happiness, and to provide for our families.
The last ten years have seen a lot of change in my life. My family uprooted from a church we'd been at since my toddler years and I left my "accelerated" high school program in favor of my newspaper class and AP and honors courses. Two uncles, who hadn't really been in my life much, died; another, who had been involved in my life a great deal, created a chasm in our family. I had two ear surgeries and then went off to college. Marriage and parenthood changed my life in the best way. We had the summer of the hurricanes and countless other storms. Of course we had 9/11 and that created enormous change for our world. What a lot of upheaval.
But you know, other than dealing with the 9/11 stuff, it hasn't been so bad. A lot of good has happened in my life. I've met some truly amazing people and made some great friends. I crossed paths with the man who would become my best friend and husband. I've had a long road with my kid dealing with things I wouldn't have chosen for her but in the long haul, I know it makes us stronger. Things like that happen for a reason.
So hopefully today will be a good day. Hopefully I can tune out all the sad stuff and focus on the things that make my life what it is. Hopefully when I wake up that heavy feeling will be replaced by something better.
But there is one thing... All I really want for my birthday is to see my BFF. The funny part? I don't think she would be overseas were it not for 9/11.
Of the last ten years I've spent five and a half in some kind of school, five and three quarters married, almost four as a mother, and ten wondering what the world would look like tomorrow.
I woke up on that day ten years ago with this heavy feeling. It wasn't something I fabricated after the events unfolded--a couple friends felt "off" that morning too and we talked about how strange it was before school started.
My parents worked hard to keep us sheltered from the world but 9/11 opened my eyes. I think of it sometimes as the day I grew up because before that day, the bad things in the world seemed so far away. I think a lot of young adults would tell you that. It made me realize that there was a whole world out there and it was the first time I became aware that some religious sects harbored a great deal of hostility. In the ten years that followed I learned that there were far more friendly Muslims than there were hostile ones and having religious differences didn't really make us all that different. People are still people, regardless of their faith, and most of us want basically the same things out of life--love, happiness, and to provide for our families.
The last ten years have seen a lot of change in my life. My family uprooted from a church we'd been at since my toddler years and I left my "accelerated" high school program in favor of my newspaper class and AP and honors courses. Two uncles, who hadn't really been in my life much, died; another, who had been involved in my life a great deal, created a chasm in our family. I had two ear surgeries and then went off to college. Marriage and parenthood changed my life in the best way. We had the summer of the hurricanes and countless other storms. Of course we had 9/11 and that created enormous change for our world. What a lot of upheaval.
But you know, other than dealing with the 9/11 stuff, it hasn't been so bad. A lot of good has happened in my life. I've met some truly amazing people and made some great friends. I crossed paths with the man who would become my best friend and husband. I've had a long road with my kid dealing with things I wouldn't have chosen for her but in the long haul, I know it makes us stronger. Things like that happen for a reason.
So hopefully today will be a good day. Hopefully I can tune out all the sad stuff and focus on the things that make my life what it is. Hopefully when I wake up that heavy feeling will be replaced by something better.
But there is one thing... All I really want for my birthday is to see my BFF. The funny part? I don't think she would be overseas were it not for 9/11.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
A Little Light Blogging
I've been slipping up again with my blogging. Things have been a little crazy and honestly, I sleep every spare moment during the day and my nights are filled with trying to get Sweet'ums in bed.
As you know I had my gallbladder out in July. Things have been going well with that and I feel like a new person. I'm adjusting to eating differently but I still mess up sometimes. It really just means thinking more about what I eat and avoiding all those fatty, greasy foods we all know we should avoid anyway.
Where my real stress has been coming in is with Sweet'ums. Bedtime is a real fight lately and I wouldn't worry so much about it except that she has to be up at 6AM for school. And as much as I love her being in school, part of me wants to just forget it and let her stay up so that when she does, eventually, go to sleep, I can at least just let her sleep in the next morning and sleep in myself too.
Speaking of school, she's doing very well. Her bus driver and aid are very nice and her teacher keeps in constant contact with me during the week. It's very reassuring and I know that if there's a problem, they'll make sure I know about it.
So honestly, I'm walking around like a zombie and that's why I haven't posted as much. My mind really hasn't been present enough and nothing is really going on to talk about.
Is there anything my lovely readers would like to hear about? I'll gladly take requests. I'm just out of ideas at the moment.
As you know I had my gallbladder out in July. Things have been going well with that and I feel like a new person. I'm adjusting to eating differently but I still mess up sometimes. It really just means thinking more about what I eat and avoiding all those fatty, greasy foods we all know we should avoid anyway.
Where my real stress has been coming in is with Sweet'ums. Bedtime is a real fight lately and I wouldn't worry so much about it except that she has to be up at 6AM for school. And as much as I love her being in school, part of me wants to just forget it and let her stay up so that when she does, eventually, go to sleep, I can at least just let her sleep in the next morning and sleep in myself too.
Speaking of school, she's doing very well. Her bus driver and aid are very nice and her teacher keeps in constant contact with me during the week. It's very reassuring and I know that if there's a problem, they'll make sure I know about it.
So honestly, I'm walking around like a zombie and that's why I haven't posted as much. My mind really hasn't been present enough and nothing is really going on to talk about.
Is there anything my lovely readers would like to hear about? I'll gladly take requests. I'm just out of ideas at the moment.
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