My long week

I'm sorry for disappearing for a few days. I needed some time to think, process, cool off, and just veg out a little.

Sunday evening we went to see the in-laws' house. We were having a great time playing with their new dog (not that they needed one, but at least this one came to them instead of them bringing him home--he's a great dog!) and just generally enjoying my SILs' company. Then, my MIL piped up and said, "I wonder how [nephew] is going to handle it when the new baby comes."

Seriously, there were six adults sitting there. Like half of us turned and looked at her and said, "WHAT?"

You see, my SIL has been trying for two or three years to have another baby. And with every year that goes by most of us breathe a sigh of relief because she needs another baby like she needs a hole in her head. She can't get her husband to hold down a job (he works a job for a while, gets bored or disgruntled, and leaves, or he'll get fired for not showing up). She can't get him to let her take her son to get evaluated for ADHD despite thinking herself that he's got an attention issue. She can't even pay all of her own bills all the time. We're talking about a girl who, when I cited finances as a reason for us sticking to one child, informed me that two doesn't cost any more than one and that if we had another baby we'd qualify for WIC. We're talking about a girl whose financial priorities are so screwed up that she was paying out of pocket for Clomid and then going to her mom and dad and asking for rent money. Keep in mind that these are the same in-laws who can hardly pay their own mortgage payment.

Anyway, I came home and I cried. And had a heated, angry discussion with hubby (not AT him, because he was angry too--we were both on the same side). And cried. And lamented why God would give us such a desire for another child without giving us enough peace about our circumstances and finances to actually go ahead with it. Or, at the very least, giving us peace about just having one. And, cried some more.

Finally, Sunday ended and Monday started. We found out that one of our neighbors (two houses down, on my little short street) had an ATV stolen out from right underneath one of their windows. That really messed with our sense of security, if we had any left. We had gymnastics with Sweet'ums and had a busy but good day.

Tuesday dawned and I woke to a sick baby. We spent most of our morning and early afternoon getting her vomiting to stop, and after that we spent the afternoon and evening trying to get fluids and food in her without it coming back up. She seems completely good now, but it made for a LOOOOOOOOONG day.

Oh, and my new game came out yesterday, so once Sweet'ums was in bed I spent my evening playing.

That's where I've been.

To start with I didn't say anything about the SIL because I have pregnant friends whose feelings I wouldn't want to hurt at all. Obviously I'm thrilled for all of my pregnant friends who are in secure, loving relationships, whose financial situations allow them to provide for their new children, and whose support systems are sufficient for them. My SIL can barely afford the kid she's got and yet her priority was sinking money into Clomid and some sort of injection so she could get pregnant. Her family has neither the money nor the energy to invest in helping her.

I wouldn't be as mad, I guess, if I'd found out she'd done something that only impacted her, but she's bringing her son and another child (or possibly two, since they said that the doctor thinks she might be having twins) into this with her. It's one thing for an adult to make a mistake for themselves, but to me, as a mother, one of the worst things you can do is make a move that could negatively impact your children. I always figured it's one thing to hurt yourself but another thing entirely to take your kids down with you.

So I've had a lot of emotions over the whole thing. It didn't help that my week has been busy and isn't over yet. We still have a church thing tonight that I don't really want to go to but I feel obligated to. I'm just thankful Sweet'ums isn't still sick.

To thank you for sitting through all of that, I have a few pictures for you.

The first two are of our trip to Jacksonville. And in the second picture, in case you were wondering, the whited out lines on the shirt are only because it listed our home city... It just seemed safer this way.



I love my long, lean, gymnastics machine!

The next two are some of Mom's pics of our pumpkin adventure. The first one was taken right after the goofy expression one I posted the other day, so you can see the progression of it. I love that silly/evil grin!



This is what MeMe and Poppy did with Sweet'ums this past weekend. The church up the road had a fall festival and they had a blast!


Thanks for putting up with me. I'm ready for things to slow down again but I doubt it will until after the holidays, and then I've got babysitting duty for my friend whose baby should be here around that time. There's just way too much happening!

Oh, and about the neighbors

The problem has died down for now. They're still making all kinds of racket but I can live with the noise for the most part. We really want out of here, but of course moving takes time. We did have a scare today though--we came home smelling paper smoke and thought it was a fire, but it was just the neighbor on the other side of us burning some papers in his grill. He laughed when he realized that we were hunting for fire and reassured us that it was just him.

I haven't heard anything else from the lady next door so I'm assuming it's because there was nothing to tell. So for now, NG and I are enjoying our quiet child-free weekend. Those are always nice. :)

Hopefully tomorrow I'll have more pictures of the last few weeks for you.

My Pumpkin chose her pumpkin

Yesterday we went to the pumpkin patch! It's hosted by a church near my mom's house and they've got one of the best pumpkin patches I've been to. It's small so it's not overwhelming but it's got a great selection.Sweet'ums and her daddy posed to have pictures done when we got there. He's got a goofy look on his face and I think I caught him off-guard.



Sweet'ums was really excited--she loves pumpkins! I just loved the expression on her face when I took this picture. Here's a close-up of her. I love it!



So then we started the pumpkin-selection process. She is a connoisseur of fine pumpkins and she inspected several before making her final decision.

The first one was nice, but it had no stem. How is a girl to pick it up if it doesn't have a stem?



The next one had a stem, but it was just too tall and big. It sure was nice and smooth, though!



She had to check out that first one again. The "warts" on it were nice and added interest but in the end, it just wasn't what she was looking for.



This one would be nice if it didn't have a dent in it.



And then, one in particular caught her eye. It required closer inspection.



Yes! We finally have a winner!



Her daddy and I also got a pumpkin. I'll show it off once I've carved it but until then it's not much to look at. I've got grand ideas for it though!

I hope everyone had a nice Friday. I'll have more pictures up as soon as my mom brings her camera over and I can get the ones she took.

Please pray for our safety

So we live in a small mobile home park. I have five neighbors, basically--on the right and left of me, the ones directly behind me, and then the ones next to the ones behind me. Fortunately my home faces out towards a wooded area and I have no neighbors on that side.

My neighbor on one side has had many problems with pretty much all of the people behind us. She never hesitates to call the cops for any kind of offense and actually had an injunction on someone living next to her at one time. Luckily the injunction was the boundary they needed and they became friends, but it shows you exactly how my neighbor is.

She's nice. She's a Christian woman (though I don't agree with all of her ideas) and she and her husband have been good neighbors and good towards us.

About six months ago these people moved in behind me. Then, shortly after, someone moved in next to them and around the corner from my neighbor. All of these people are part of one family, apparently. They used to live in this house up the street owned by NG's work friend, who told us they failed to pay rent, kept getting noise complaints, were hard to get rid of, and then tore the house up when they did leave. Since they've lived behind us they've gotten noise complaint after noise complaint from all over our little neighborhood. The problem is that my neighbor is the one complaining the loudest. And now, apparently, they think we're in on it, even though I've only complained independently one time and I only answered the landlord's questions honestly--I wasn't sure where the noise was coming from and I won't report it if I don't know who's behind it.

So yesterday we were about to leave home when my neighbor's husband caught us coming out of the driveway. He said there was something we needed to see, that there'd been a fire. I go running around the corner of my house with him and, at the back corner of my house, next to a little bush, was a pile of ashes where some paper had been burned. He had caught pictures of the fire, the kids, and the whole deal on his phone so it's not like we don't have proof. It was less than six feet, bush included, from my daughter's bed room!

At first we thought it was just kids playing but the more I think about it, the more I think their parents are putting them up to it. Or, perhaps, they're overhearing the adults talking and they think they're doing them favors. This morning there was another fire almost the exact same distance from the same corner of my neighbor's house, and the parents could see what the kids were doing from both places. They also left a sharp, broken-off antenna where my neighbor would walk to water her plants at night (she always waters at night) and they know she has a bad back.

(NOTE***I didn't get to finish this post earlier, so this part comes after talking to the manager)

I spoke with the manager and she's doing everything she can to solve this problem. The person my neighbor is targeting as the problem isn't the parent of the kids causing the trouble. They did this stuff on her watch and while visiting her children, yes... They are her nephews, true... But she's not their mom, and legally not the person who will be held accountable for the issue.

Mostly I'm scared because I'm being brought into something that had nothing to do with me in the first place. I'm annoyed with loud music, sure, but I haven't called the cops on them. I've left them alone. I think that they don't know who is doing all of it and they just assume we're in on it. My child is in potential danger because a neighbor just doesn't know when to leave well enough alone.

I told my husband last night that I'm at a point where I'd skip having another child if it meant we'd get out of this place faster. Something has to change. When kids are setting fires near your home, it's a sign that this is not the place to raise your daughter.

Pray for us that our home and our family will be safe, that my neighbor will learn when to pick a fight and when to back off, and that our other neighbors will keep a better eye on the kids.

Back and Forth

Disclaimer: This is in no way intended to make anybody feel bad for having good news. Libbie, I'm absolutely tickled pink for your family!


I didn't post this yesterday because I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Part of me, the part that wants what it wants for no better reason than I'm female and this is what I'm supposed to want, wants to cry. The part of me that half expected this, that feels foolish for thinking maybe something had changed, wants to laugh.

Nice Guy changed his mind on me. Day before yesterday he was giving me a hundred and one reasons why we should have another baby, and yesterday he gave me a hundred and one (most of them mine!) why we should stick to just one.

I guess I'm just tired of the back-and-forth. I'm the planner type, the type who likes to know what the future holds for me and what to expect. I don't like when big plans change from day to day. I mean, I understand that things happen and nothing is ever completely set in stone, but I like predictability. And once something is decided I don't like to keep altering it.

I felt foolish enough for making my decision because I've been so firm on the whole let's-stop-at-one thing. I was never one who liked being fickle, though I know I probably am more than I should be. Now I feel even more foolish having to say that I might be back at square one again. I was always one who cried when I felt foolish. I even feel stupid for bothering to make that post the other day.

I guess maybe I'm just tired of being the responsible one. Anytime some mess happens in the family, we're the first ones they call. Now that I'm grown my mom uses me for support a lot, and it's not that I mind, but if I were to pull half the nonsense that my brother or my cousins or uncles or whoever does, I'd get the third degree--not her support or help. My whole life, if I stepped one foot out of line I heard all about it. The two or three things I've ever done in my life for myself without anyone's permission are things that still get held over my head. I was raised to be the responsible one. Nice Guy was too, for the most part--if anyone in his family does anything stupid or gets into trouble he is the first person they call to fix it. You don't know how many times my SIL has crashed on my couch to get away from some conflict with their mom.

The long story short of all of that is, part of our reason for stopping at one was to be responsible. To avoid straining the finances, leave some flexibility in our lives if his job fell through on us or in case of other big catastrophe, to have a home big enough in case a family member needed help (my parents growing old almost as fast as Sweet'ums is growing up!). So it leaves me wondering why I have to be the responsible one all the time. Can't someone else hold down the fort for a while? NG already gave up an opportunity for a college education so that he could make sure his sisters were provided for (something his parents should have been more than capable of handling). Why is it that we are supposed to limit our lives for the convenience of everyone else?

We're the metaphorical designated drivers, but maybe I'd like to be the one drinking in life for a change.

I know every family has someone in our capacity--my parents always did it for my family, both sides, and once they can't do it anymore it'll be us--but it just seems like so much of what we want gets pushed to the side in the name of stability. And I'll do what I always do--exactly what's expected of me--but the young person in my head says that it's awful crazy to do our family planning based on all of the "what can go wrong" possibilities instead of what we want. And the woman in me just can't get a grip on the fact that at 21 years old I held the only newborn that would ever really be mine.

I know what my heart wants, even if it's not the sensible or responsible or practical thing. I'm still going to try losing the weight just in case NG changes his mind yet again. Just don't hold your breath next year for any happy announcements. I have a feeling that things are what they are and probably won't be changing.

I can't believe I'm saying this

I think I've made a decision.

Today, Nice Guy and I were talking about babies. I can't remember what started the conversation, unless I made one of my off-hand "I love babies" comments or Sweet'ums said something about it. This sparked a several hour on-and-off conversation about the pros and cons of having another child. And I realized something.

My husband wants another child a lot more than he lets on.

You see, it just so happens that I married a good man. He considers family planning, from birth control to family size, to be a woman's choice. Of course he believes that men should actively participate in the prevention of pregnancy if that's what has been decided on, but that the decision is a woman's to make. We'd sort of discussed this before, but I never fully realized that he was basically leaving the choice up to me--my body, my decision, was how he looked at it. He commented that he doesn't want to take chances with my health--he'd prefer to have an only child and me be healthy than have another baby if it risks my well-being or the child's.

At the same time, he talked so much about how he'd love for Sweet'ums to have a sibling. How he feels guilty sending her into the future without someone closer to her age who she can relate to and rely on. How he worries that the burden of aging parents in the future could be too much for one child to handle. How much he values the experiences he had with his sisters, despite the rocky times, and how he wants her to have that. How he wants her kids to have at least one aunt or uncle and cousins to look forward to seeing.

Of course, I've shared before my counter-arguments to all of those things. But today I just didn't have the heart to argue. His parents are disfunctional and his extended family is slightly crazy, but he has a far better relationship with his siblings and cousins than I have with mine. I never placed much stock in extended family relationships because mine was so messed up in such a wide variety of ways.

The problem is that today he made a good point. We aren't our parents. Every parent makes mistakes, but at least we know what we'd do differently from our parents. Our siblings--the aunts and uncles of our child(ren)--aren't the same people as our strange aunts and uncles. Our cousins, for all of their good and bad, will be in our kids' lives, but they won't be the cousins our kids grow up knowing--"aunts" and "uncles" perhaps, but they won't be the people Sweet'ums and any of her maybe-siblings would know as cousins.

He really wants another kid. He's talked before about worrying about the pressure of taking care of us all and trying to be a father and all of that, but at the heart of it all he wants another child more than he worries about the pressure.

And I guess the biggest thing keeping me from just going for it is fear. I'm afraid of all the things that can go wrong. I know that fear isn't a good reason to avoid doing things, but where it could impact my child(ren) I find that I can't help myself. Nice Guy looks at all of the positive things that could happen by adding to our family while I focus on the negative.

Once I realized that fear was at the heart of all of my reasons for not having another child, it occurred to me that I couldn't come up with any new reasons to avoid it. Nice Guy and I share one reason to not do it, but it's only ONE reason: We enjoy our family dynamic so much. But, like NG said, we could enjoy the dynamic of being four instead of three just as much, and maybe more.

And then, this afternoon, we caught Sweet'ums digging through her old baby clothes. We've already noticed that she's got a preoccupation with the babies we see while we're out and about, and Nice Guy pointed out that maybe it's her way of expressing that she would like to have one around. That kind of got to me because she's so good with babies and has no problem with me holding and snuggling with them. She's happy to share her mommy as long as her mommy shares whatever baby she's holding!

So, my decision. If I can lose ten percent of my current weight by May/June I'll very, very seriously consider trying for #2. The reason for the weight requirement is A) I need to lose weight and losing that much would put me back at my pre-Sweet'ums weight, B) I've always heard that the first 10% always goes fastest and this gives me an incentive, and C) it gives me something to work on in the period of time until I'm actually willing to try, since I really don't want to go through another 3rd trimester in the heat of summer. I also don't want to have to find (and then pay the high price for) plus-sized maternity clothes, and losing back down to the 170 range would put me in L-territory instead of XL-territory.

So for you moms out there, what finally made you decide to go for #2? If you have more than 2, what made you decide to have more? Am I just giving in when I should hold strong? I admit, I'm a little ashamed and feel a bit like I'm giving in, but I don't know if I should feel that way or not--I was just always raised that you stick to your guns and never back down. Maybe it's just carrying over?

Home

First of all, a disclaimer for Ali: Please don't report all of this to your mom or granny yet. Let me get my facts completely straight first.

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Our visit with my uncle was a long one. Thanks to my mom's pastor and his wife, we were able to go up the night before, get some sleep, and THEN go see my uncle. The hotel (a LaQuinta hotel) was a nice one... Clean, courteous, great breakfast.... Everything we've come to expect from them.

The next morning, bright and early (at least to me--my daughter decided she wanted to play all night, and I was sharing a bed with her) we headed to my uncle's house, where his and my mom's mother waited with directions for us. When we got there, we were surprised to find my aunt (well, ex-aunt, but hang on and I'll give some explanation) already there, willing to show us the way to the hospice place.

Ok, for a bit of family history: My mom has five siblings, two older brothers, one sister slightly younger than her, and two "baby" brothers--the oldest of the two younger boys is about thirteen years younger than the youngest of the older set of kids (my mom's sister). Of the two younger boys, the older was married and had two kids (who are close in age to me and my brother). Eventually he divorced and I hadn't seen his ex-wife or kids in maybe fifteen years. We'd get reports of them through the family grapevine, but they led their own lives, and it's probably a good thing--that particular uncle is in and out of jail on a fairly consistent basis and it's probably better that the kids didn't grow up watching it. Then, there's my youngest uncle. Fourteen years older than me, has a long-term boyfriend (while we disapprove of the lifestyle, we couldn't have asked for him to find a better person to be with), a great job. It just so happens that his brother's ex-wife has been a close and dear friend of his since childhood so she's still in his life.

Anyway, back to our story: We got ready with the aunt and her son (my cousin, oh my how he's grown up!) to go to the hospice and eventually we make it to the hospice to see the uncle.

Surprisingly he looks pretty good for what he's going through. He's lost a lot of weight but he doesn't have that death-warmed-over thing going on like Mom's Mom was making it out to be. He was sitting up in bed, cross-legged, when we got there, working on paperwork of some sort. He was in good spirits and aside from one comment he made to me he seemed to be handling the whole thing fairly well. Uncle's BF was there, looking worn out but also trying to keep his spirits up.

From what we could understand, it sounded like when he first went into the hospital they made some mistakes. They first started treating him for a kind of cancer that this ended up not being so the treatments weren't doing any good. Also, the doctor he had at first went on vacation like a week after he got there so Uncle wasn't really getting the medical treatment he needed to start with. The doctor he has now seems to have a handle on things and wants to be aggressive in treating this cancer. I don't know really what kind of chances that this gives him, whether it's improved or not or if she just hopes to give him a little longer overall. I also don't know exactly what kind of cancer they decided he has--I was only catching bits and pieces of the conversation. I THINK I heard something about an undifferentiated carcinoma, but don't quote me on that. I'll ask some questions and find out more when I talk to Aunt again.

So I'm content with the visit we had with Uncle. He looked better than I was expecting, and honestly, I didn't get that "feel" of death on him. I don't think he's quite as bad off as Mom's Mom was reporting, and I'm wondering if perhaps this new doctor can help turn all of this around for him. Sweet'ums got to see him, Mom got to see him, and at least things were left on good terms.

Other than that, things went well. A family member acted in a way that I thought was selfish and childish but that's a story for another day.

So we're home now. I'm trying to finish up my friend's quilt for the baby shower this coming weekend and rest and all of that too. You'll get pics from me in the next few days--we got good ones of Sweet'ums on this trip and once I finish the quilt I'll take some more and share them.

Gone

I'm going to be unavailable for a couple days. We're going to be visiting my uncle. My hubby will be around but I doubt he'll get on here, so if anyone wants to talk leave me a note and I'll get back.

And just as a reminder... please, impress upon your children the importance of not smoking. Sure, drinking can kill you just the same, but smoking leads to a slow, miserable, nasty death. Tumors, cancer, collapsed lungs... It's not pretty. Don't smoke. And don't think only old people die from smoking--my uncle is only 38 years old and this is what it has done to him. It hit hard, fast, and aggressive--he went to the hospital in the first place thinking he had a cold or pneumonia, only a couple months ago. He didn't think he was that sick. And now there's really nothing they can do. Kids, don't smoke.

Trip, but not the vacation kind

Sometime in the next week or so I'm going to have to make a trip I was really hoping to avoid. I mentioned before that my uncle was unwell; today we found out that they say he has three to six months but in the opinion of his hospice nurse he probably doesn't have three months. My mom's mother (who is up there with him) called my mom today to tell her that she and her sister should probably come up in the coming weekend if they want to see him.

I've been dreading this. The last time I saw someone in this condition was when my friend died in '05, and it was so hard. I'm not as close to my uncle as I was this friend but out of all my uncles, this one was my favorite. In that sense, it's hard. He's hardly seems like family because he wasn't around a lot growing up, but phone conversations were always a riot and the rare visits were fun. On the other hand, I'm really NOT that close to him and then there's always the issue of being kind of numb inside after losing so many people over the years. There's a bit of negative history where he's concerned (broken promises and disappointments and whatnot) and he seems more like a close friend of my mom's than an actual uncle but all of that aside, he's still family. So yeah, I've got some conflicting feelings.

With NG working and all we're trying to figure out how to handle the issue of Sweet'ums. I'm really not comfortable leaving her with my in-laws (remind me to tell you the latest on my MIL later) and my only really close local friend who knows her well enough to keep her happens to be about six months pregnant. If my dad stays home he could keep her but that would probably not end well, so I really don't know what we'll do.

I'm still sorting out my feelings and mourning a bit of what might have been had our family as a whole not been so disfunctional. After all, he's closer to my age than he is to my mom's. I always felt he and I would have been close had there not been such a large physical distance (more than 200 miles) between us for so many years. The reason for that distance is due, in large part, to the insane uncle I mentioned a couple months ago. I mean, geez, he even requested that we not tell that uncle that he's sick. I wish things had been different, but they weren't.

If I disappear for a few days, I'll be visiting him. Please pray for him to not suffer, regardless of God's Master Plan in this situation. Please pray that I don't fall apart, because the last thing I want is for my mom to think she's got to hold it together for me. Pray that we find the right place for Sweet'ums to stay and that we have a safe trip.

Hugs for everyone... I'll try to get back on before I actually leave.