Three and a half

One week ago, something I feel is kind of special happened. We hit our 3 and a half year anniversary on July 22nd, and it's pretty exciting.

For starters, most of my married friends (as in, the ones who are our age) are already divorcing. It's scary, and it definitely serves as a reminder about how fragile relationships can be when there's too many strikes against them, but it also encourages me too. We're beating the odds. Every day that we make it, and stick together, we're putting more and more distance between ourselves and the statistics. And every day that we make it we learn a little more about how to make tomorrow a little easier.

The biggest stress factor in our lives right now is money. It's no surprise--these days, that's everyone's biggest problem. Unfortunately, that stress factor isn't going anywhere anytime soon, so we're trying to learn to live with it. No amount of money can fix a bad relationship, and if a relationship is truly sound then money shouldn't be able to hurt it, either. And I could be wrong, and I could come on here a month from now and say we're filing for divorce, but I think we have a pretty good relationship.

We come from two different childhoods and I think that is part of what helps us work things out. I came from a family where my parents didn't fight. They hardly even raise their voices at each other, and we NEVER heard them arguing. They disagree, and we saw that often, but my parents just don't fight. So to me, married people shouldn't just bicker and argue and fuss at each other, and they most certainly shouldn't carry on at each other in front of their kids. So much of my childhood was unstable, but the one thing I knew I could count on was the relationship between my parents. I want my daughter to have the same stability. Nice Guy, on the other hand, came from a childhood where every day was an adventure in marital discord. His early years were peaceful, but with every child his parents added to the family, the worse they fought. Money got tighter and tighter, and tension got worse and worse. To him, fighting is no big deal, but the instability messed him up in a lot of ways. He can see just how badly it hurt him to watch his mom and dad act that way for so long, and he wants to do better by our family. So even though we argue, and even though we don't always get along, we both know how important it is to resolve problems in a more mature and reasonable way than fighting. Sometimes a good argument is necessary for getting feelings out in the open, but it should never just be left sitting there, unresolved, and we try our best to never go to bed angry.

We have about another three and a half years to go before we hit the next major milestone for divorce rate reduction. I think we'll make it. :)

The weird thing is that we've been married for three and a half years (three years, six months, and one week, to be exact) and we've spent nearly two of it with our daughter. When we celebrate our 25th anniversary, I'll be 44 years old, and my daughter will be 23. It makes me feel so young and old all at the same time, to think about time that way.

Anyway, those are my rambling thoughts for today. Hope everyone's doing alright!

Taking Shape

One room at a time, my house is finally taking shape. We've been focusing on Sweet'ums' room because she's old enough now that she really enjoys being in her room, and until recently we used a large section of her room for storage. Now, only her closet is used for storage (because I converted an old cabinet into a small armoire/wardrobe thing) and I'm working on turning her room into the comfy, pretty space I'd envisioned.

We held off for a long time on doing anything because we really weren't sure we'd be staying in this house for too long. We didn't want to put a lot of money, time, and energy into fixing it up if this wasn't a permanent arrangement. Now it seems like this is actually going to be a long-term thing, and we're trying really hard to make it a place where Sweet'ums is happy and where she'd be proud to bring friends home.

So now, all that's left is to paint the walls (I found a nice soft rose color that would be easy to match with most girly bedspreads) and rearrange her furniture (which has to wait until I get rid of the old TV that's taking up space in her room). I'm thinking about staining her dresser (a kind of blonde colored wood) to match her bed (something rather dark, a cherry or mahogany color) and maybe painting her armoire to match the color the walls will be. I've also got an old bedside table that might make a nice small bookcase that matches the armoire, so I might paint it too (they're particle board, so they can't really be stained to match the rest of the furniture). And I've got an old recliner in her room that I want to get a slip cover for and incorporate into the rest of the decorations. Throw in a nice bedspread and matching curtains, and we're all set.

The batteries in my camera are dead right now so pictures will have to wait. As soon as I find replacements, I'll post pictures and see if anyone has any input for what I should do with it.

This is getting ridiculous

Last night, someone hacked my Paypal account. Luckily I got it straightened up, but not before I BURNED myself while trying to make soup for my husband, who wasn't feeling so well.

I'm beginning to think someone's got my number, you know? I'm a hazard to be around.

On the other hand, I've got some really good recipes now and assuming that I don't hurt myself even worse in the process of baking, I found recipes for the muffins made at one of my favorite restaurants. I can't wait to make them. Again, assuming I don't manage to kill myself somehow.

Tomorrow, (assuming I don't kill myself while baking muffins!) I hope to go out with a girlfriend of mine. It'll be nice to get out for a bit without the hubby, or baby, or Mom.

Not sure

I had my ultrasound today. The tech couldn't go over the results with us but NG watched as she typed up the report, and said that items like the cervix and uterine lining and such are good, according to the boxes she checked and everything. But she took an awful lot of pictures, and a ton of measurements. Her whole demeanor indicated that she saw something that she just wasn't allowed to point out.

I hate this feeling that they know something they aren't telling me. I hate that I have to wait two weeks to find out what's in those pictures.

Nerves

Tomorrow I go in for an ultrasound to try to find the source of some problems I have been having. I'm kind of scared. I'm not sure what to expect. I mean, I've had ultrasounds before, but always for the wonderful reason of being pregnant--never something serious.
So that's my day tomorrow. I probably won't know anything for two weeks, but once I know something I'll post it.

Sadness

One of my best friends and her husband found out a few weeks ago that after seven months of trying, they were finally pregnant. They were ecstatic--this would be their first child.

Yesterday, they found out that they'd miscarried. She was 8 weeks along.

It's really sad. I didn't have any words of wisdom. All I could do was give her a hug and tell her we love them and we're here if they need us.

Shit happens. Sometimes there's just nothing you can do to make it better.

To Be Honest (or, "Baring My Heart")

In light of recent events on the blog of a friend, I've been thinking. I open my mouth too quickly, don't always think through what I say, and even though I most always mean what I say, I don't always mean it the way it comes across. Actually, usually I don't. And for that, I'm deeply sorry.

I also wish, sometimes, that people had more empathy. Sometimes folks don't know what it's like to live on the other side of things, so it's impossible for them to understand why someone should take offense to having it poked at. (I don't mean you, Dear-Friend-Who-Knows-Who-She-Is, but rather some of the girls who commented, and people I've known through the years who are like them)

My whole life we've been lower-middle class. My brother and I didn't have a lot of stuff and what nice things we did have came at huge expense to my family. The handful of nice things that I have, even now, are mine because someone who loves me sacrificed a great deal for me to have them. Nothing came easy for us, and we've always had to work for everything we've had. I realize, in hindsight, that I've griped about it a lot at times, but I'd like to change that. However, I don't see any reason to not simply state it as long as I'm only saying it as a fact.

I have a Vera Bradley purse. It cost us $56 and was a Valentine's Day gift from my husband. He spent money on me that he shouldn't have and even now, I feel guilty for having it. I got a Journey necklace for Christmas a couple years ago from my husband and I feel guilty for that too, because he had to ask my dad to help him get it. It was a blow to his pride that he couldn't afford anything nice for me for Christmas but he was willing to ask my dad for help... I think that was an even greater sacrifice than the financial side, and at the time my parents really couldn't afford it either, but my dad did what he could. I cried when they gave it to me and I cry even now thinking about it, because it cost them both so much.

We have so much, compared to a lot of people, and I'm so very thankful. Even without our "stuff" we still have each other and I'm so happy to have a little girl who tries to comfort her mommy during thunderstorms and a husband who makes tea for me when he knows I've had a long day. And yet, I feel sorry for myself so often, and I wallow more often than I'd like to admit. I feel guilty for not working, because it would make life so much easier on my Nice Guy. I feel guilty that we can't afford to dress nicer and that even if we could, where would we go? I feel guilty that I can't send Sweet'ums to a private school and I might not even be able to send her to a decent public school, for that matter. I feel guilty because I feel like I've shortchanged my family, and I have no idea where to even begin to fix it.

But you know, I think most of all I feel guilty because sometimes I resent those people who don't have those problems. Some of them are thankful for what they have; some of them aren't. Some of them don't even realize how good they have it, and even so I'm kind of glad for them because it really sucks to live paycheck to paycheck. No matter how spoiled some kids are, you can't help but be kind of glad they didn't have to worry about their parents' finances growing up. Because I know that for as much as I resent people sometimes for not having those problems, I really don't want those problems either. Why would I want someone else to have them or wish them on someone else's child?

As much as I hate it, it looks like Sweet'ums will probably face a lot of the stuff I did growing up. That's one reason of many why we decided to stop at one--so we can afford to do better for her than our parents did for us. But I doubt she'll have name-brand jeans, or a nice house to bring her friends to (just our cozy little MH), or a brand-new car at 16. She'll probably have to answer the phone sometimes when bill collectors call, at least until we get things under control again. She'll probably have to deal with the mean girls in high school who look down on her for not wearing the latest fashions (I dealt with that one enough, but really, who hasn't at one time or another?) and her biggest crush overlooking her in favor of the popular girls. But hopefully she'll be a better person for it. And hopefully, she won't grow up with my same brand of resentment, because all it does it make you bitter and miserable. Hopefully I'll be able to overcome my issues before she gets old enough for me to pass them on to her.

It's definitely a sore spot for me. I shouldn't jump like I do when people start on fashion and the like, but you know me--opening my mouth before I've really thought it through. But I'm going to try to be better, I promise, and I really am sorry for being so sensitive about it.

The Sweetest Thing

Today we're having thunderstorms. The power has flickered out about three times now, and needless to say Sweet'ums and I aren't enjoying it.

She and I are both the kinds of people who don't react well to sudden noises and/or events. So when the power flickers out followed by loud claps of thunder, we both almost jump out of our skins.

The first time the power went out it stayed out for about a minute and a half. Sweet'ums climbed into my lap, attached herself like Velcro around my neck, and clung to me. I told her, "Shh, it's ok," and patted her back. Next thing I know, her little face is against my neck, and she's patting my shoulder, telling me, "Shh, it's ok."

I think I might have the sweetest child who ever lived.

Us, Lately

I realized that I hadn't given an update recently on the things that have been happening with us, outside of the whole extended family drama thing. So here's what's up:

--I've lost about thirteen pounds and a bra cup size (or possibly one and a half). My wrist is acting up again but I haven't been back to the doctor yet for it. I've also felt very overwhelmed lately, but unfortunately, that's life. I'm spending time at the doctor again to figure out a little problem I'm having, and the simpler stuff seems to have been ruled out so I go next week for an ultrasound and Round 2. The doc doesn't seem to be too worried, but says it might take a little while to resolve it, but we're trying.

--Nice Guy finally got some of the health insurance stuff straightened out so that he can go back to his normal doctor. We'll see whether it resolves completely or if we have to keep fighting it. He has also matched me pound-for-pound in regards to weight loss.

--Sweet'ums is talking up a storm and loves to give yes and no answers, chatting on her phone, and mimicking everything we say. She's an excellent "mommy" to her babies and has continued to amass an army of stuffed animals. Potty training is hit-or-miss, but we're getting there. She's quite adept with video games (only clean ones, I won't let my baby play anything that might damage her little mind) and loves to sit with her daddy while he plays. Lately, all she has wanted to eat is the beef and vegetable soup my mom and I make, but that's ok--it's fairly well-rounded. She's quite a girly-girl, and knows what she wants to wear and when. She's actually got a pretty good sense of style. She loves cell phones and wanders around the house with her old, dead one and chats away on it with Mimi. The other day she copied me pacing back and forth in the living room and kitchen talking on her phone. She's got this cute little preppy-punk thing going on with her hair--it's a little shaggy, curls up at the ends, and parts naturally on the side. She looks more like an elementary schooler (and sometimes even a teenager!) than she does a toddler, and that scares me. She loves to shake her little booty when she dances, and she'll do "the twist" with us sometimes if we ask her to dance. Her favorite thing in the world is to make people laugh, and that's probably one of my favorite things about her.

So that's where we are right now. I'm gonna go enjoy some quiet time while Sweet'ums is down for a nap.

Perking up

After what has been a very long, hard, and exhausting couple of days (not bad... just somewhat stressful) I've finally found something that lifts my spirits.

There's a website called SoulCysters that was designed as a resource for women with PCOS. I don't often visit it, because I'm generally alright with the diagnosis and don't really need a shoulder to cry on, but earlier today I was hunting for information on something in hopes that it was just a consequence of PCOS (no luck, so I'm dreading the visit to the doctor later this week). After hunting for information with no success, I decided to browse the forums.

I found a topic titled "Stupid Things People Say" and on Page 3, I found this:

"One time i had this very very gay manager of mine annouce that all the men must love me because of my big titties, and grabed them and told me I was sexy. that actualy made me feel good for some weird reason (we had a grabby kind of relationship). He had this whole thing about celebrating what is female, and female is round, and you know...other ignorant people aside, i'm gonna go with that. It makes more sense then society lifting up girls who look like little boys with a bra on."

I'm not sure I can really explain why, but this quote filled me with an enormous amount of joy. Why don't we, as a society, celebrate that which is genuinely female?

I've noticed that only a handful of societies buy into this concept that a woman should be wraith-like, starved and deprived, and practically all of them are "Western" societies--patriarchal, Christian, and the like. Don't get me wrong, this isn't an attack on Christian values, only an observation that countries that place this type of pressure on women are also, predominantly, Christian.

I can't help but wonder whether this is a result of the type of society that we've had for so long. Feminism came through and turned the male-dominated world upside down, but as a result, women had to become so much more masculine--they had to go to work, in many jobs they had to start dressing more masculine to properly perform the job, they had to give up their roles in the homes in order to make time for money-making. And I know those weren't really the goals of feminism, but they certainly are consequences of the freedoms won for women. (I won't go into all that... that's a topic for another day LOL)

I keep wondering whether this drive to do all the things men do has encouraged women to look like men--after all, consider the weight and body fat percentage that is considered "healthy" versus the weight and BFP of the women on the covers of the magazines that tell women what they should look like. The women on those magazines fit the body types of men much more closely than they do women. Why is this? I've had guy after guy tell me that it has very little to do with their preferences... So why do women want to look like little boys?

I think women have just lost sight of the value they have simply as women, rather than as women who are fighting to do the things men do. There's reasons why religions such as Wicca have such an appeal with people today, particularly among young women, and one of those many reasons is that they feel like it values women alongside men simply for being women, not because they're women who learned to fit into a masculine role. It values women of all shapes and sizes, of all walks of life, and encourages true feminine beauty. And for as much as I love my Christian beliefs and heritage, there's not much of a role in Christianity for women (the OT has quite a bit for women but it's the Jewish tradition, not so much Christian itself). Modern Christianity has created space for women, but in its traditional form it's male-dominated and has a nasty tendency to cast women in a less-than-holy light. Just look at what history has done to Mary Magdalene! Of course I'm also trying to take into account that the Bible we have now was passed down through generation after generation of scribes, with their own thoughts and agendas and varying foreign-language proficiencies, and that many of the traditions I've seen in church might not be the teachings of Jesus as much as they are the skewed ideas of some priest or another, or the misinterpretation of some scribe, or whatever.

Anyway, religion aside and back to my point: There's a lot of beauty in being a woman, and you don't have to be 6'3" and 110lbs to be beautiful. You don't have to be the woman who looks like a little boy in a bra in order to be beautiful, and you certainly don't need a bust size to rival Pamela Anderson or a bank account like Oprah Winfrey's.

It was beautiful and acceptable to be a curvier woman until fifty or sixty years ago. Enter birth control, equal pay for women, and low self-esteem. Suddenly the standard of beauty was something much, much smaller, and women have had to try harder and harder to see their own beauty ever since.

I'm one of those rather unfortunate women who went through a period of rapid and (we thought) fairly unexplainable weight gain at a young age. When I finished my freshman year of college I was at about 125lbs, only up five pounds or so from my much-more-active high school weight. A so-called friend of mine back then had me convinced that I was fat. I was miserable and I probably had lower self-esteem then than I have at any other point in my life. Then in a four year period I've gained about 70lbs and my actual weight has fluctuated up and down. The thing is, though, that I've learned to appreciate my body more, and I'm far more capable of seeing the beauty in it than I was. I'm not happy with the condition my body is in, but I've got recent history to compare it to and it's a hard trasition to make, from itsy-bitsy to more-to-love. But you know, I've come to love my curves. Sure, I need to get rid of some of the bulge around my middle, but what's wrong with having boobs and hips and butt? Not all curvy women are unhealthy, the way so many magazines want us to think; an enormous number of larger men and women are far healthier than their thin counterparts.

I'm not in any way saying that people should do things that are bad for their bodies, like put on weight when it would be medically unwise for them to do so, but I don't think women should be made to feel like they are less beautiful for being 38B rather than 32D, or size 14 rather than size 4. I think people, as a whole society, should remember their mothers, most of whom weren't stick figures. They should remember the early movie stars, most of whom were very curvy and who were loved for it. Remember the pin-up girls who kept the soldiers sane through several wars, and the standard of beauty that has prevailed for centuries (with the exception of the few-decade lapse in the last century and this one).

Why not celebrate womanhood in its many shapes and sizes, rather than convincing millions of women that there's something wrong with them because they don't look like one individual girl in a magazine?

Christina

I found this and it made me think of you. I'm not sure if you still read my blog but anyway, it's here if you do.

Not a bad day

Today the migraine hasn't been so bad. And I got good news:

My friend and her hubby are finally pregnant!

By the time their baby is born Sweet'ums will be two and a half years old--enough older to be a wonderful partner-in-crime to their little one. I think they're hoping for a girl, and both of them come from families where most of the children are female, so it looks like the odds are good that they'll get what they want. And I'm so excited for them. I've got tons of stuff they can use regardless of gender, and if they have a girl I've got enough baby clothes stored up that they won't ever have to buy any.

So that's the good news of the day. I'm totally psyched for them!

Happy Fourth

Ok, so it's a little late, but Happy Fourth to everyone.

For me, the 4th is usually a somewhat less than happy. I have major issues with fireworks, and with all of the stress I usually end up with a migraine. I hate the feeling of being bombed and fired at, and when you live in the city it's impossible to completely avoid the stupid things. So I've been recovering the last few days and fighting off a massive headache. And, of course, there's nothing like finding out your daughter has inherited her father's love of pyrotechnics. While I was in the front seat of the car freaking out (we had to pick my SIL up and take her home after she spent the day with her boyfriend) Sweet'ums was in the backseat laughing her butt off. Little traitor. lol

Anyway, yesterday we had dinner with a good friend of mine. She and her husband want to have a baby so bad but so far haven't had any luck. I hope that changes soon for them. They are so understanding about Sweet'ums and her moods and they're the only childless couple we know who don't mind her tagging along when we meet. My friend made homemade pasta and it was SOOO good. We sat and talked until 9 or so last night. It was so nice to just talk and enjoy the company of other people our age.

So that's what we did this weekend. I don't have any new pictures right now but as soon as I do I'll post them.

EXCITED!

So I've kind of been fretting lately about what to do for Sweet'ums' birthday. I really wanted to do what we did last year, but the money just isn't there for it. So I've been plotting and planning and trying to figure out what to do.

She has boy cousins and girl cousins, and obviously young boys and girls are into very different things and can both be hard to please all at one time. I also worried about the weather, as Sweet'ums has a September birthday and the weather here is rather unpredictable that time of year. There's many indoor options, but most are either too expensive or too old for her age group (she'll only be 2 this year) or they're places that I wouldn't subject to the behavior of this wild group of kids.

Finally, after much pondering, it hit me.

A teddy bear picnic.

It's a pretty gender-neutral theme and should be pretty inexpensive to throw together. Finger sandwiches, cake or cupcakes and some ice cream, all under a pavillion at the park. The weather could still be an issue, but we might just have to take that chance. I can make my own invitations, and fortunately the group of kids we're dealing with don't expect party favors.

So what do you think? I'm kind of excited--I think Sweet'ums will really enjoy it.