New Year

First of all, let me wish everyone a happy New Year. What a beautiful opportunity to start again!

Last year I read a blog about resolutions and how they don't usually work. The writer decided instead to choose a word and stick with that over the course of the new year, hoping to improve her life. I chose to do the same and settled on the word "grow".

Growth.

"Progressive development", it says in Merriam-Webster. I grew a lot in 2008 and I'd like to continue to grow in 2009. The word reminds me to not let myself lose the ground I gained this year in my own personal development, but it also reminds me to look forward to the growth that will occur elsewhere in my life. The growth of my daughter, the growth we hope that our family will experience this year, the growth we would like to see in our finances and job experiences, the growth I hope takes place in my relationship with Ricky. It implies change for the better, and we could definitely use a little change for the better. It also helps me have the courage to embrace the changes that will inevitably come our way, to think of them in a more positive light rather than resisting it or fearing it.

My daughter is growing, changing in incredible ways and developing so fast. This growth, along with so many other kinds, is what I hope to embrace and encourage and strive for in this new year.

That was the post from last year. I've been wondering a lot lately whether I've really succeeded in what I wanted to accomplish. I can't really say, for sure. I've grown in many areas but for every bit of growth comes a new area that requires the same work. Our family didn't grow like we'd planned, and our finances took a nosedive for a while, but in the end we're all better people for it and that was part of the idea. We're still working on our relationship, but we've come to some realizations that will help us on our journey through the years. My daughter is growing like a weed both physically and intellectually. So I guess, in the end, growth was accomplished, even if it wasn't where we expected.

I haven't decided on this coming year's word but I'm in no hurry. I've got 365 days.

I'm too tired tonight to get too deep and introspective so I'm going to wrap this up for now. Good night and safe reveling tonight, folks!

Warms my heart

My daughter is the sweetest thing.






They say pictures are worth a thousand words, and I think these are. This is the baby doll her aunt got her for Christmas. She's been dragging it around the house with her for a week. As rough as the last few days have been, moments like these warm my heart.

So this is Christmas

I had high hopes for today. Giving Sweet'ums her present from her daddy, dinner (at lunchtime, since NG works tonight) as a family, playing all afternoon with her new toys and enjoying all of our time together, even after her daddy left for work.

It didn't quite work out that way.

On our way home from my mom's house last night we decided to stop and grab a bite to eat. Sweet'ums was already upset but we figured she might be a little hungry and, at the very least, a couple french fries would cheer her up. I know, I know, they're not good for her, but she doesn't eat them all the time and they're one of her favorite foods. She got madder and madder at the restaurant (Denny's was about all that was open) and at one point before the food came I had to take her to the bathroom to wash her face and calm her down. Our food took forever to come and once it did we tried enticing her with french fries. She threw one at her daddy! She has never turned her nose up at a fry before, so it worried her daddy. Then she threw the silverware off the table and we KNEW something was wrong. She NEVER acts that way in public--she knows better, and I won't tolerate it. I took her to the car and buckled her in while her daddy got our food boxed up and paid for. She screamed all the way to Walgreens, where we picked up Orajel and Motrin, and then all the way home. We doctored her up (she's teething pretty bad right now) and got her ready for bed. It took us until 11PM to get her to sleep.

Since NG is on nights this weekend he stayed up a while so he could sleep today for work. I stayed up for a while with him. Around 1:30AM Sweet'ums woke up crying so I went to her and calmed her down and got her tucked back into bed. We laid down shortly thereafter and managed to doze off. Just a little while after we fell asleep she woke up. For the rest of the night we were up and down with her. Finally, around 5:30 I broke down and called my mom. I knew I had dinner to fix and NG needed to sleep for work and it would only be a few hours before Sweet'ums would be ready to run around for the day. Mom came to the rescue for me so I could sleep.

I slept till around noon when I got up and got the food going. Dinner was tasty and pretty but it just wasn't the same without my baby at home.

So Mom's going to keep her until tomorrow. I miss her. I hate that Christmas worked out this way. I mean, at least she's with family and there's more people home at my parents' house than there would be here tonight, and she's got her new bicycle and some of her toys there, so it's not so bad for her I guess. But I hate being away from her on a holiday like this. I didn't have her for Thanksgiving (which was ok because again, she was with family) and now I didn't really get to spend much of Christmas with her, other than the time this morning. At least NG got to give her the present he bought her before she left today.

It's my own fault I guess. I don't function very well at all without sleep. NG said when Sweet'ums woke me up I said something to him, but it was complete gibberish. At the time all I was thinking about was being desperate for sleep, but now I feel bad for sending her to Mom's. The only good thing that came of it was she slept for Mom, and slept good. We think she was overstimulated from all the excitement yesterday, overtired from not getting a nap and playing so hard all day, and hurting too much with the two-year-molar-teething pain. I called a little while ago and she was napping, and Mom said that even though she didn't eat anything she's acting a bit more normal now.

I miss my baby.

So that's Christmas. I knew it would be a quiet day since NG works and even if Sweet'ums was home she'd be asleep half the time that I was up today (I'm more of a night-owl so Sweet'ums is in bed long before me usually, and she and I both tend to sleep a bit later in the mornings), but I wasn't expecting this.

On a happier note, I was so proud of my dinner that I just had to take a picture of it. Cornish game hens, green beans, corn, stuffing, and cranberry sauce. The only thing I had to put much effort into was the hens (the stuffing was just good old Stovetop) but I think they turned out really pretty.


I hope everyone had the most wonderful Christmas and got to spend lots of time with their families. I also hope everyone enjoys their leftovers!

Merry Christmas

Today is Christmas Eve and we'll be around, but spending a lot of time with family. I wanted to go ahead and wish everyone a merry Christmas and, just in case, a happy New Year. I do intend to be back by then though!

I hope that everyone enjoys their holiday and stays safe.

Almost There

So Christmas is almost here. We've been to NG's family festivities and on Christmas Eve we'll go to mine. Really, my family doesn't do a lot--they just hang out and open presents, and it's just the immediate family. But that's ok--I look forward to it.

Sweet'ums got quite a few cute things. She got MegaBloks, a big teddy bear, a couple baby dolls, some cookies and some candy. She also got a little shape-sorter thing. I'm not sure if I'll let her have it though. It's wooden and has a formaldehyde warning on it, and I'm not sure I like the idea of her playing with a toy we KNOW has formaldehyde in it. Maybe I just worry too much.

Now we've just got to hang in there until Christmas. I hate that NG has to work on Christmas but that's life I guess. I'm kind of dreading Christmas Day because NG's mom has, for the last four years, given us this lecture about how NG's grandmother (who is rather spry, mind you) is at Death's door and might not see next Christmas. I think this is ridiculous as Granny is in better shape this year than she has been the last several and yet, this year, we have AGAIN received the lectures. The difference is this: the last four years I let us be bullied into giving up opportunities to create our own Christmas traditions in favor of his granny. This year I won't. I'm making our own dinner, and we're spending what time we DO have together on Christmas Day as a family, not running all over the county. We'll only have a couple hours together and I refuse to spend it all in the car.

To be fair, we're not going to see my parents on Christmas either. I won't get to see any of my grandparents, and as badly as I want to go see my paternal grandmother, she's 1800 miles away. The day before New Year's Eve is the anniversary of my grandfather's death and I know she wouldn't want to be alone. That's where I'd really like to be, but I can't.

I just wanted to post an update. I'm sorry I don't have anything good up right now--I have a big headache today. Maybe tomorrow. :)

Just in case I don't post again before then, Merry Christmas to you and yours Patty, Ali, Melinda, and Wolfie!

Sew very nice!

THIS is what I got for Christmas!

I'm really excited. I'm a total fuddy-duddy and love getting useful gifts. I've done a ton of sewing lately so I'm psyched about my gift. Now, I just have to figure out how to use it, since I've always done my sewing by hand.

I'll yell at him later for spending the money... ;) For now, I'm just going to enjoy the thought he put into it. And he did it without help!

Oh, and I know I'm probably in trouble for not making him wrap it and not making myself wait until Christmas, but he asked me and I told him it was up to him and I don't care too much either way. I mean, we're both adults. We know how this works.

Anyway, I was excited and wanted to share. WOOOO!

Let's talk tummies

Okay, I know. I totally just went there.

We all have parts of our bodies that we hate. Some of us have several. But for right now I'm talking about one of the ones that doesn't bother me too much, but that really gets in the way sometimes.

In the last four years I've gained weight slowly. Then I lost a little when I first got pregnant. Then my (literal) inner child grew to be 8lbs and 21.5 inches long and stretched the skin on my belly beyond its limits. After she was born I dropped 30lbs in ten days. Then, one morning about a year and a half ago, I woke up and realized that sometime in the night, those 30lbs found me and reattached to me. Since then we've fought the battle of the belly bulge, and I've stayed on the losing end.

Recently I went on Metformin. While I haven't lost much weight, I have noticed that what was once filling out some of the extra skin of my midsection is now gone.

My belly looks like a pathetic, deflated balloon.

There's still some fat there but it seems my body has chosen to return to its youthful tendency to carry my weight more in my hips and butt instead of my torso. Hey, I won't complain--it's healthier for women to carry their weight around their hips than their waists. But what was once a fat roll is now a skin roll. A very flappy skin roll.

Luckily I've still got some elasticity to my skin and it's not as bad as it could be. And at least my mother and husband both derive immense amounts of enjoyment from grabbing my little deflated love handles and jiggling them and watching my whole front do the "wave". I mean, we're not talking about a little roll here... Think Shar Pei puppies.

Long-term I'm not sure what, if anything, we'll do about it. Exercise will help but it won't tighten everything back up. Plastic surgery is expensive and at any rate really just isn't my style.

So as far as physical appearance goes, it's probably my biggest flaw. My butt and hips and thighs don't really bother me. My chest certainly isn't what it used to be but it could be far worse, and honestly, it's nothing a good bra can't fix. My arms are still big and fatty, but that's something I can fix with exercise. Besides, my family is prone to having large arms, and since I tend to bulk when I lift weights I could very easily change that little problem from flab to muscle.

Of course, I'd love to be about six inches taller but alas, diminutive stature is the bane of the ladies in my family.

So that's my update on my progress as far as my outward physical qualities are concerned. Definitely a long way off from "butterfly" but hey, it's a start.

What about everyone else out there? Is there something on you that you'd change if you could?

Tickled

So I sent some cookies home for my dad because well, you know, I inherited my taste for baked goods from somewhere, and of course because Mom deserved to share the fruits of our labor too. I figured he'd love the peanut butter cookies because they were soft (he can't eat hard or crispy stuff because his teeth are bad), like the sugar cookies' flavor (and they weren't too hard either), and then he probably wouldn't like the peppermint cookies because he tends to like things more conventionally flavored.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

My grandfather was an incredible cook. Family lore says he could fry chicken in such a way that left the chicken juicy, tender, and yet slightly crispy all at once. He made amazing biscuits and his cookies were the best. His kids and even my mother tried to learn his secrets but his methods made it difficult at best. He didn't use recipes, instead using the "little bits'a this, little bits'a that", by-taste method. There really wasn't any way to convert handfuls and pinches to standard measurements, and my mom's hands weren't the same size as his. When he died, his "recipes" went with him. And for years my aunt and my dad have searched for recipes that mimicked the tastes and textures they grew up with.

Apparently, in my searches for recipes over the last few weeks, I found and settled upon not just one, but TWO recipes that are very close to cookies my grandfather used to make.

The first is the sugar cookie. My dad said that my grandfather made a cookie that was basically that sugar cookie without the extra granulated sugar on the outside.

The second was the peppermint cookie. He said that my grandfather made one like that, only without the peppermint flavorings. I think the particular form I send those ones in was part of the memory for my dad: the dough was difficult to work so when Mom and I got down to the last little bit, I took some of the green and some of the white and made a sort of rolled log out of it, and then sliced it into little cookies with a swirl design in them. My dad seemed to like the consistency of the cookies.

He said that Grandpa used to make maybe a hundred of each variety every Sunday. I don't know if the number is accurate or an exaggeration, or if the cookies are even really like Grandpa's or if it's all just the product of decades-old memories. The recipes aren't even mine--I just got lucky and found a couple good ones online.

But they made my dad happy. And making my dad happy always made me happy. Now, if I could just figure out how Grandpa did his chicken. I mean, I KNOW how he did it--it's just a matter of mastering his technique.

And, you know, getting over my fear of frying foods.

I know, I know... What good and decent Southern girl doesn't have some kind of tasty fried food in her repertoire? I think I might work on that this coming week and try to surprise him.

Homemade Christmas

This year we're not doing a lot for anyone for Christmas, mainly because everything is so expensive and NG has way too many family members for us to buy for. So this year, I'm making everyone's presents.

For starters, the grandparents (mine and NG's parents) will be getting homemade Christmas ornaments. Nothing fancy, just the applesauce-and-cinnamon recipe used by kindergartens across the country. I found some cute mini cookie cutters at the store and used those. There's also a set for our "couple friends", dear friends of ours who have kept us company on many evenings and fed us many dinners in return for fresh baked desserts. Oh, how I love our pals! Anyway, there's a set for them, a set for my old college roommate's son (who we will probably see tonight), a gingerbread couple for NG's grandparents, a set for us to put up for Sweet'ums, and two gingerbread girls and a boy that I intend to use as gift tags on the gifts I'm making for our siblings.

For NG's youngest sisters and my brother I'm making hot chocolate mix and cookies. I got three plastic trays and six holiday mugs at Walmart and some little half-pint Mason jars. I made up some hot chocolate mix and filled the mason jars with mix and marshmallows. I still have to go get some cellophane and ribbon for wrapping and decorating, but I plan to put two mugs per sibling on a tray with the mix and an assortment of homemade cookies (to be made tomorrow) for their enjoyment. If they should decide to share (and I'm sure they will, they've all got a boyfriend/girlfriend) there should be plenty to go around. I'm going to try to make sure there's enough cookies left for NG's oldest sister and her husband and son, but if not I'll at least set some aside for her son. After all, she's a mom. All moms know that there's not always enough cash to go around when it comes to extended family and Christmas gifts. I'll at least make sure her son gets some.

So for the cookies, here's what we have in mind. Mom's No-bake cookies (a wonderful oatmeal, chocolate, and peanut butter cookie), candy cane cookies, sugar cookies, and peanut butter kiss cookies. We're also keeping some cookies aside to send to my friend who is in the Army. She's stateside still, but she's away from her family for the holidays and we wanted to send her a little bit of love.

So how does that sound? We're busy right now trying to get things finished, but it's all going well.

Oh, and good news! I finished piecing the main part of the front of Sweet'ums' quilt together. Yay!

For Ali

For some reason my feed thingie won't let me into your blog. Did you set it to private or something? I wanted to comment back and it won't let me. So I'm sending you loooooooove and lots of missing you. And thank you for the Santa Key idea!!! That's awesome!

Soup

I might have said it before, but I totally have the best kid ever.

EVER.

She's always finding things to say and do that make me laugh.

Most of them slip out when she SHOULD be winding down to go to sleep.

Tonight I was rocking Sweet'ums like I do every night (yeah, she's probably a little old for it, but I enjoy the time with her) and trying to get her settled down. She was mad, at first, that it was time to go to sleep, but eventually she resigned herself to the fact that I wasn't going to let her down. She then decided, as she often does at bedtime, to change tactics from fighting to distraction.

She made a few faces at me, making me laugh. Then, she stuck her tongue out. I copied. Then, she stuck her tongue out and slurped it back in. I copied, and the slurping noise that went with it made her laugh. She continued to slurp her tongue in to encourage me to do the same so she could hear the sound (for some reason she can't make the noise). She began making her own version of the sound after sucking her tongue back in. Her version sounded almost like she was saying "soup".

Finally I got tired of slurping and just started faking the noise. That also amused her. Eventually it degraded into me simply saying "soup" and her laughing so hard that her little face turned red. Which, of course, resulted in me laughing, and her making her "soup" noise, and both of us laughing more.

Sure, we were supposed to be settling down for bed, but how could I turn down something so fun? You only get to live once and she's growing up so fast. Who cares if bedtime comes fifteen minutes late?

I have the best kid ever.

Christmas

I've never been the world's biggest fan of Christmas. It's so commercialized and overdone and lasts for so long that by the time the holiday actually arrives you're fresh out of Christmas spirit. But I think, maybe, now that I have a child some of that might change.

When I was a kid my parents really didn't do the Santa thing. I mean, they really didn't make any real effort to discourage us from believing, but I don't think they really tried to encourage it either. They told us the little stories and slipped the presents out under the tree the night of Christmas Eve.

Too many factors worked against them, though. There was the Christmas when I was 5 when I was supposed to get a Little Mermaid doll that talked when you pulled a drawstring in her back. My doll didn't have a drawstring. I knew Santa wouldn't deliver a broken toy. Then, there was the issue of precisely how Santa was going to get into my house. In the house I lived in until I was 7 there was no fireplace, only a gas furnace. Okay, I was willing to believe that somehow, Santa could find his way into the house that way. Then we moved to where my parents live now--a mobile home with an exhaust thingie for the stove but no fireplace. I knew pretty well by then that Santa was just a joke. My brother held on for a little while, but he never cared for people in costumes so there was never the same magic for him in believing in Santa or the Easter Bunny. This didn't hurt my dad's feelings, really. He was never as big on the Santa thing anyway. He preferred to read us the Christmas Story from the Bible on Christmas Eve before bed, rather than "T'was the Night Before Christmas". Personally, I would have loved both.

Now I have a child. A two year old. This year I think Sweet'ums is still a little young for Santa, but next year I'm sure she'll grasp the concept. She still doesn't grasp the idea that she has a birthday, let alone that Christmas is Jesus' birthday, so that one might be a bit longer in coming, but we're going to work on that too. But I must admit: I'm a little excited with all of this plotting for Christmases to come.

I'm looking forward to family get-togethers at our home-to-be (the sellers hit a snag with some permits but everything should be back on track soon). I look forward to decorating outside and putting up a tree in the big living room window and finally having a place to hang the ornaments we've been collecting since we've been married. I've even found a solution for the question of how Santa gets into the house: an electric fireplace. It'll take her a while to figure out it's not real and in the meantime it buys her a little extra time of belief and innocence in a time when the world is stripping away the joys of childhood as quickly as it can. It costs a little bit but it would be worth it.

I look forward to wrapping presents and hiding them until Christmas Eve. It'll be fun helping Sweet'ums make cookies to leave out with a Coke (per the request of our personal "Santa") and reindeer treats to leave in the yard. We're not the Waltons or Cleavers or anything, but I always wanted to give "normal" a try. Those were things we never did growing up.

My dad always gets depressed during the cooler season of the year (he blames it on Seasonal Affective Disorder) and after a while, Mom got depressed and said she didn't like to be the only one doing any of the "work" of putting up the tree and decorations for the holidays and then turning around and cooking. That year was the first year my brother and I were old enough to help, and was the first of a couple years where we tried doing it ourselves. I was maybe 8 or 9 at the time. After that we went a couple years without a tree because it just wasn't worth the effort, decorating for parents who were too depressed to appreciate it. Then my dad got a fiberoptic tree that didn't need lights and we just put that up year after year. My parents weren't total downers, and always tried making sure we got some stuff for Christmas and had a nice holiday, but in hindsight I think what we really needed most was a little bit of cheer, not stuff.

I still don't really LIKE the holiday season. It only gets more chaotic and expensive and impersonal every year. But I don't want my daughter hating the holiday season like I did growing up. I don't want her dreading the changing of seasons because she knows her parents are going to be depressed for the next three or four months. I want her to go back to school in January in high school and in homeroom when they ask what you did during the holidays, I want her to say she put out cookies for Santa like she has every year since she was a toddler and that it was the best Christmas yet.

I want her to know the real meaning behind Christmas, but sometimes I think that the real meaning is more of a grown-up thing to think about. We were taught it as kids and I plan to do the same with Sweet'ums but I remember wondering why people made a bigger deal about Someone Else's birthday than they did their own kids'. I want to teach her that giving is better than receiving, and I want her to donate a toy each year to a child who is less fortunate, all the better if it's a child her age and she gives something she really wanted for herself. I think it teaches a little bit of selflessness. But that's a lot for a smaller kid to handle.

I guess what I really want for her is the joy of believing. I mean, we all know Santa isn't real in the sense that he doesn't climb down our chimneys on Christmas Eve, but I think the spirit that the idea of Santa represents is very real.

Joy, cheer, giving, hope. The overwhelming desire of one person to make another's wishes come true for no reason but love. Togetherness, in spite of family differences. Excitement and anticipation of wonderful things if we could just abide by the "Do not open until Christmas" label. And maybe, above all of those other things, sacrifice without the promise of any kind of return.

As an adult I think that maybe the real meaning of Christmas isn't really so different from the boiled-down essence of what popular Christmas is. Jesus came and gave us the sacrifice of His life, without any kind of promise from us that we'd give anything back. He brought us joy, and hope, and the promise of something better if we could hold on just a little bit longer. He committed the ultimate act of selfless love and giving, so much bigger than what parents try to achieve during the holidays but with the same kind of love for us that we feel for our own children.

I know that not all parents try to give that to their children, but I think regardless of all the other motives the one that most parents have in common is the anticipation of the smiles they'll get on Christmas morning.

Maybe that's kind of what Jesus was looking forward to in eternity. Smiles, happiness, and having all of His family together in one place.

I look forward to getting those same smiles one day soon, but I hope to get them less as a result of the gifts Sweet'ums receives than as a result of the overall spirit of joy and hope and thankfulness that I hope we will be able to instill in her during the holiday season.

Today, I thank God for my husband

Warning: Very slight TMI

He gave me a wonderful gift last night. He told me it was okay to express my emotion however I needed to.

I went to bed upset and feeling inadequate, and past hurts were raw in my heart. He came to bed with me, held me for a little while, and tried to show his love for me in the purest way possible. And that's when I remembered something.

That's what it's all about: expression of love.

Not everyone can express their feelings well. Not everyone can say how they feel, or put it into words or actions, or buy gifts to express themselves.

Since my daughter was born I've had all kinds of little medical issues crop up. Some of them are bigger, like the arthritis and insulin problems, and are more obvious to people I'm around. Other problems just aren't the kinds of things you make public, and if you talk about them, it's only to the people you're closest to. Oftentimes those are the problems that drive wedges between people and leave the neighbors wondering what happened to the nice couple next door when they hear about a divorce being finalized.

And I've had my share of those problems since Sweet'ums got here.

Every time one of those little problems popped up, I distanced myself a little more emotionally from the situation. If I cared at all, I would end up frustrated and hurt inside, and the fun would drain out of the quiet moments with him and I'd eventually end up resenting him for something he couldn't help. So if I just didn't care, then the fun would still be gone but at least I wouldn't blame him for something neither of us could control.

Somewhere along the way, I took from him one of the few and most special ways he has to express his love for me. And at the same time, I took away from myself the only truly "safe" place I had to feel however I needed to feel, in whatever way I needed to feel it, with the one person who would never condemn me for it.

At some point it became "getting through it" instead of treasuring a moment of emotional intimacy. I started hating "the deed" instead of loving my husband.

So when he told me it was okay, to just go ahead and let out however I felt, that he just wanted to love me, it just clicked inside my head. In that moment my heart broke and healed all at once.

I realized what I had been doing wrong and how it hurt him and our marriage. I'm blessed with an incredibly patient man who knew I wasn't doing anything intentionally, so he isn't resentful, and our marriage wasn't damaged in a way that can't be fixed, but it's definitely something that needs to be worked on. I need to work on meeting in the middle--in so much of our life I put out so much effort, except for in the one place where we both need it most.

I thank God for my husband. He's probably the only person on earth who really understands me and who is willing to let me be as weird and quirky and dorky as I need to be and who is happy to be just as weird right along with me. He tolerated so much out of me for so long, and still put his needs aside and found just the right words to say, when I needed to hear them most, to help mend what was broken.

Funny... God has a tendency to be the same way.


I apologize if this post was too "TMI" but it was such an overwhelming realization for me, and I wanted to share but couldn't really without treading into personal territory.

Sibling Rivalry

My inner child is throwing a huge tantrum. I've decided to ignore his situation, and the girl, and the entire thing, pretend like it isn't happening, and when she breaks his heart or screws up his life, oh well--my mom and dad always said he had to learn the hard way when we were kids. But despite this decision, I'm having some major sibling rivalry/inadequacy issues.

I never felt good enough in comparison. I think they always wanted a son, and if he'd come along first they probably wouldn't have tried again--heaven only knows she had enough trouble having me. And my whole life growing up, I felt like the bad guy. I was always blamed for fights no matter which of us really started them, because I was older and should "know better" and put a stop to it. If I made the slightest mistake I got in trouble, and yet he always had excuses made for him. He had this medical problem as a child, and it justifies this mistake. He had that medical problem as a child so it excuses that error. The thing is, his medical issues were relatively minor and had no permanent impact on his well-being as a whole. They spent more money trying to fix my medical issues as a child, and I have permanent problems as a result, but do I get excuses? Nope. I'm still the bad guy. I'm still the one blamed when there's an argument and I'm still the one they lecture, despite being married, with a child, and living away from home.

I know that growing up that way was helpful in so many ways, but it sucks to be a kid constantly seeking someone's approval and never getting it. Even now, if they tell me they're proud of me, it's usually followed by a "but". And I know, deep down, that they really are proud, but it's hard to believe it when you've got a sibling who seems to be the Golden Child. Never does anything wrong, at least not that anything gets done about. And the thing is, none of the authority figures I ever dealt with ever really showed approval of what I tried to do. Everyone took an interest in him, and I always got ignored. No matter how hard I tried, someone was always liked better than I was. People at church, family members, school folks. I was smart, and polite, and well-behaved, followed by a "but" and something my brother did that was so much cooler.

None of it really matters. I'll continue going through life seeking approval from people I shouldn't and he'll go through life with people making excuses for his mistakes. I'll continue to be the daughter with the abrasive personality, the tendency for being overbearing and domineering, and the exceptionally bad luck. He'll continue to be the slacker with the cute smile, laid back personality, and the one everyone prefers to be around. Even though so many of my undesirable personality quirks come from years of being responsible for him because he had X Medical Problem and being told it was my job to look after him when Mom wasn't nearby. I took my job, and my life, very seriously and did what was expected of me. So now, I'm over it. I'm done looking after someone who doesn't care and who shows no respect. I'm over the expectations. And I'm done being the one who swoops in and fixes things when they're broken.

If everyone wants to let him make his mistakes, that's fine. But I won't stand around and watch, and I won't be the clean-up crew any more.

My inner child is throwing a huge tantrum. Most likely, no one will ever know.

My baby

Sweet'ums is finally home. I missed her so much this week. I think maybe she missed me too--she wasn't upset at all when my parents left, which is kind of unusual. At the very least she missed her other toys and babies.
It felt really good to hold her again. I missed making her laugh and the silly little jokes we share. It's so weird to hear her saying new words after just a week and to hear how much better she is at expressing herself. She's a really wonderful little person.
I coulda swore earlier she asked me, "We gonna eat?" Mind you, she's capable of good, solid sentences, but rarely uses them unless she's repeating something she's heard. Even then, she doesn't say much.
She changes so quickly. It was only a week, but it feels like it could have been months.
I'm not perfect but I want to be the best I can be for her. She deserves it. Anything in the world for more of those hugs and those sweet, dimpled, giggly smiles.

Why now?

So the alternator in my car is basically gone. It will get us to the end of the street and back, but no further. It's the first major problem we've had with this car in three years, so I guess I can't complain, especially since it's got well over 300,000 miles on it. It won't be an enormously expensive fix but it's still not cheap, and it's not money we just have laying around.
So that's the conclusion to the week. I do hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and a great weekend.

Bear with me

Happy Thanksgiving! There's so much to be thankful for--my husband, my daughter, my silly cats (who drive me crazy but are always there to warm my lap for me), hubby's job (even though I complain a lot), my family (without whom we wouldn't have survived this year), and small miracles (like finding out my alternator was just unplugged, and not dead), just to name a few. This Thanksgiving was quiet--just Nice Guy and I are at home today and Sweet'ums is wrapping up a fun week with MeMe. And even though we miss her, we're glad she's had a chance to stretch her legs and enjoy her grandparents.
Things are weird right now. The Metformin is a small miracle in itself--I've only had minor issues with it, and the trade-off is that I feel absolutely incredible. I'm not tired all the time anymore and already my weight is slipping south. My mood has picked up drastically. And this is just on the half-dose! Next week I start the full dose, and I imagine I'll feel even better. I have energy, which is something I haven't had in... Oh, five or six years probably. The result of this energy is me cleaning house a little. The downside to that is that it led me to organize some of Sweet'ums' old baby things, and now I'm a little sad.
The decision to have just one child is one I never thought I'd actually make. And really, I doubt it's one I'll ever be 100% content with. Going through Sweet'ums' things made me so sad, and brought out my pack-rat tendencies. I want to keep everything that has to do with her even though I know I can't. I don't want to give away any of her baby clothes, even though I know I have to eventually. Folding up her little footie pajamas reminded me of when she was just a few months old in her first winter, and the two of us napping in the afternoons in my bedroom, snug and warm. The little orange romper reminds me of when she had the diaper blow-out at the mall and we didn't have a change of clothes with us, so we had to buy her a new outfit so she wouldn't be Little Naked-In-A-Diaper Baby. The dress we bought her for her first Easter, that she wore to NG's sister's wedding, that brought out her pretty blue eyes. I'm overly sentimental and I tend to attach emotional value to objects that I shouldn't. NG and I will keep a few things that really bring up vivid memories--lots of people do that--but no more of her things than I can keep in a little memory box. I have to keep a tight rein on myself or I'll go overboard. But I admit that I miss having a baby around, and I especially miss my Sweet'ums as a baby. It only gets harder as she gets older, but I know we'll survive.
So more than anything today, I'm thankful for my little girl. She lights up my day and gives me a reason to be.

Today

I survived a doctor's appointment and early Thanksgiving with the in-laws today. I'm tired and not feeling so hot but at least we made it.
My testosterone is down even more but my fasting glucose is up. That scares me. So basically my options were start Metformin now, or try my best to diet and exercise and go back in three more months to see if any more progress has been made. I'm already pre-diabetic and if I wait I might end up with full-fledged diabetes, so Metformin it is. I took my first one this evening and so far, so good. Hopefully it won't bother me too much.
Dinner with the in-laws wasn't so bad. Food was good, socializing was good, and even though some people didn't quite seem like their usual selves everyone got along. My pie was dubbed "heaven in a pie crust" and my MIL found, claimed, and ran off with the last piece. Sweet'ums and her cousin played all night and when we took Sweet'ums back to Mom's house she conked out halfway there.
So now I'm home and it's quiet and I'm probably going to work on the quilt some more. Hopefully I can get some progress made now that I'm not due to be anywhere for a few days.
Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Waiting

Last night we went to NG's granny's house to see whether she still needed a ride to see her daughter that lives up the state from us. She said one of her other girls has decided to go with her so transportation isn't an issue anymore. While we were there we started looking at old pictures. After a while NG's mom came in, asked where Sweet'ums was (she's with my mom, who asked us several weeks ago if she could keep her while she's off for Thanksgiving), and started talking about getting a car seat so she could come get Sweet'ums for a couple hours here and there and get to know her better. She said she didn't want to just take her home and have her get upset because she wanted Mommy and Daddy and they weren't there. So it sounds as if she's been on the same page as me for a while, and perhaps my FIL was the one who really had the problem. Makes me wonder how many times he's used her as his scapegoat when he was really the one who had a problem with things.
So we're waiting to see what really happens, but it seems that waiting is resolving things on its own. Meanwhile, I have a week to just be "me" instead of "Mommy" and while I love my daughter and my job as her mom it really is nice to just get some stuff done around the house and relax. I'm working on her quilt and hoping to have it done for Christmas (cross your fingers!). I'm doing it by hand so it's very time-consuming, but luckily for me I'm not too bad at it and it's not as slow as it could be.

So this is what I have so far.


It's going to be seven 4-square blocks wide and seven tall, plus a one-block-thick border all the way around in purple, plus another two-wide block of white flannel to match the backing. Each block is eight inches square--each little color square is 4". Right now I'm washing my soft, pretty white flannel so it can go ahead and do its shrinking and I can get it dried (it has to be line dried) and I'm going to get to work. I'm almost halfway done with the front. If I work hard, it'll only take me a couple days to finish the front.

Beautiful reminders

Some days you wake up tired. Nothing goes right, and things that have been a problem in your life for a little while just really drag you down that much more. You feel powerless, and yet you want to change things your way, in your own time, and fix them according to the way they "should" be. And then, you open up your Facebook account, check your feeds, and find this:

'He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might He increases power. Yet those who wait for the
LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.' Isaiah 40:29,31

Waiting isn't my strong point, and letting go of things that are beyond my power is an even weaker point still. I like to be in control, capable, strong. But lately, it seems like my desire for capability and control is really just a cover for how out-of-control and helpless I really am. And many times I pray about things only to feel like nobody is listening, and I feel alone and floundering in the circumstances that surround me.

Little things like this remind me that Someone really is listening, and paying attention, and just waiting for me to get out of the way and let Him handle things.

And as a kid I read this verse over and over again, and the end of it, the "mount up with wings like eagles" part always fascinated me. But today, the part that keeps replaying in my head is the "those who wait on the Lord" part. I get impatient and in a hurry, but it's time to just slow down and step aside.

And for anyone on Facebook who would like daily Scripture in their feeds, check this guy out:
http://www.facebook.com/MarkBrown.page

Falling into place

After having a rough week last week this week definitely seems to be shaping up nicely. We were afraid that if we were to buy a house that it would be hard to get the down payment money from where it's been so far, but NG found out from a guy he works with (whose money was stashed in the same place) that they only require a good faith estimate from the loan company before they let you get your down payment money. Hey, that works for me! I also found out that for the housing credit, basically they'll re-file this year's taxes if you close before the end of the tax year, and if you close after the end of this tax year then you just file it on your taxes in the spring. That works for me too. So basically if we close before the end of December (which is possible, being more of a private transaction type thing) we can go ahead with getting the credit. If not, we wait until the end of January when we typically file our taxes, so there would only be a few weeks' wait.
I really want out of the neighborhood we live in now. There's constant crime out here and I'm scared to death to walk outside at night beyond my carport. There's always burglaries and such here in town, especially in my neighborhood.
At least in the neighborhood the new house is in I know the crime rate. I know what to watch out for, who to watch out for, where to watch for them. I lived there growing up... I SHOULD know. Most of the people there now are the same people who were there when I was growing up.
I guess it's a really big perk for me that it's up the street from my parents. Sweet'ums is crazy about them and I'm sure the feeling is mutual. I know that, growing up, I would have loved to have lived closer to my biological grandparents (one was local, one lived two hours away but kept to himself, and the other two were 1200 miles away). At least, the ones who were interested in us--the one who was local really wasn't interested in me or my brother, instead preferring my cousins. Shoot, I would have loved to have just lived close to a grandparent-like figure. Even NG lived close to fairly involved grandparents growing up. That's something I want for Sweet'ums, and if his parents aren't going to make an effort to be involved, then it would be nice to be near the grandparents who do.
Besides, the two towns we'd live between total only about 20,000 people, and they're a whole lot cozier and more personal than this city of almost 100,000. Both value the small-town feel of their communities, and both towns are still occupied by many of the same families who have been there for generations. So much of my childhood was lived in these towns--the majority of it, in fact. I'd love for NG to live in the place where he grew up and share it with Sweet'ums but his family moved so much that there's a whole huge area that he considers home--there's no one place he feels most connected to, except the area his grandparents live and there's really just not anything for sale right around there.
So I'm actually letting myself get excited now. This might actually happen. I just keept waiting for things to fall apart around me, because that's always what happens when I hope for something, but maybe this time we're actually on the right path.

For Fernie: About the house

So there's this house. It's down the street from my mom and dad, and it's HUGE. It's gotta be twice the size of the one we live in now, if not more. Originally it was three bed, two bath, but they've built on a fourth bedroom that is just beautiful. The kitchen is big, and honestly, the whole place is big enough to get the family together for the holidays for dinner and not be too crowded. It's on a quarter acre, so the yard isn't too big but it's plenty for one kid to play in. The shed takes up half the back yard, is two rooms and could easily be converted to another pair of bedrooms or a small apartment. The carport is big--it could easily accommodate two vehicles and reminds me of the little pavilions at the park. The shed and carport are both constructed of railroad ties, so they're good and solid and will probably be there long after the house is gone. It has its own water and septic, which is nice--no paying the city outrageous prices for something every human needs. The house has plenty of closet space--every bedroom, including the built-on one, has a walk-in closet, and the one in the master bedroom is big enough to use as a small nursery. Each bathroom has a linen closet, and the kitchen has a pantry. Really, you don't know how important those little things can be until you've lived someplace that doesn't have them. The kitchen doesn't have a dishwasher, YET... There's enough cabinet space that I can pull one out and put in a dishwasher and still have plenty of storage space. The insulation has been redone, the a/c is newer with fairly new duct work and the windows have all been replaced in the last few months with double windows.
The down sides are few: there's a couple minor holes in the walls, which would require patching. The entire house could use a nice coat of fresh paint, but that's not a big deal. The difficult part would be replacing the carpet and the bathroom cabinets but even that would be doable and probably not too expensive.
My biggest complaint is the price. They're asking either $80k or $85k and even though it's been worked on it really just isn't worth that price. But honestly, I like where it is and what they've done with it... I almost wouldn't mind paying the price.
Our biggest obstacle right now is paying everything off here so we can afford to start fresh there. They extended the tax credit, luckily, but that doesn't help if I can't get my hands on it until spring when we file our taxes. All we can hope is that the house is still on the market come January, when we do our income taxes.

I'm posting a few pictures. One thing to keep in mind as far as space is concerned is that in all of these pictures I'm standing at least partly in the room, so the entire room isn't visible. That means that some of the rooms are significantly larger than they look.

Front

Master Bedroom

Kitchen

Recovery

This week was bad. Real bad. Even in the throes of rage I'm not one to get my blood pressure up but several days this week were exceptions. My in-laws finally screwed up and NG says he's not interested in bending over backwards to accommodate people who aren't genuinely interested in what we're offering. I mean, what a bargain! All they'd have to do is invest a little time in getting to know their granddaughter, and then she's theirs for any afternoon or evening that they want to spend time with her!

In the end, we made an offer: If it's so important to you that you've just GOT to keep her overnight, and time is such a sensitive issue that you can't possibly spare any to come acquaint yourselves with her first, then this weekend come and get her. Keep her overnight and see how it goes. (No, we didn't word it that way, but that's the gist of it--we were trying very hard to be diplomatic)

The response? A phone call from my father in law, using the same tone that he uses on my MIL when she's making a public scene and embarrassing the snot out of him, informing us that MIL has other plans for the weekend that render her incapable of keeping Sweet'ums. In short, those plans involve her running my teenaged SIL all over the planet to watch her boyfriend play tennis, and probably involving my MIL's boyfriend at some point as well. I kept my responses simple--"Yes, sir," "I understand," "Y'all have a good weekend then."

NG is really upset. We weren't trying to be unreasonable--we're simply trying to spare our two year old the potential and unneccesary upset of being dropped off at the home of someone she hardly knows, with Mommy and Daddy nowhere in sight for consolation as the practical stranger bumbles her way through a very awkward evening. Sweet'ums is a good kid but as an only child of parents who don't get out much, she's fairly particular about who she talks to and who she spends time with. She won't even talk around my in-laws. I can't imagine her enjoying an evening with them if she won't even talk to them.

I think I'd be mad no matter how this thing had gone down, because deep down inside I have a very touchy Mama Bear who really doesn't like the idea of her MIL getting too close to her cub. But I think NG would have been far less hurt if his parents hadn't made such a huge deal out of wanting to keep her and acting like it had to happen N-O-W. I kind of suspected that this is how it would play out, just because this is exactly how everything has gone in the four-plus years I've been associated with this family, but NG always wants to think the best and hope that this time, for the first time in his twenty-five years, things might be different.

Not that I can blame him. I just stopped hoping a long time ago that manipulative and self-absorbed people would change. I went through this with my maternal grandmother as a kid. I'm not letting my child go through it.

So in the end, Sweet'ums got tucked into her own bed by her parents (who love her oh-so-much!) and has plans to go see MeMe tomorrow, who has no qualms whatsoever about making time in her day for the grandbaby.

And I'm off to snuggle into my new flannel nightgown for the night!

Ten minutes later: Ok, so maybe I won't snuggle into my new flannel nightgown... Bless my hubby's heart, he tried, but it's a size too small! Me and my fat arms! lol

Letting go... Or not

My baby has been in a big girl bed (well, a toddler day-bed, really, without the rail) for a month or so now. She's done really well in it but I can't say her mommy is doing as well. My heart nearly bursts each night as I tuck her in, kiss her on the forehead, and make sure she's got her babies (Froggie and Sister Monkey) tucked in snugly beside her. I go to bed each night, half in awe and half heartbroken at how quickly she's growing up and how easily she adapts to the changes that go with the process.

Tucking her in each night is so special to me. My parents always did the same for my brother and I. To this day I just love sleeping in a freshly made bed, sheets tucked in just as tightly as I can manage, because that's how my mom always put us to bed. And that's how Sweet'ums goes to sleep each night.

I don't mind her going to my mom's house because I know that even though Mom doesn't tuck her in quite the same way she did us, I still can count on her to put my baby to bed with the same love and tenderness, to treat the ritual with the same reverence that I do. It means just as much to her as it does me to get to see those pretty blue eyes close and drift off to Dreamland.

Which brings me to my in-laws.

Lately they've been fussing about getting to keep Sweet'ums overnight. First I should mention that in the two plus years my daughter has been on this earth, I could probably count on two hands the times my MIL has been to my house to see her, and every one of those was in the first two or three months of the young'un's life. And until a few months ago, we made trips to their house at least twice a month for them to see Sweet'ums. The only reason we stopped was to conserve gas and cut our costs a bit. My FIL stops by once in a blue moon, but usually only if we've asked him to take a look at one of our cars or if we know he's had problems with MIL and we ask him if he wants to come sit. My only problem with them coming over when Sweet'ums was new was that they'd stop by without calling--and everyone who has had a little baby knows just what a problem that can be sometimes. But they make no effort to come over--they don't even call us on the phone when something's going on, unless one of the girls mentions that we might like to know or be involved.

So anyway, back to the point. They've been fussing about wanting to keep Sweet'ums overnight. The problem, for me anyway, lies in the fact that my daughter really doesn't know them. They don't know her. Sure, they've been introduced, and they've spent some time around each other, but they just don't know her. They don't know what she likes to eat, how she likes to be put to bed, what games she likes to play. Some things they can pick up pretty quickly, but some things Sweet'ums is very particular about and those things don't come quite so easily. And they're not the most patient people. They think that they can just make a little one do things their way because they don't want to take the time to figure the kid out. They've already demonstrated an inability to follow basic instructions back when Sweet'ums was about four months old and they wouldn't even put her to bed at her usual bedtime. My FIL is much more willing to learn Sweet'ums' way of doing things, but my MIL has this mindset that if it worked for her kids it'll work for all kids, if she just persists long enough. She thinks that just because she did it with her kids it's safe for all kids (like feeding coconut cream pie to a 6 month old or giving adult Mylanta to a newborn who, believe it or not, wasn't gassy in the first place!).

I'm terrified to leave my child with her. It's not just the fact that she once tried burning her house down with her kids inside. It's not just how I hear her talk to her daughters, or how I see her feed our nephew (she never cooks... and no child should have McDonalds that often in a weekend). It's not just the knock-down, drag-out, dish-throwing fights that her and my FIL get into sometimes.

It's the fact that she hasn't taken the time to get to know my child. She hasn't been to my house to see my child in her own environment, to see the toys she prefers and the snacks she likes. It's that she doesn't see what's wrong with pumping a 2 year old full of sugar and french fries. It's the fact that when Sweet'ums was 4 months old my MIL couldn't even handle her for one night and called the next day begging my mother to hurry up and come get her (not to mention the phone call I got the next afternoon about how bad my baby had been, when in reality my MIL didn't follow any of the instructions that I'd left for her). It's the fact that I don't feel I can trust my MIL to properly install and use a carseat if she decides to take my baby anywhere, and if she DID manage to do so I can't trust her not to take my daughter to visit people that my MIL herself shouldn't be visiting. And it's the fact that, even though my MIL spends all kinds of time in my town, and even though visiting my house would only be a five minute detour off the path she takes to get home, she can't be bothered to swing by my house and see her granddaughter.

And, too, I guess it's the fact that my FIL popped off with a comment to my husband about "why should [they] always have to come to [our] house to see her" when even my FIL hasn't been to my house in months, and at this moment it's probably been two years since my MIL stepped foot through my doorway. The fact that they want to bring my mom into the argument, about how it's not fair my mom always has Sweet'ums, when in actuality my mom goes out of her way every times she comes to see my child and to pick her up and do things with her (not to mention my mom is happy to accommodate the rules we have for Sweet'ums that require more consistency).

My request was this, and I don't see it being unreasonable: If MIL would come see Sweet'ums a few hours a week for several weeks, in my house, where I can keep an eye on things and give myself a chance to feel more at ease, then after that period of time they can take Sweet'ums to their house for a night and see how it goes. They don't even want to do that! They're not willing to do something so simple to put me at ease and to get to know their own granddaughter!

I refuse to be bullied by people who seem to feel they have more of a right to my child than I do. I refuse to let her be let down time and time again by people who are more interested in doing their own thing than fulfilling promises they made to my daughter. I refuse to give them leeway to act the way my own grandparents did--either they get involved, or they don't. No hard feelings. But no empty promises and no half-assing the whole thing.

I don't even care if they break some of my rules. I mean, that's what grandparents do, they're lenient on the grandkids. But they're not even willing to do something little that would make me feel better, to help me not feel like I'm leaving my only baby with people who are practically strangers. I'm willing to let go, but I'm not willing to throw her to the wolves. Not yet. She's still too little to just be turned loose with people I don't really trust.

What do you think? I know it's only one side of the story. I haven't talked to my FIL myself (MIL is too unreasonable so I avoid dealing with her directly when possible) so I'm only hearing what NG relays, but from where I'm sitting I just feel like they're trying to back me into a corner.

My panic

This morning I woke up at 9 AM after having been on the phone rather late with a friend who needed to talk. My husband was not in bed next to me, nor was he in the shower. I checked in the living room, since sometimes when he's on night shift he can't fall asleep right away so he plays video games or washes dishes. He wasn't in the living room. There was no sign of him, his car keys, the car, his work clothes. I check the phone; he hasn't called.

I'm panicking. I call my mom. I'm thinking, maybe he had car trouble, and called my mom to come help. If he thought he'd be home before I woke up he might not have called. So I call, and Mom answers. Frantic, I tell her that he's not home yet and I'm worried.

Right about that moment, just as it's about to come out of her mouth, I realize: he's on day shift this weekend, not night shift.

I then apologized to Mom, hung up the phone, and following her instructions, went back to bed. Sweet'ums wouldn't be up for a while, so I might as well rest some more.

This is what swing shift does to people. Turns them into frantic lunatics when there's really no reason to be worried at all.

He called me later this morning, safe and sound, from work.

Happy Halloween

That's Sweet'ums' pumpkin. Mine and NG's turned out nice but it molded too fast and so it won't be going outside with Sweet'ums'. Pretty good for a first time, huh?

I hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable Halloween.

I hate this

My brother got hurt at work today. And though his story paints it as a fairly innocent accident, I can't help but wonder whether his girlfriend had something to do with it. People at work talk about how he goes on breaks every five minutes to check his phone to see what new texts his high school age girlfriend has sent him, and sends her texts back even in the middle of the school day. I can't help but wonder if she sent him a message and he was distracted while using the bone saw at work.

I can't stand this girl. I won't go into too many details, but more than anything else I hate the anger she brings out in me. She's so dumb and presumptuous. She claims she just wants my family to like her, and yet she does so many things that render her unlikeable! For example, she got mad that my brother came to my daughter's birthday party and that he didn't give her enough notice (mind you they'd only been dating like two months!) so instead of dealing with the issue in private, she kept him occupied with his stupid cell phone the entire time we were at the park. Literally, we might have had his attention for fifteen whole minutes out of the four hours of the party and six hours we were there as a family. How am I supposed to like this girl? It has nothing to do with her not being good enough... I've liked most of his past girlfriends (until they broke his heart, but what sister wouldn't dislike people who hurt her little brother?) and this is the first I've actually had real issues with. I can't stand this girl, and I especially hate how she impacts how I feel.

Ugh. I have a headache from all this. He's ok, and I'm glad about that--he was using a bone saw and the injury could have been way worse. But I can't help but wonder whether there was a lot more to this whole story than meets the eye.

Eventful Week

This week has been a busy one. NG got run to pieces at work, which was aggravating, but now he's home and resting. His shoulder is still bothering him, and if it doesn't clear up in the next week or so I'll have him make an appointment with his doctor.

We took Sweet'ums to the pumpkin patch to let her pick a pumpkin, but she really wasn't interested. She wanted to go play in the empty field rather than mess with the pumpkins, and seemed afraid when we sat her on the hay bale to take her picture (my mom has that one on her camera, and I haven't yet gotten it from her).


We finally chose one for her and then picked one for ourselves. I have big plans for these things!


I also had something very exciting happen this week: I heard from a cousin I haven't seen in years! His father moved out of state with him and his brother years ago and I've only seen them once in maybe the last ten years. We lost touch with them after they moved and heard things through the grapevine but didn't hear anything directly. People always seemed to have heard something, but never knew how to get a hold of them. This cousin and I were close, despite him being about eight years older than me. I'm very excited that he's tracked me down and that he's doing well!

Workin for the weekend

Thanks, Melinda and Wolfie, for stopping by recently. Very sweet of you guys!

I don't remember if I mentioned it before but we recently came into possession of some tadpoles. They weren't very young, and some of them already had back leg nubs, so this week has been a flurry of froggy development. We now have one who has all of his legs and is climbing up the side of his enclosure, and is tail is nearly gone. Soon the others will follow. My cats have had a blast with the tadpoles, just as we have. They'll tap on the side of the container and then chase the tadpoles that start swimming around. Sweet'ums loves watching them as well, but isn't nearly as aggressive with stirring them up.

After today I'll have my husband home for seven days, and I'm so excited! We already have preliminary plans to spend a little time with Sweet'ums instead of our normal date and I think it'll be a lot of fun.

This petting zoo is wonderful. We used to go as kids (well, NG hasn't, but that's part of why I'm planning on us going!) and it was always a lot of fun. Since NG got some overtime last week this paycheck has a little extra on it, so if we pay all the bills and get our groceries and still have some left, then we'll see about having some fun! This coming week is supposed to be rainy but this weekend is looking like it'll be clear and beautiful! I'll take lots of pictures.

The best mommy EVER

Sweet'ums is a great kid. She tends to be very aware of how other people feel, even though she hasn't quite figured out yet that her behavior can directly affect the feelings of others. She is very nurturing, and her many babies--both stuffed animals and dolls, as well as our cats--are her favorite things in the world.

She surprises me often, sometimes with those random acts that leave you wondering What is that kid thinking? and sometimes with what to an adult would be the quietest and most mundane of activities. Today, she surprised me with the latter.

Today I've been working on laundry and dishes and making lunch, and haven't really stopped to play. Sweet'ums was occupying herself quietly, as she often does, leaving me free to do what I needed to get done. I stopped and sat down at the computer for a minute to rest my feet and realized just how quiet Sweet'ums was being. I turned and looked over my shoulder and there she was, sitting in her Daddy's recliner with her baby (a Cabbage Patch Doll, this time), feeding it oh-so-carefully with its bottle. Then, she takes its diaper off, shakes it out, and attempts to put it back on (failing in the end, but precious all the same). She brought her baby to me with a little shirt to put on it after struggling with it herself for a couple minutes. I dressed the baby for her, and then she sat on the floor with the sippy cup I'd just brought her and began to feed her baby from her own sippy, cuddling and cradling it the whole time.

She tickles me when she does things like that. We've speculated on how she knows how to take care of a small baby, since we only have one child, mostly watch cartoons (not typically known for teaching infant-care techniques), and don't keep company with anyone who has a small child. Our best bet is that she remembers from her own infancy how she was cradled and fed, or that nature instills a grain of motherly instinct in girls even as young as she is.

What amazed me most today was just how tender she was with her baby. She took such great care to feed her baby, hold her just so, and even going so far as to share her own sippy cup with her baby. One reads so often in parenting resources that preschoolers are not known for their selflessness, instead preferring to look after their own interests and needs above those of anyone else. It makes me wonder whether such a tendency is expected, and therefore taught, rather than a purely natural occurrence. Of course she has her moments, like all people do, but nothing more really than I'd expect to see out of any adult from time to time. But she treats her babies the same way an adult would treat an infant, and it makes me so proud.

She's such a good little mommy, and I look forward to one day seeing her with her own children. She's got this adorable affection for anything small and baby-like (she even blows kisses at our tadpoles and calls them "babies" even though she thinks they're "fishies") and I hope it continues throughout her life.

So far, so good

Aside from NG having a long day at work today (which I know very little about...he says he'll fill me in when he gets home) so far today hasn't been so bad. Obviously we still have internet, which is great--I'm not sure which I hate more, being without net or being without phone. Either way I feel cut off from the world, and especially cut off from family.

Sweet'ums isn't quite herself today, but then again, she's a two year old--"not herself" IS her new self. But things are the same as always. The same old monotony, same old routine.

Nice Guy's arm is doing somewhat better. It's still stiff but I think it probably will be for a while. Thank you for all the prayers regarding it!

So that's my update for the time being. If anything new or exciting happens, I'll share.

Rough

Things are rough right now. I might be without internet and phone for a few days (hard times when money's tight) so I won't be around here. I have my prepaid cell for emergencies, at least.

There's issues with my in-laws, and that's a whole other problem in itself. It has me aggravated and there's really nothing I can do.

I'm really down about stuff at the moment, but hopefully by the time I get back I won't be in this funk. Hope everyone has a great week.

NG's arm

So far it looks like a sprain. We'll know more based on how it feels after he gets up. He was told to use ice packs every two hours and alternate heat and cold this weekend. So I guess I have my work cut out for me.

Pray for NG

Tonight I got a call from Nice Guy at work. Long story short, he slipped on product (the stuff they make is REALLY slippery when wet) and when he tried to catch himself on an I-beam, he heard tearing and snapping in his shoulder. He couldn't use it when he tried to get up. It's getting stiff on him now. They want him to come in early tomorrow to talk to the company nurse, but I don't really trust them. They're looking for ways to get out of taking responsibility. Luckily the ERT team wrote up a report on the accident so they can't try saying that he did it at home.

I'm worried but I'm sure it'll be ok. I just worry that it could be more serious and by waiting it could be made worse. I also worry about what we'd do if for some reason he wasn't able to work--I know shoulder injuries can start out looking minor and develop into nasty situations.

I'm also annoyed too. I don't say a lot about his job but yesterday in front of the whole crew his boss (who has had it out for him from day one) informed NG, specifically, that he was going to "put him through the barbed wire." He then proceeded to run NG ragged last night and tonight, until NG got hurt. Bossman wasn't happy about the injury, obviously, but it would give me so much satisfaction if someone would go to a superior about the way he has treated NG or even implicate him a bit in the situation. Not a very ladylike attitude to have, I know, but after nine months or so of watching your husband getting picked on, it's kind of like the parent who finally teaches their kid to fight back against the bullies. I'm tired of watching my sweetheart get beat up and kicked around by some jerk on a power trip.

So please, keep him in your prayers. My friend Patty and I were talking last night and she mentioned everything being in God's plan, even when we can't quite see where He's going with it. I've always had a hard time with that philosophy because of the way things happened with me as a kid, and wondering why all the time, but I'm trying to sit back and let God have His way. I'm not very good at it (or anything else regarding faith, it seems) but I'm trying. So please pray, and pray for me too, that I'll be able to accept whatever comes.

Growing up

Lately Sweet'ums has been being "Little Mommy". She wants to do everything I do and if she can't just do it, then she at least wants to help. She closes the refrigerator door for me. She finds her shoes when she thinks we're going to be going out. Just yesterday her daddy was making his wonderful meatloaf and when he turned around, Sweet'ums was standing behind him with my huge oven mitt on her little hand, preparing to open the oven door for him. She brushes her teeth with me every night, which is quickly becoming a favorite routine for me. She even reverses our roles sometimes, attempting to potty train me and brushing my hair in the evenings.

Every day passes so quickly. Milestones fly by so fast that by the time we've grown used to one, yet another new skill has astounded us. But then, one day, we woke up and realized that our little one isn't "just" a baby anymore, or even "just" a toddler, but a walking, talking, emotional little person. A little adult, I sometimes think.

And now, there's so much depth to her. She's so far beyond the age where she exists to eat, sleep, repeat. She's past that age where I'm trying to puzzle out what each cry means, whether she's hungry or thirsty or hot or dirty or sleepy. Now, she tells me. And when she cries, it's because she's hurting, or confused, or scared. She's gone through the phases--cuddling because she's little, cuddling because she's afraid to be apart from me, not cuddling because she's independent--and we've come full circle. We cuddle because she's a girl, because she's emotional, because the world is a huge place and she gets overwhelmed and she's just trying so hard that it breaks her heart to think she messed up somehow. Now she cuddles me when I'm upset, or when I'm insecure, or when I'm scared. I think sometimes she knows me better than I know myself, and she reminds me every day just how many things can be fixed with just a simple hug.

She makes me think so often of that song, "She's Always A Woman To Me". She's got so much going on in her little head, one minute she's as happy as a girl can be and the next she's throwing a tantrum for no good reason. She's got likes and dislikes beyond food and colors and tv shows--for example, she HATES having ice in her sippy cup. She'll shake her sippy to check for ice each time we give it to her, and if she thinks there's ice in it she'll pitch a fit. But as frustrating as she can be, every day is exhilarating. There's always new words, new skills, new interests.

And when I find myself overwhelmed with how fast my baby's growing, she's there waiting for me with a hug...

...because growing up is hard for mommies, too.

I took this picture earlier this week when we were trying on her ladybug Halloween costume. She loves wearing it and played in it for hours.

Sweet'ums at the doctor

Friday was Sweet'ums' two year checkup. She's 34" tall and 30lbs. She cried, but she kept hearing other kids getting shots. She kept telling me, "Owie!" even though she didn't get any herself. The doctor was pretty impressed with her, it seemed, since she behaved well overall and cooperated with him. We told him about her trying to say "necessary" the other day (it came out surprisingly well!) and he got a real laugh out of that.

We took her and got her an ice cream after her appointment but she didn't want it. Apparently last time she had ice cream she got a bad brain freeze and she hasn't forgotten. She refused the ice cream. So MeMe came and got her as a thank-you-for-being-a-good-girl prize. She's had a blast over there, which makes me happy. They've been going for walks and generally causing all kinds of trouble. It's hard for my dad to keep up with the two of them.

NG and I have been cleaning house since Sweet'ums isn't home. I'm not much of a housekeeper so when I get started on cleaning it's a real miracle. I'm not sure how much more I'll get done but at least Sweet'ums will have a nice, clean bathroom and a clean kitchen to run around in. Luckily, her room still stays pretty clean. I probably won't have to fight that battle until she's older.

So that's all I've got for now. Hope everyone's having a good weekend.

Birthday

Sweet'ums turned 2 on Saturday and her party was fun. A lot of people couldn't be there for various reasons, and several of the people who WERE there didn't want to be (again, for various reasons) but all in all it was a success. The party was fun and hanging out with family and friends afterwards was even better. I think Sweet'ums had more fun once all the extra people left and she was with just the people she knows best.

Fun with Mimi before the party.

Slide time with Uncle GG.

Time for a break.

Family photo time.

Blowing out the candles.

Enjoying her cake.

Opening presents.

She loves her new baby!

Playing in the dumped-out ice post-party. She actually walked through it barefoot! That tells you how hot it was outside!

So all in all we had fun. My brother's girlfriend gave him all kinds of trouble for being there, but that's a rant I'll save for another day. It just stunk to have him in a foul mood the whole day. My MIL and her mom got mad at my mom for disagreeing about whether Sweet'ums might have a latex allergy (she had a couple spots on her arm where a Band-aid had been and of course the in-laws swear she has a latex allergy... Umm, hello ladies, she had the bandage on for about two straight days and it could have just irritated her skin when we pulled it off) so my MIL looks mad in all the pictures she's in. But in ten years when Sweet'ums sees her pictures, hopefully she'll laugh and say that it doesn't matter.