The waiting game

Right now we're waiting for Sweet'ums' IEP meeting. This is driving me INSANE! They're dragging their feet and in the meantime my kid's behavior is getting worse, I have no idea how to help her, and neither of us are sleeping like we should. I'm exhausted, she's cranky, and nobody's happy.

I feel like my sanity is slipping some days. I'm getting forgetful, really bad, and it's from not sleeping or eating properly. My patience is slipping too and I find myself getting irritated over little things. And the trouble around here is only getting worse--the other night, my daughter bit me for the first time. Imagine my shock! I had to get NG up to help deal with her because she was fighting me so hard. I'm probably the only mom in the world who could get bitten by her 3 year old and somehow twist it around to be her own fault.

It's starting to take a toll on my marriage as well. I don't think we'd split over it, but there's the constant strain of the fussiness all day, the hours-long bedtime fight at night, and the fact that we now have no quiet time in the evenings to just spend together.We get upset at Sweet'ums and end up arguing with each other.

I don't get how the school board can make you wait six to eight weeks or longer for something like this, just like I don't see how they could make you wait three months per stage of testing (assuming there are no cancellations). They take their time and while you wait your child gets further and further behind, so that when they do start classes (or school, if you started the process late) you look like a bad parent for having such a delayed child. Why didn't you do something sooner? teachers ask. Well, it's because the ChildFind people are SO SLOW.

I don't really blame them, exactly. They seem short-staffed for what they're dealing with. But I do think there's a massive lack of understanding of what, exactly, parents are going through at home while they wait for help.

So while we wait we keep fighting at bedtime. We struggle to get her to tell us what she wants. We trudge through the occasional (luckily!) public and frequent at-home meltdowns, scared someone's going to call DCF when they hear her screaming because they think we're trying to hurt her. I feel like I hold my breath until the nights she spends with my mom but by the time those nights come I'm so used to being up all night that I still can't sleep. I feel like the world's worst parent for wanting so desperately to get away sometimes.

We have good moments though. She loves Stuart Little and airplanes. She loves gardening with me and helping me make yummy treats. She loves art and music. We have lots of great little moments when she's having good days or good hours. I still get hugs and sometimes even kisses, though normally I have to ask for them unless she's feeling unusually lovey. She's intrigued by her baby tomatoes and roses and sunflowers and daisies and checks on them every time we go outside. At least it's something we have in common.

I don't mean to sound so negative every time I get on here. I set out with good intentions to say some positive things but in the midst of being tired and frustrated and thinking back on last night's argument and how nonsensical it was and how I was so delirious with being tired I actually washed dishes IN ANGER, I find it harder to say nice things. I'm working on it though. I promise.

Oh, I know... I should say something nice about my husband while I'm here. :) He is the most understanding person most of the time. Last night, after I got done ranting and raving and saying all kinds of hurtful things, he still told me what a good mom I was being and how good I was doing hanging in there with what I was dealing with. And he's such a great dad too. He and Sweet'ums are two of a kind and they compliment each other in the most amazing way. :)

I hope everyone out there is having a great week.

Thinking about changes

Big changes are coming to my life. Sweet'ums will be in "school" every day soon for six or eight hours (however long "full time" is for preschoolers, I'm really not sure) and that leaves me home alone. I don't yet have a second vehicle so for the moment I have no clue what I'm going to do with myself. If transportation wasn't such an issue I'd just get a job but since we don't yet know when that will happen it looks like, for now, I'll just have to stay home.

When she starts school, it will be the first time in three and a half years that my days will truly be mine. The last time I was left to my own devices was back when I was pregnant, and I slept my days away then. Before that I was in college, so this really will be a first for me.

I don't know when or whether I will go back to work, but one thing is for certain: I have to work on me. I dabbled in weight loss a couple months ago and saw great progress before stress got to me and I fell off the wagon. I gotta get to work on that again, for my own health. I have to work on improving my housekeeping skills and making life around here as consistent and normal as I can. And, above all else, I have to figure out who I am when I'm not being a mom. Other than "Mommy" I have no idea who I am. I know I'm not the same person I was four years ago.

I'm thinking of branching my blog off in two directions. I'm thinking of making a new one to devote to Sweet'ums and one to my progress in figuring out who I am. I haven't completely decided yet.

What did you moms do when your kids started school? Those of you who were stay at home moms, did you continue staying home? What did you do with yourselves?

What might have been

I've handled everything well, I think. All things considered I've coped pretty good. I put on a brave face. I tell everyone we're going to be okay. I even believe it most of the time.

But sometimes, as a mom, I just want to hear her say "I love you".

Most people mean well. But they don't understand. I had a taste of her affection just before all of this started. She had just started telling me she loved me. She had just started showing spontaneous affection. Now most affection is mechanical and she seems to just be doing what's expected of her. Rarely does she kiss or hug me anymore without being told. Even more rarely does she verbalize her affection.

I don't know. Tonight it just got to me. He seems mad at me for some reason, says that both of us can't cry at once. He's had plenty of chances to cry. Most days I'm on top of my game and I keep it together well enough for the both of us. My heart is just breaking tonight.

Autism

So we got a diagnosis. They're saying that for the purposes of the school board they're classifying her as mildly autistic.

This is actually a good thing since it helps us have easier access to the services that will help her get caught up and on track again.

I'll tell more later, since at the moment I'm exhausted, but I wanted to fill everyone in. Gnight and stay safe!

Just thought I'd let everyone know

Tomorrow's the big day. We go for Round 2 of testing and maybe we'll see what's up with this wonderful kid of mine. Just keep your fingers crossed that it's something the state is willing to help out with!

Just needing to vent

Weeks like the last few have been, months like the last six or seven have been, are the times where I so completely miss having a local support structure of friends. I so desperately need time out and away without anyone's kids to just have fun and forget for a little while what's going on at home.

Sweet'ums hasn't been sleeping well. Last night she was up until almost 1:30, and that's pretty normal for how she's been being. Tonight she was asleep by 11:30, but I put her down an hour earlier, left her TV on for an hour, and then tried my hardest to not let her crying get to me and not bend to her will. She didn't cry very long, fortunately, because after last night (and all the nights before it) I don't know how well I could have handled a late night with her. I value my evening hours after everyone's in bed and I already don't get them to myself when her daddy's off, so losing them to her screaming has been hard.

Don't get me wrong. These nights are what being a mom is all about. Rocking, humming, mentally begging for a child to sleep. I just thought once we got past the first months (year?) of life that we'd largely be past this. I never expected such a high-maintenance child, and her first year or two of life didn't really prepare me for her to become this way. I love her exactly the way she is, but being tired makes me feel depressed and sad and when I'm that way it's a lot harder to be optimistic about the outcome of everything. I know tonight and the way I feel is just being tired... But it stinks when your mind won't turn off and you can't sleep. And it stinks when your kid can't sleep either.

I don't know what changed. She was in her new bed for days before this started so I don't think it's actually the change of her bed. I don't know what's scaring her though. I don't know what's upsetting her. She wants us to sleep with her, I know that, and I don't mind laying down with her, but she won't sleep if we're in there. Beyond that, I don't know what's bothering her.

My heart hurts for her. I want to scream sometimes. It's killing me to watch her grow up without her telling me what's on her mind. It breaks my heart when she's scared and won't tell me what she's afraid of. I've never met a child whose parents begged and pleaded with them at night to share what was frightening him or her, to no avail. I have never known someone who has gone through this. I am so horribly, awfully alone in that regard. I can handle it if she's got problems, but we have GOT to get her some kind of therapy and I've GOT to find me some friends I can spend time with apart from my family.

Her daddy called a little while ago and I broke down on the phone with him. I don't really know WHY I broke down like that. I know he's probably thinking that I'm losing my mind. But all I could do was cry. Every night I listen to my child scream like someone's trying to kill her and I'm basically powerless to fix it. When I DO lay down with her the screaming starts if I even shift my weight because she thinks I'm leaving her. And I never leave my job. I'm always with my job. She goes to my mom's, but by the time I'm finally starting to unwind she's home again. I love her, I hate being away from her, but sometimes I feel like maybe I really am starting to lose my mind. She screams less during the day, but there's so little positive feedback from her that there's nothing to make up for the bad stuff. I'm emotionally and mentally drained.

Some people would say I'm just throwing myself a doozy of a pity party, but whatever. My child told me tonight how she loved the Wonder Pets, her "magic flower lamp", her froggie... but no mention of Mommy, even when Mommy made sure to say it to Sweet'ums. My child is three and a half years old and I can count on one hand the times she's told me she loves me.

I'm going to try to sleep. I just needed to vent a little. I'm trying so hard to handle all of this and stay positive but it's practically impossible some days. Fortunately it's eight days until her testing date. I'm praying they can help us somehow.