Mommy's Grand Adventure

I mentioned over at Froggy Blog that I'll be going on a trip. I was wondering how other moms would approach the whole "being gone" thing. This generated a few questions.

So, here's the scoop: My best friend has been away since 2004. At first it was college. Then, it was boot camp and officer training. Then, she was stationed halfway across the country from us, and then she was deployed. You can see that the majority of our friendship has been long distance. I treasure those phone calls. They don't always come often (it's been months before) and sometimes I miss them since I can't plan for them, but talking to her is always the highlight of my day when she calls.

In some of our conversations early in the year she'd told me that she was thinking of going to London next time she was on leave. Imagine my surprise, then, when she calls me in August and says, "Hey, wanna go to Seattle?" I draw a blank because my first thought is, "Who has a month to drive to Seattle?" and my second thought is, "Wait, I don't have that kind of money!" Then, she tells me that noooooo, Vics, you don't drive to Seattle, and if I invited you don't you think I'm paying for you?

This resulted in a small argument I'm obligated to have with anyone who doesn't have children who tries spending money on me. Moms, you know what I'm talking about. "Noooo! You can't spend your money that way! You might actually need it one day! Do you have any idea what that's like?" We've actually revisited this little chat several times. Finally she just told me her mom has already given her the lecture and she's doing it anyway because she loves us and wants to spend the time with us. Oh well. I tried.

Anywho, she told me not to say much about it or get too excited yet because she still had to put in for her leave and actually get things moving. Then, I got the news about two weeks ago. Her plans are a go!

I'll be gone for five whole days, but almost two of those will be spent traveling. Do you have any idea how long it takes to fly from here to Seattle? Forever! She's got us all staying in a nice hotel and I'm as excited about that as I am any of the rest of it. I've never stayed anywhere fancy before!

This is all huge for me in so many ways. I've been north (as far as Canada, actually) but never any further west than the tippy-tip of the Florida panhandle. I've never flown. I've never been apart from my baby for more than a few days and she was always a few miles away with my mom. I've never been apart from Nice Guy for more than a night. I've never left NG and Sweet'ums alone together for longer than a couple hours because I've never had to. They've never spent a night alone together. My mom and I have never been that far apart, or for that long.

It's going to be great and I'll make sure I get some amazing pictures for you folks. We're supposed to go to the Pacific Ocean one day while we're there, just because I've seen the Gulf and the Atlantic and this might be the only chance I get in my life to dip my toes in the Pacific. She wants to see Pike Place Market so that'll be fun. She also wants to do a pub crawl and seems like she's planning to stay drunk for the entirety of our visit. This is her trip, though, and I'm along for the ride, so I'm going to do my best to lighten up and have as much fun as possible!

For me this is the trip of a lifetime. I'm blessed to have a friend who even wants me along on this sort of thing and who is willing to pay my way. I feel awful for letting her, but my mom keeps telling me that it's S's way of showing her love and reconnecting after being gone for so long. I'm under strict orders by my husband to do some shopping and to do something stupid while I'm gone.

So that's the scoop. What do you think? I'm so excited that it makes me nauseous. Any travel pointers you'd like to share?

We've come a long way

It was a year ago today that we got two pieces of hard news. One, my uncle lost his battle with cancer on this day a year ago. It was also this day that we were first approached by our daughter's pediatrician about the possibility of autism.

It's been a long, scary journey. She's making a lot of progress but a lot of it is in small things, things that only her teacher and her daddy and I can see. There's still those things that eat at me every day, but in the grand scheme of things those probably won't hurt her as much as they will me. For now I have to remind myself that we've got to help her master the things that will help her before we worry about the things that bother me.

I just wanted to write a quick update. I'll share more later.

Christmas time's a-coming!

Sweet'ums has fallen in love with the holidays. She embraced Halloween and now, Christmas. She's been after us for weeks to put up the tree, even though we already put up the little one in her room. Her room is encircled with lights. But she keeps wanting more.

So we finally broke down, cleaned up the corner, and pulled out the tree. It's a much bigger tree than I had wanted (her daddy pulled rank on me) and it takes up a lot of space. But, she loves it and her daddy loves it. What can I say?

Her daddy also got his way when it came to the lights. He wanted colors; I wanted white lights. He got his colors since Sweet'ums was our tie-breaker. At least in the end I got my way with our ornament theme. Gold ornaments, red bows, and our ornament collection we add to each year. When the lights are on it suits him; when the lights are off it suits me.

Tonight Nice Guy put up the tree and Sweet'ums put up ornaments. I took pictures. It was a nice little evening, all in all.

The other night we decorated gingerbread men. She did hers all by herself, except for the icing. For that she showed me where to put it.

We've had some fun and she's finally starting to settle down a bit. Of course that might change when she gets up tomorrow but at least, for the weekend, she was in a pleasant mood. She was huggy and sweet. She even had a sense of humor, except for when her daddy put the juice she didn't want into the fridge. Oh, how she screamed and cried about that--you'd have thought we were trying to cram her in the fridge instead of the juice cup. But really, she was just tired and as soon as one of us sat down to hold her she fell right asleep.

In case you need a laugh, though, here's a quick story. This afternoon I heard noise in the bathroom and asked NG to go check on Sweet'ums. When he went in there she was on the potty but she hadn't put her little seat down. Instead, she was sitting on the big seat, holding on for dear life. She slipped a little and managed to catch herself before her bottom hit the water, but she was in a precarious situation. She looked at NG, kicked her little feet and said in a panicky little voice, "I don't like to swim!"

I hope everyone's doing okay. I know I've been lazy about blogging lately; hopefully I can get motivated again soon!

Better, but not

 First of all, I want to apologize for the novel I'm about to write. If you have children, a spouse, or a life you'd like to get back to sometime before the end of the year, I'd advise skipping this post entirely.

And now, onwards...

In some ways I'm feeling better than I was the other night. I think a lot of it is just that I bottle up my emotions when Sweet'ums is home and when she's gone everything I feel comes bubbling out. So right now things are okay... Come Saturday night, when she's with my mom, things might be different.

I talked to Nice Guy about everything. Fortunately he cares and he seemed genuinely surprised that I was that bad off. I mean, he knew I was really struggling, but didn't seem to notice the whole quiet-desperation-thing going on. He wants to help me feel better, fix things, whatever. I appreciate that. He even says that he understands my feelings and the problem isn't all in my head.

What's frustrating me right now is that we are exactly back to where we were the last time I bared my heart to him about how things weren't where they should be. Basically, I do the foot work of trying to figure out how to fix things, he shoots down the ideas of whomever I've just read as being silly or nit-picky or something, then he makes some kind of pittance offer about something to do that he deems to be romantic (or something, who knows what's going through his head).

Example: I found this article while browsing AOL news today. I told him about it and said I thought she made some good points and maybe it was worth a shot. So, after doing our running around this evening we got back home and I read the points to him. He was all for numbers 1, 4, and 6. Now #4 is no biggie for us. I've mentioned before that one of our projects last year to help us with our relationship was to start a book of things we love about each other. We hit the one year mark back in August and we're averaging an entry a day (which translates to us alternating days), but I don't remember exactly how many we managed. To me, #4 was just a version of what we were already doing. #6 was pretty standard advice that you'd get from any number of relationship counselors, sex therapists, or elderly, still-head-over-heals couples. Again, no biggie, as long as you have a lock on your bedroom door to prevent mishaps involving an autistic four year old and one of you doesn't work ridiculous hours thanks to shift work. Oh, and if you're not both like 60lbs overweight. That too. #1 makes some good points and it's all about taking responsibility for yourself and how you react and how you feel and helping your partner know what to do.

Numbers 2, 3, and 5 he had a problem with. #2 is all about intimacy, communication, and ongoing relationship improvement. #3 is about admitting what gets you going and acknowledging that you and your partner aren't carbon copies of each other. #5 is about accountability, in my mind--no lying about who you're with or what you're doing, and if you're honest about what you're up to there's no need for the other party to get defensive or suspicious. These three he has a problem with. #3 I can kind of see his point--I'm not quite sure why she put that in there if she wasn't going to elaborate on what to do with the information. Are we supposed to indulge each other's desires even if we're not into it? Is it just about knowing each other's interests and not judging? Huh? His problem with #5 didn't make much sense to me--it's something we do anyway, something we've always done, but he interpreted her putting it in writing as being "up her husband's butt" and unnecessary. So if it's something we're already doing, and he's fine with it in that context, why have an issue with someone else saying it's important to be able to do in a relationship? The one that really annoyed me that he tried shooting down, though, was #2. He said that it was nonsense, basically, that it was too many questions and the vow revisiting thing was too much and nit-picky and pointless.

You know what I noticed, though? Numbers 1, 4, and 6 were driven by personal responsibility, knowing yourself, and pushing yourself. Numbers 2, 3, and 5 were about being honest and intimate with each other. Group A, the group he liked, was the group of things I can do for myself. Group B was the group of things that would require him to actually put some effort into things too, particularly #2, the one he disliked the most.

His consolation prize for not being all into this? "Hey, is there a movie or something you want to watch?" After I said no, not really, and we sat here for a while not really talking about much, he decided he was going to bed. He came back out a few minutes later and asked if I wanted to talk, but by that point I was pretty perturbed and, to be honest, a little hurt, and told him no, just to go on to bed.

Which leaves me exactly where I was last time we had that kind of talk. I pour my heart out, he pours out his, he seems honestly shocked that I'm THAT upset about something, he promises to try harder and pay more attention, and then when I start making suggestions they get shot down. Eventually he forgets all about trying harder and things slip a little further downhill so that next time I have a meltdown, we're even further from the solution. And me, I just get more and more despondent and give up, instead of trying to work on things on my end like I should.

So at the end of the night, I'm aggravated. I feel like things are never going to improve and maybe I should just tell him not to bother, that we should just give up and find a lawyer and go be miserable each in our own places. He's bored--he admits it freely--so maybe I should just turn him loose to go get his own apartment where he can play his video games all day and goof off with his cousin on their off days. And I can be lonely and unappreciated with or without him--I'm already getting good at it.

No, we're not splitting up... At least, I don't think so. This is probably just a rough patch that I'll have forgotten all about the moment Sweet'ums stops stressing me out and I have a way to get out of the house once in a while.

I'm going to go update the Froggy Blog really quick on something that I realized about Sweet'ums. I understand if you're not interested after such a long post... At any rate, if you're still here, I hope you have a good night and I appreciate you actually sticking with it. I'm going to try to find something positive to say soon.

More Sweet'ums

Sweet'ums is doing well at school. She has already met two of the five goals for the year listed in her IEP. Her teacher is confident that she'll meet the rest before the end of the school year. Most days she's good to the other kids in her class and tries to defend them. She's had a couple bad days at school but her teacher takes them in stride and says not to worry, they all have bad days now and then. I struggle, though. On one hand I don't believe in allowing children to get away with disrespecting their teachers and classmates. On the other, I think her teacher is right--I don't know if she even remembers what she did wrong by the time she gets home. Honestly, I'm not even sure she relates her bad behavior to being a problem for anyone else. I know she's young yet, but I remember understanding at her age that my actions could hurt or disappoint others. She doesn't seem to "get" that yet. So I have no idea whether to discipline her or not, and even if I were to try, I have no clue how to go about it. Punishment seems to completely roll off her back, beyond simply making her angry. She doesn't seem to internalize any of it or connect it to her behavior.

Other than that, things are more of the same. She has her meltdowns, refuses to eat, doesn't want to go to bed at night and is a pain to get up in the mornings. Sounds like a teenager, right? Heck, she even begs for my keys when we get back to the house in the afternoons. The only difference between her and a 16-year-old is that she wants to unlock the front door, not take the car. She's getting a little better with her sound sensitivity but she seems more afraid of random things than ever before. She's talkative most days now, which is a step in the right direction.

She's obsessed with holidays. She loved Halloween and now she's psyched about Christmas. We got her one of those Elf on the Shelf things. We named it Holly and it goes everywhere with her. We told her that every night Holly calls Santa to tell him whether Sweet'ums was good or not during the day. Sweet'ums seems to remember this, but it isn't a deterrent to the bad behavior. It's like maybe it's an afterthought, or maybe she knows Santa is paying attention but she can't help herself anyway. I don't know. There's so much I don't know because she doesn't tell me anything about how she thinks. Anyway, she's also obsessed with Christmas lights and Christmas trees and the whole thing. I think gifts are just a consequence of the holiday to her, not the driving force like it is for a lot of kids. She just likes the decorations and festivities. She's even got a string of lights up in her room and she insists on having them on at bedtime.


So, here's a few pictures before I go. Enjoy!

It's hard work being so darn cute, and there's no better place to take a nap than on Daddy's feet on the end of the recliner.

Not quite what the author had in mind, I'm sure, but at least she's enjoying her book!

What the heck do I call this?

I'm sorry I haven't been around much lately. My heart just hasn't been in it, and there hasn't been much newsworthy stuff going on. Each day is more of the same and while some days have definite pick-me-up qualities, I generally just feel more bogged down.

Nice Guy and I talk a lot and we both feel this way. We think it's just that we're itching for change but change is hard to come by. Shaking up our living situation would help a lot but that takes money. We've talked about the possibility of having another baby but that would bring up a million issues, not the least of which being that of actually getting pregnant. I've got PCOS which means, in short, that fertility could be a teensy little problem. There's always home improvements and redecorating, but that can also get pricey and it's a little pointless if we're just going to move anyway.

Some days it feels like everything is passing us by. We're trying to do more for Sweet'ums than our parents were able to do for us but at the end of the day, we have even less--at least we had yards to play in and siblings to harass growing up. I see people younger than us working half as hard and accomplishing twice as much, and it's frustrating--my husband works long hours doing physically exhausting work, yet I see my peers getting financing for houses they can't afford because their boyfriends have military experience. Never mind that the military rejected my husband because of his feet after promising to take him if he lost fifty pounds (which he did). Never mind that we're not even looking in the beyond-our-means price range.

We're already walking the path of our parents--work hard for an entire lifetime and at the end of it all, have nothing to show for it.

I whine and cry a lot on here, but I think the one thing nobody in my Real Life understands is just how emotionally exhausted I am. I wake up every day to get a kid dressed for school who refuses to cooperate four out of five mornings. I get to sleep half my useable day away because I couldn't sleep the night before, because said kid wouldn't go to sleep or maybe wouldn't stay asleep or, on some nights, because my body refused to sleep since it just knew she was going to wake up the moment I dozed off. Just like tonight. She's not even home, but I can't sleep because my body is used to not sleeping. So after I sleep my morning away I get to go get her off the bus and fight with her just to get her through the front door. She hates being here. Then I get to try to get her fed, bathed, and at least tucked into bed at a decent hour, all while being fussed at and fought with and sometimes screamed at. I never get to hear an "I love you, Mommy!" even though once in a while she'll say it for her daddy. Half of the time (literally) I do all of this on my own and then get to crawl into bed either alone or next to an already-sleeping husband. He's got his own stress to deal with so in the midst of it all I'm lucky some days if we remember to give each other a kiss in passing. He says that he loves me all the time, and that helps, but I think my biggest wish in this household is to get more emotional feedback from them both. Sweet'ums will show affection but usually it's buried deep in all of the screaming and fussing. It feels more like a slap in the face, most of the time, sort of like how it felt as a kid to get a spanking and then have Mommy or Daddy want to hug on you. It's the most screwed up feeling to have her scream half the afternoon, give me a hug, and then go straight back to screaming. It's like the eye of a hurricane, having that moment of calm and knowing that what's on the other side is even worse. And when it comes to her daddy... Well, in a nutshell, he's convinced that he's no good at romance and sweetness and he shuts himself down before he even gets started.

I'm thankful for my family. That's what stings the most. I love them so much. They're my whole world. I wouldn't trade them for anything. Whenever I'm happy, they're the reason I feel that way. But there's so many other emotions swirling around all the time that are anything but happy, anything but thankful. I feel like the world's worst mother for it. There are women in worse situations than mine, women parenting alone or women with kids with serious disabilities or women with no resources whatsoever, who still manage to do it all with a smile. How do they do it? How do you get up in the morning knowing what's ahead and not just die a little inside? I should be so thankful that my life isn't like theirs, that somewhere down the line things will get better, but I can't get past everything that feels like my life is lacking.

I guess I'm overly dramatic. I guess I let things get to me too much, or maybe I exaggerate them in my own mind. I tell myself that a lot, that this is all in my head. I've started a half-dozen posts just like this one and just deleted them, telling myself that nobody wants to read it and that this isn't really what my blog is for. But you know, this stuff is the truth about how I feel. Why hide it? I feel like a wreck about 80% of the time. To hear my husband tell it I look like a wreck most of the time. So I guess in at least some measure, this is real. My reality.

Everyone goes through this, I'm sure. How do you get past it? What am I doing wrong?

Tomorrow I'm going to paint on a smile and try to post something happy, maybe with a few pictures of how big Sweet'ums is getting. I'll go over and update the Froggy Blog since it has been a while and her progress is really what everyone would rather see. But for now, for this moment, please think of me. Say a little prayer for me. Pray that Nice Guy and I find some little spare moment full of something to sustain and renew us. Pray that I can dig deep and find whatever it is that gets parents through the dry spells.

This week

Nice Guy's granny died Monday evening. We just happened to be at his mom and dad's when the call came in. Viewing will be Thursday, and funeral Friday.

He's holding up. He thinks he has to keep it all together for everyone but I've tried telling him that what they don't know about won't hurt them and he can cry when it's just us. So far he's mostly just having those little moments--you know, when you're at the grocery store and you see ginger snaps and your eyes well up because that's what They used to buy? Maybe, in a way, that's the better way to handle it. I'd rather have memories that sting than the crushing sadness of goodbyes not said.

That being said, I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I love my baby but she has driven me far beyond insanity. I'm not sleeping and I'm trying to keep things together for NG and take care of her too. I'm trying to make food plans for after the funeral since I'm one of the few family members who isn't preoccupied with grieving. I don't even know what I'm going to wear to this thing. And what is Sweet'ums doing? Acting up. Acting out. Her teacher is out right now and there's a sub who doesn't have a clue. I think that's the source of a lot of this. Combine that with the stress at home right now and I'm sure she's really unsettled. And of course, and unsettled baby means an unsettled mama.

On the other hand, I do have a couple pictures to share.

These are from Halloween so I'm a little late sharing. Just thought you'd enjoy. Even though at home we've lost a little of the progress we'd made, she's still doing really great at school. She's even made a friend who, according to her teacher, she chats with constantly. She also stood up to a mean boy the other day, but you can read all about that on the Froggy Blog.

I'm trying to catch up with blogging but this next little while might be a little rough, so if you don't hear from me don't panic. Holidays are coming and NG is going to have a rough time with them, I already know. Christmas, especially, since his granny always did a Christmas party. I'm going to do what I can to help them but it's going to be rough on everyone, so keep them in your prayers. They're going to need all the prayers they can get if I'm the only level-headed adult around. Poor people. :(

How are y'all doing? Please, fill me in. Leave me comments telling me what you're up to this week and weekend. Tell me about your weather, even. I'm just desperate for a little piece of normal right now.

Halloween, and other scary things this week

First off, go check out the new post at the Froggy Blog to read about Sweet'ums' latest... umm... adventure. :) Trust me, it's worth it.

We're having a rough time. We just got over having car problems and now it's looking like Nice Guy's granny won't make it through the weekend. We've known for a long time now (2 years or so) that this was coming but this will be the first grandparent he's lost. It's hard on him and he's trying to keep it together for his sisters and his cousins. Then Wednesday night he fell ill and hasn't shown much improvement. We don't know if it's food poisoning, stress, a bug, or something else. We're hoping tomorrow is better.

I'm also dealing with another round of anxiety. I'm not sure what exactly has triggered it, unless maybe it's a time-of-year thing for me. It seemed to start when a friend of mine posted something on Facebook that got to me but I don't know if I was already having issues and I just noticed it then, or if that actually started it. I'm tired, worried about everything, and everything feels like a fight. I'm about ready to talk to someone, if I can find a good doctor around here.

I've also been thinking a lot about my uncle. It's been almost a year that he's been gone, and I've managed to not think too much about it until now but it's starting to creep up on me. It has been an entire year since I saw him for the last time. I can't help but think of all the time wasted by hard feelings over his sexuality, of all things. Something that should have mattered only to him and his boyfriend but because the Bible tells us so it was taken as a personal affront. He was plagued by addiction and seemed troubled and conflicted about those lost years too. Now he's gone and not plagued by those things anymore, but I always will be. He will always be the first brick pulled from the wall of religion I put up as a kid. That wall blocked out anything the church or family considered to be "other". That wall blocked anything they deemed sinful. He made me pull out the first brick. Because of him I had to stop and evaluate how in the world we could separate loving the person from condoning a lifestyle. Thanks to him I learned that the world really is far more complex than the simple black-and-white that the folks at church want us to believe. And thanks to him, I was opened to the idea that maybe salvation and spirituality and a person's relationship with God might be much, much more personal and complex than the church wants us to believe. I've thought about it a lot the last day or two and I can't shake it out of my mind.

So yeah, it's been a long week. I'm really ready for a break. Sweet'ums will be staying with my mom this weekend so depending on how things go and what all happens with NG's granny you could be hearing from me again very, very soon.

Cookie Nights

 It's that time again! You're probably going to be seeing a lot more recipes from me in the next while, with Thanksgiving around the corner and Christmas on its way. I've given cookies as gifts the last couple years and I'm searching for a few new recipes for the collection. You'll probably be seeing lots more cookies on here in the next little while.

Some time ago I posted a link to this blog and told you about the peanut butter pie. It was spectacular. I've been reading her blog since then and decided this week to make her Chocolate Snap cookies.

First I want to say I love her blog. It reminds me all the time to treasure my family and the time we spend together. It also makes me feel a little less guilty about expressing my affection through food--it's just how I do it. Maybe I should do it less, or at least with more healthy options, but there's just a part of myself I can give to them in the kitchen that I can't access any other way. Her blog is heartbreaking of late, I'll warn you, but it's certainly worth a read. It reminds me just how precious life really is, especially the life I know.

So I made these this week. It's an inexpensive recipe to make, easy, and requires ingredients I generally keep around the house anyway. To me the cookies taste like hot chocolate and I considered adding little marshmallows next time, just to see how they turned out. Anyway, here's the original recipe, copied directly from her page, exactly the way she posted it.

Chocolate Snaps

1cup (129 grams) all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons (6 grans) cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon (3 grams) baking soda
1/8 teaspoon (1 gram) salt
1/2 cup (86 grams) bittersweet chocolate chips
1/2 cup (4 ounces) butter, softened
1/4 cup (54 grams) sugar
1/4 cup (62 grams) brown sugar, light or dark
1 large egg, at room temperature
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
Preheat the oven to 350ºF. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper; set aside. In a small bowl, whisk together the flour, cocoa powder, baking soda and salt.
Place the choclate chips in a glass, microwave-safe bowl, and cook, uncovered, for 90 seconds, or until melted. Set aside to cool slightly.
In a large mixing bowl on medium-high speed, beat the butter and sugars until creamy. Add the egg and vanilla; beat for 1 minute until light and fluffy. Pour the melted chocolate into the bowl and beat for 1 more minute, until well-mixed.
Add the flour mixture, turn the mixer onto the lowest speed and mix until the flour is just incorporated. Stop the mixer and scrape down the sides of the bowl. Turn speed up to medium-high and beat for 30 seconds. The dough will look more like a thick cake batter than traditional cookie dough.
Fill a pastry bag and squeeze coin-sized dollops of dough 1-inch apart onto the prepared baking sheets. I can fit 24 cookies each on my half-sheet pans. Bake for 9 minutes, then remove sheets from the oven and let cool on the tray for two minutes. Using a spatula, transfer the cookies to the rack and let cool completely. Repeat with remaining dough, or see note for freezing formed cookies to bake at another time.


These cookies have a beautiful consistency--soft and light and almost fluffy, if it were possible for a cookie to be. I'm in love. Nice Guy and his cousin destroyed nearly an entire batch of these in one evening, they liked them so much.

So I wondered: How would these be if I didn't melt the chocolate chips but instead left them whole? I only made two changes to the recipe. The first was using a tablespoon of cocoa powder instead of two teaspoons and the second was leaving my chips whole. I used slightly more than the recipe called for but not much. This is the result:

They have the same soft and fluffy texture of the original recipe. They taste great and have the same lightness on the tongue. They don't have tons of chips (something I'd probably change next time around) and the chips aren't really visible in the picture since they mostly lay along the inner layer. They are worth a try, though, especially if someone in your house prefers the soft-and-light texture over the gooey-chewy alternative. These would be perfect for my dad (he likes softer cookies on account of his bad teeth) and I'll probably make him some for Christmas.

Jennie also has a chocolate chip cookie recipe that I will be trying soon, so check back and I'll let you know how it goes.

Simple Magic

 This is a repost of today's entry on my other blog. I'm going to update soon, I promise... But for now, my special morning.



 We're having car trouble so last night was hard on us. We are all tired and stressed after finding ourselves stranded last night. Yet again my parents rode in to the rescue. Sweet'ums loved that part; me, I just wish it wasn't necessary.

So in light of all of that, I really wasn't expecting a charmed morning.

Sweet'ums didn't want to get out of bed. I don't blame her, since it's pretty chilly. She gave me a little trouble getting dressed but once we headed out the door she was a different kid.

We got to the bus stop and I asked her if she was warm enough or if she wanted to snuggle. Immediately she jumped up and held her arms in the air to be picked up. So I tucked one of her arms in one side of my hoodie and her other arm in the other side. I wrapped the body of it around us both and just held her.

Then, the sweetness happened.

She looked up at the sky and informed me first that the moon was walking. I think she said that because there were a few clouds slipping by. The moon did look like it was walking. Then she told me the moon was following the stars.

I don't know why it struck me the way it did. Maybe it's because she kept talking about it. Maybe it was just how she said it, all sweet and quiet. Maybe it was just the cold getting to my brain. But to me, it was the sweetest thing.

We giggled over Eskimo kisses and she kept just looking at me with this look in her eyes. I don't know what got into her but I wish it would happen more often. It was just a beautiful, magical morning.

Falling

Fall has officially... well, fallen. Other than being rainy, this weekend has been absolutely beautiful. A week or two ago it was nice and cool and magnificent. This weekend has that odd winter/summer mix that we get sometimes this time of year. Right now it is 73 degrees and I think our low last night was like 68 or 69. Nice, steady temps, a pleasant breeze, tons of rain... Okay, okay, it's WINDY, not breezy, but I'm glad there's air movement instead of that awful stillness we get in late summer/early fall. And as for the rain, we've actually got some flooded roads and one of the rivers nearby is set to flood this week. But I'm still thankful! We've had drought conditions this year and hopefully this will help break that. I mean, it brought down a tree at the end of my road, so the drought index should be no problem!

Now we're on our way into the apples-and-pumpkins time of year. As far as my food preferences go, this is by far my favorite time of year. I LOVE apples (and the desserts that result!) and pumpkins are wonderful too. I love the fact that, this time of year, you get the warm, savory desserts. You get huge family meals. You have cool afternoons with steaming mugs of soup or stew or chili. There's so many opportunities for togetherness in the fall and I just love that. We're entering into the time of year where I get to have my mom over to help me cook holiday meals and all the fun that brings with it. And let's face it, girls, you've seen my picture. You know I'm all about some good food.

To kick things off I'm going to share a recipe I found and made this week. It was AMAZING! It's a very forgiving recipe (I accidentally left out 1/4 cup of sugar from the pumpkin part of it and it still tasted great!) and not difficult at all. The hardest part for me was the crust, and that's only because I can't leave well enough alone and just follow instructions.

Let me begin by sharing what I changed. I asked Nice Guy whether he wanted the gingersnap-and-pecan crust or a cinnamon graham cracker crust. He opted for graham cracker. So what I did was crush up about two cups of cinnamon graham crackers into fine crumbs and combined it with butter, starting with the amount called for and adding more until it really started to stick to itself. For me it took almost an entire stick of butter, but I chalk that up to the fact that graham crackers are very dry and I used the store brand variety. If I'd gone with name brand that might have been different. And who knows, I might have been able to get by with less butter, but I just couldn't get the crumbs to hold together. I didn't really want a crumbly crust, so I did what I thought was best. Also, like I mentioned, I accidentally left out a quarter cup of sugar. You'll notice in the instructions it says where to add the first half cup and shows the numbers. Silly me just completely overlooked the second addition of sugar since I was looking for numbers, not words. Honestly, my mom and my husband both loved it and wouldn't have noticed the missing sugar if I hadn't brought it up. So you could probably slide by without it or even add something like Splenda and have it still turn out if sugar is an issue for you.

One last thing: My springform pan is bigger than the one in the directions. This results in a bigger, but less impressive, cheesecake. My picture doesn't really do it justice. When it was whole it was beautiful.

Anyway, here we go. This is copied directly from the website.

Ingredients

• 1-1/2 cups crushed gingersnap cookies (about 30 cookies)
• 1/2 cup finely chopped pecans
• 1/4 cup butter, melted
• 2 packages (8 ounces each) cream cheese, softened
• 3/4 cup sugar, divided
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 3 eggs, lightly beaten
• 1 cup canned pumpkin
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 3/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 
  GARNISH:
• Whipped topping, optional
• Additional gingersnap cookies, cut into wedges, optional

Directions

• Place a greased 9-in. springform pan on a double thickness of heavy-duty foil (about 18 in. square). Securely wrap foil around pan; set aside.
• In a small bowl, combine cookie crumbs and pecans; stir in butter. Press onto the bottom and 1 in. up the sides of prepared pan. Bake at 325° for 9-11 minutes or until set. Cool on a wire rack.
• Meanwhile, in a large bowl, beat cream cheese and 1/2 cup sugar until smooth. Beat in vanilla. Add eggs; beat on low speed just until combined.
• Place 1 cup filling in a small bowl; stir in the pumpkin, cinnamon, nutmeg and remaining sugar. Remove 3/4 cup pumpkin filling and set aside. Pour remaining pumpkin filling into the crust; top with plain filling. Drop reserved pumpkin filling by spoonfuls over top; cut through filling with a knife to swirl.
• Place pan in a large baking pan; add 1 in. of hot water to larger pan. Bake for 50-60 minutes or until center is just set and top appears dull. Remove springform pan from water bath. Cool on a wire rack for 10 minutes. Carefully run a knife around edge of pan to loosen; cool 1 hour longer. Refrigerate overnight. Remove sides of pan. Garnish with whipped topping and cookie wedges if desired. Yield: 12 servings.

Next time I make this I'm going to double the plain cheesecake part and maybe use less of the pumpkin part. I'll make more of the crust and bring it further up the sides of my pan because, let me TELL you, that crust was good!

I hope you are able to take the time to make this cheesecake. It'll be great for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Birthday

A little while ago Libbie commented on some of my photos on Facebook and brought to my attention that I hadn't posted here about Sweet'ums' birthday party!

It wasn't a big thing. By the time it was all said and done, the only people who showed up were Nice Guy's cousin, NG's mom and two of his sisters, his nephews, and my parents. I made a couple cakes so I knew there'd be plenty of leftovers for everybody to take to the family members who couldn't make it. Sweet'ums had a blast even though it was small. She just wanted that cake.

In answer to your question on FB, Libbie, yes, I made the cakes. I used a McQueen cake pan put out by Wilton and it has these little grooves that help with the decorating. So it wasn't just me. :-D

She was REALLY excited about those cakes! I don't think she cared who was there or if it was here by her lonesome, she just wanted her cake.

And this is our happy little family on the big day. *sigh* I love these two monkeys! It was a great afternoon and even though it was small, it was worth the time.

Heartsick

It's that time again. A dear friend (a slightly older dear friend) is expecting. She was my biggest ally for a while, one of the few people I had who really understood why we weren't just taking the leap with having another baby. She really "got" that sometimes you have good reasons to not do the things you really want to. Oh, and I know that most people understand that on some level, but when it comes to kids most people have this, "Go ahead, the details will work themselves out," kind of attitude about it, and since it's a HUGE life change I don't really like leaving the details to chance. But anyway, she was one of the few people in my life who totally got that, without judgment or comment, and who only occasionally teased me about when we'd have another (she has two young sons and thinks I should have a daughter to marry each of her boys).

I'm sooo happy for her. I truly am. This might be the chance for her to get the daughter she's been wanting. This will most certainly be her last child, as she's not getting any younger and her husband, who is even older than she is, wasn't really looking to have any more kids. And she's nervous about the whole thing, and I get that too--there's so many issues for her right now like how she wasn't actually planning a pregnancy, she isn't sure when her last period was so she has no clue how far along she might be, and she's terrified that a medicine she has taken might have hurt the baby. And I know that having this baby doesn't change that she understands where we're coming from. She was afraid I'd be upset with her.

I guess my problem is I haven't figured out yet how to not get sick to my stomach every time someone I love comes to me about being pregnant. I haven't figured out how to stop being angry every time someone I don't love so much tells us they're pregnant. I don't know how to take me and my feelings out of the equation. And it doesn't even make sense. I mean, how can I be so happy for her and so sad at the same time? How does a person want to dance and cry at the same time? And it just all turns into hating myself for not being happy without reservation and without that sour pang of jealousy.

And I'll confess here what I won't admit to her, what I haven't admitted to my own mother. I was off birth control this month. It's actually the result of a financial hang-up at the beginning of the month when I needed to reorder, and since I have a particular start day that I stick to in regards to my husband's work schedule I had to wait the whole month before that day on his work schedule would roll around again so I could start. We were a little careless, thinking hey, we're never going to just decide to do it, so if we just don't worry about it this month and it happens then we'll just go with it and be happy. And this morning I tested after a week of symptoms that in most women would point towards the possibility. My results were, of course, negative.

This, less than a week after my baby turned 4 and we've been so nostalgic over her. I think back to her baby days and all I want is a time machine so I can go snuggle with 1 year old her for just ten minutes.

I love my friend and I'm so, so happy for her. I don't, however, love myself right now. The absolute polar opposite, in fact.

11:56PM

Hold onto your hats, ladies:

My baby is turning four.

What a ride it has been.

 From a beautiful, screaming newborn;

to a sweet one year old;

to a capable and smiley two year old;

to a prissy, strong-willed three year old;

to a beautiful, screaming, sweet, capable, smiley, prissy, strong-willed, independent, amazing four year old...

I love you, sweetheart. I always will. Happy 4th.

9/11 and all that it entails

So I'm officially getting old (it's downhill to 30 from here) and thanks to 9/11 the last ten years have been neatly outlined for me. It has been a long ride but here we are.

Of the last ten years I've spent five and a half in some kind of school, five and three quarters married, almost four as a mother, and ten wondering what the world would look like tomorrow.

I woke up on that day ten years ago with this heavy feeling. It wasn't something I fabricated after the events unfolded--a couple friends felt "off" that morning too and we talked about how strange it was before school started.

My parents worked hard to keep us sheltered from the world but 9/11 opened my eyes. I think of it sometimes as the day I grew up because before that day, the bad things in the world seemed so far away. I think a lot of young adults would tell you that. It made me realize that there was a whole world out there and it was the first time I became aware that some religious sects harbored a great deal of hostility. In the ten years that followed I learned that there were far more friendly Muslims than there were hostile ones and having religious differences didn't really make us all that different. People are still people, regardless of their faith, and most of us want basically the same things out of life--love, happiness, and to provide for our families.

The last ten years have seen a lot of change in my life. My family uprooted from a church we'd been at since my toddler years and I left my "accelerated" high school program in favor of my newspaper class and AP and honors courses. Two uncles, who hadn't really been in my life much, died; another, who had been involved in my life a great deal, created a chasm in our family. I had two ear surgeries and then went off to college. Marriage and parenthood changed my life in the best way. We had the summer of the hurricanes and countless other storms. Of course we had 9/11 and that created enormous change for our world. What a lot of upheaval.

But you know, other than dealing with the 9/11 stuff, it hasn't been so bad. A lot of good has happened in my life. I've met some truly amazing people and made some great friends. I crossed paths with the man who would become my best friend and husband. I've had a long road with my kid dealing with things I wouldn't have chosen for her but in the long haul, I know it makes us stronger. Things like that happen for a reason.

So hopefully today will be a good day. Hopefully I can tune out all the sad stuff and focus on the things that make my life what it is. Hopefully when I wake up that heavy feeling will be replaced by something better.

But there is one thing... All I really want for my birthday is to see my BFF. The funny part? I don't think she would be overseas were it not for 9/11.

A Little Light Blogging

I've been slipping up again with my blogging. Things have been a little crazy and honestly, I sleep every spare moment during the day and my nights are filled with trying to get Sweet'ums in bed.

As you know I had my gallbladder out in July. Things have been going well with that and I feel like a new person. I'm adjusting to eating differently but I still mess up sometimes. It really just means thinking more about what I eat and avoiding all those fatty, greasy foods we all know we should avoid anyway.

Where my real stress has been coming in is with Sweet'ums. Bedtime is a real fight lately and I wouldn't worry so much about it except that she has to be up at 6AM for school. And as much as I love her being in school, part of me wants to just forget it and let her stay up so that when she does, eventually, go to sleep, I can at least just let her sleep in the next morning and sleep in myself too.

Speaking of school, she's doing very well. Her bus driver and aid are very nice and her teacher keeps in constant contact with me during the week. It's very reassuring and I know that if there's a problem, they'll make sure I know about it.

So honestly, I'm walking around like a zombie and that's why I haven't posted as much. My mind really hasn't been present enough and nothing is really going on to talk about.

Is there anything my lovely readers would like to hear about? I'll gladly take requests. I'm just out of ideas at the moment.

Irene

Watching the news on the storm has me thinking back to this day seven years ago. Just thirteen days prior we survived Charley, a nasty little storm that hit as a Category 4 and maintained its strength well enough that it came out on the other end of the state still a hurricane. Actually, at the time it was the strongest storm to hit the US since Andrew, but we were blessed--it moved through quickly and its winds were the worst of it, as it left us with only four to six inches of rain. We had some flooding, but only because of the wet summer we'd already had. We thought we'd paid our dues, had our hurricane for a year or two, that we could watch the tropics with a certain amount of security. How often do we get back-to-back storms? I mean, even in a busy year we might get a hurricane and a couple tropical storms, but we have thunderstorms worse than some tropical storms. We do those in our sleep. I don't think we really thought we'd get anything else.

We didn't know we were ten days out from Frances, a huge storm that would toy with us before it hit as a Category 2 and dumped in the neighborhood of a foot of rain, ruining what little some people had left after Charley and toppling hundred year old oaks like saplings.

We didn't know that a near brush with Ivan was three weeks out and that more rain would come as his remnants crossed the state.

We couldn't have imagined the mess we would have with Jeanne one month later. We couldn't know after Frances, when we were saying we were glad she didn't have Charley's intensity and that Charley didn't have her size or slow movement, that nature would play an enormous joke in the form of a Charley-Frances hybrid. It made landfall as a Category 3 the size of Frances, dumped another 8 inches or so of rain, and moved so slowly. It left less damage in its wake but any local would tell you that it was only because after Charley and Frances there was simply little left to damage.

We were sad and tired, this day seven years ago, but we had hope that we were through the worst. We didn't know that in four weeks we would be heartbroken, cleaning up after our third hurricane in a month and a half IF we had anything left to clean up. We didn't know that some of us would be blessed and come out of it all barely touched while others would be left wondering if there was any reason to rebuild. We didn't see it coming. How could we have?

I think the main point of all of this is that it makes me nauseous to hear about people up north not taking the storm threat seriously. We've seen, down here, the destructive power of even "minor" storms. We take them in stride, sure, but they should never be underestimated. Some people down here don't really even prepare for hurricanes anymore, but it's hardly different from northerners not taking snowstorms too seriously--when you've been through something multiple times you just naturally know how to cope. But when you lose respect for it, forget the potential these things hold and the factors that can change in a moment to create all kinds of chaos, that's when people lose their lives.

I hope everyone up north stays safe through this storm. New England hasn't had this kind of threat in quite some years and even though it's slated to mostly be a rain-dropper with some wind potential, but people forget that water is an enormous danger with these things. Storm surge is so dangerous and coupled with insane rainfall... Well, I'm not sure they're prepared to deal with the flooding. At any rate, I hope everyone in the path of this thing prepares ahead of it and stays safe throughout.

Back to School, Back to Normal

Today my baby started school. School technically started yesterday but due to the inability of one person to do her job correctly (for more information please see my two most recent posts over at Little Froggy) Sweet'ums didn't get to go. So today was a new day for us both.

It's been a long week. Long two weeks, really. Week before last was full of drama and this past week was just tiring. Nothing would go right and Sweet'ums was a total butt about everything. Mom is out of town so I didn't really have any back-up. Actually, considering the whole situation with the bus, maybe it's good Mom wasn't in town. Things would have still been resolved but probably with a lot more bloodshed and bail money. She doesn't take dealing with the school board lightly. (And for those out there who were unfortunate enough to have either been born without a sense of humor or to have had it surgically removed, the previous statement was a joke, not some kind of oddly vague threat)

I'm tired. Oh, so very tired. I'm happy too though. Sweet'ums got on the bus today without hesitation and the fact that I didn't have to see her get hauled off screaming and crying makes me feel better. Having some peace and quiet and time to myself makes me feel good too. It's been too long (about two weeks lol) and I needed some quiet.

Those of you who have never had to deal with special needs kids have no idea what you're missing.

So go over to Frog Blog and check out the bus ordeal. It's quite epic--sure to rival Iliad and The Odyssey for future generations. I'm just proud of myself for not hurting anyone.

Fill me in on how school is going for all of you. Have a great week!

Family Time

A few days ago I ran across a link to this blog. More specifically, a reference to this post.

It really touched my heart and has been on my mind all week. It's a week late but I'm going to make a pie tomorrow to honor the love she shared and the love I share with my family.

It really makes you think about the possibilities and scary what-ifs in life. It also makes you value the people you have.

This will also be Sweet'ums' last weekend as a free kid. She starts school on Monday and I want to enjoy this time with her.

I don't have a lot to say right now. Enjoy your weekend with your families.

Getting things back to normal

So it's been an eventful two weeks but things are slowly and surely getting back to normal. My Sweet'ums is back home again after a weekend away and I fully expect after my appointment on Wednesday that I'll be cleared for all of my usual parental duties. So tonight I'm settling in for what I expect to be a quiet week with the family.

For all of the ease of recovery I've had, I admit that the hard part has been where my daughter is concerned. Sweet'ums isn't much of a huggy/kissy kid with me like she is with her daddy. With me, she's a snuggler. She wants me to pick her up so she can lay on my shoulder or sit in the big chair with her at night while she falls asleep. Unfortunately I'm supposed to not pick up anything heavier "than a bedroom slipper" according to my doctor and my sweet child is far heavier than a slipper. So until tonight I've avoided holding her much, even just on my lap (she's all elbows when she sits with you).

Tonight I finally broke down. I put a pillow across my gut and rocked her to sleep. I kid you not, she was out in five minutes flat. All she really wanted was Mommy.

And I know this stuff is bothering her. At MeMe's house she wanted a bandage for Froggy. MeMe made one for him and put it on his leg, but Sweet'ums didn't want that. She was only happy when MeMe put it on Froggy's belly. And when she got home, she inspected my belly and informed me that it was "looking better". So I know this is weighing heavily on her. She's so little and she doesn't understand why all this has happened. She doesn't understand that I miss our nights in the chair just like she does.

I'm healing though. Soon enough things will be like they were before and she'll forget this whole thing happened. And I'll have those little things that let me know that even though her relationship with her daddy is more affectionate, she misses me too when things aren't quite normal.

So how is everyone? Ready for school to start? Leave me a comment and let me know what you're thinking!

Mending

Slowly but surely I'm feeling better. My hubby is back at work and my little girl is back home again, so things aren't exactly easy. I'm very thankful for all of the help I got--Mom keeping Sweet'ums last week and weekend, and my brother and his sweetheart coming to help me yesterday. Today I'm alone but my SIL and her sweetie are supposed to be helping me the next couple days. This pain medication is knocking me on my fanny--honestly, if I wasn't so sleepy I'd probably feel great. But it's doing its job. Tomorrow and Thursday will hopefully be easier with SIL here and I can rest some.

So what to say? I'm down ten pounds. How does that sound? Granted, it's probably not the best way to lose weight, but at least it's working out in my favor. And it would also appear that I'm healing decent. I'm sore and everything but at least the incisions aren't really red and they're not weepy or oozy or anything.

Anyway, I'm gonna go now... I'm still really tired. How is everyone?

Regarding The Incidents Of The Last Two Days

I've mentioned a couple times the painful gas spells I've been getting at night and how we really didn't know what was causing them. I would have them for a couple nights and then have a night or two free of them. Then, over the last week or so, they seemed to get worse and last longer. Which brings us to Tuesday.

Tuesday morning I woke up after only being in bed half an hour with pain. I got on up and sat in the chair in the living room but finally had to get Nice Guy up. I felt so awful. It only got worse as time went on. By 4AM I was throwing up. Bear in mind that that was the first time in almost four years I've thrown up. So this goes on until almost 7AM and the whole time we're debating whether to go to the hospital or wait for our clinic's urgent care center to open. Finally we opted for Urgent Care since they'd already have access to my medical records.

So we loaded up and went to Urgent Care so we'd already be there when they opened at 8AM. I was taken back just shortly after we got there and got checked in and everything. We had to wait a few minutes to see the doctor, but not too long. When he came in he asked me a couple questions and announced that he thought it was my gallbladder and that he wanted some blood work and an ultrasound. So, off I go to get poked and prodded.

The ultrasound was interesting. We didn't even need an explanation to know that we saw a stone.

So off we went back down to Urgent Care. They got in touch with a surgeon who wanted a HIDA scan done so we waited an eternity for that. Once that was done they sent us back to U.C. where the doctor told us he wanted the removal surgery done right away. So after a lot of run-around, it was decided that they'd admit me that night and do the surgery at 7 the next morning.

So yesterday morning they took me back and in less than an hour they had me in recovery. I spent my day vegging out and trying to rest. At one point I fell asleep with a cup of hot tea in my hand and sat that way for nearly an hour. Needless to say, Nice Guy thought that was pretty funny. Late last night they released me so now I'm sitting at home, popping Vicodin every six hours and just trying to not wear myself out too much. The funny part is that, even with all the pain, my stomach still feels better.

There's just one thing that troubles me. The surgeon said that this should resolve most, if not all, of my stomach issues, which implies to me that even my diarrhea that I've had since Sweet'ums was born could easily have been tied in with this. My problem is this: if it's been my gallbladder since Sweet'ums was born, why in heaven's name didn't my primary check it out? It was so much easier than having the colonoscopy/endoscopy that he wanted done. Way less invasive, more conclusive, and way cheaper. I'll be finding myself a new primary, that's for sure. I won't continue going to a doctor who doesn't show a sincere interest in my good health.

So, that was my week so far... How was yours?

Just a little FYI

I had emergency gall bladder removal surgery this morning. Apparently that's the culprit behind all of my stomach pain lately. It went well and I'm home now. I'll share more about it later but I just wanted to let you know.

Dear Libby

Dear Libby,
Oh, how I love emailing with you. There's only one problem.

Every time I send you a comment or email I get an auto response saying it failed to be delivered. I don't know if you got my last email or not because I got the auto reply and I haven't heard from you. I'm in no hurry, but if you didn't get the email, please leave me a message here. I have no idea what could be causing it, unless your inbox is full.

Anyway, hugs and love and all of that good stuff. Squeeze the kiddies for me.

--V

Summer Doldrums

Summer seems to be slipping by so slowly. I'm always a bit sluggish during the summer but this summer has felt so much longer than usual.

To start with, I got allergy tested and I'm allergic to some of my favorite foods. We're doing the whole process-of-elimination (and reintroduction) thing to see what exactly is causing symptoms and what I can eat safely despite the allergy. This is an enormous nuisance. I'm also allergic to two members of my household. I'm still not sure how I'll address this issue.

I've been suffering at night with what seems to be a hard-to-pass gas bubble. I mentioned this at the end of May when it started and since then it comes and goes. I'll sleep for an hour or two, then wake up in incredible pain. It takes two or three hours to get it to go away, typically, and medicine only barely helps. Right now soda is my best friend and I hate that, because normally I'm not a big soda drinker. So combine not sleeping at night with a medication (also for stomach problems) that makes me very sleepy and you've got a very unhappy me. I'm getting by but I'm not very good company right now. The doctor is supposed to set me up with a GI doc to schedule an endoscopy and colonoscopy but that's very expensive, and in the meantime I have no help coping with the pain.

My daughter hasn't been the easiest to deal with either. I don't know if it's her age or if it's just some phase she's going through but she's suddenly very whiny. We went through this several months ago and I thought it had passed. She's whiny and I'm exhausted so we're really clashing right now. I think she just misses school, so I'm looking forward to it starting again. I really just miss having fun with her. At the moment, we're not having much fun at all.

We've also had some problems with my cat. He gets a little thin and loses some fur every summer but since this happens every year I don't worry too much. Usually it's not enough for visitors who don't see him every day to notice. This year was different. A friend commented that he looked like he had mange (which I kinda took offense to--he honestly didn't look THAT bad) and he's got little bare spots all over. Finally we took him to the vet. He is down to 12.8lbs, which still sounds like a big cat (they couldn't believe he lost weight) but since he was over 14lbs at his biggest, the weight loss is really noticeable to me. They said that they think he's pulling his own fur out. He probably had a flea at some point, figured out that clawing and plucking his fur out made him feel good (endorphins and all that), and it became a habit. They said that the worst problem from it is that it makes him look goofy, but right now that's all it does--it's not really doing long-term damage or anything. So, he's on happy pills for a month to try to break the cycle. They also gave him a cortisone shot because they thought he might have a mild underlying skin infection, and they said it would help with any itching he might have. So now every night I have to try to make him take a little blue pill in hopes that he'll be my best boy again. So far, so good--his appetite is back up some and he's meeting us at the front door again.

So all in all, we're just trying to deal with ourselves and still find opportunities to enjoy our summer. We want to go to the aquarium with my brother and his sweetie but so far we haven't set that up.

Oh, that's one wonderful light in the never-ending tunnel of summer. My brother's girlfriend is the best! Just thought I'd throw that out there.

Well, that's about it. I haven't died or stopped blogging or anything. My eyes are having trouble focusing on text right now thanks to my meds so I'm painting more instead, just to keep myself busy. I've discovered Artist Trading Cards and love the concept, so I'm playing around a lot with that.

So how are you ladies doing? Anything exciting happening this summer? Stay cool and talk to you all again soon.

Quick Apologies

For anyone I've communicated with recently:

I've started a new medication that made me a little loopy. It's for my stomach but man, this is some wild stuff! If you got a comment from me, or talked to me on the phone or email (most of which is unlikely, since a whole of three people read this blog!) I apologize if I made no sense. I commented on a few blogs and talked to a few people on the phone that first night before I realized that half of what I was trying to say wasn't coming out the way I meant to say it. I spoke with my brother and his girlfriend (who is spectacular, by the way) and probably told them I loved them a hundred times. I sounded drunk. So this is a blanket apology. I am most sincerely sorry, as I didn't realize how goofy (and maybe offensive) I might have sounded. If I said something to you that upset you or hurt your feelings or made you go "Huh???" I'm really so sorry.

Technical Problems

Due to some probable technical issues, I might not be here for a little while. To those of you who know how to get a hold of me, just leave me an email and I'll send you one back as soon as I can. Hopefully my computer issues won't be too serious. We'll see, I guess.

Happy Father's Day

Apologies

I realized last night that I have a couple followers whose blogs I haven't followed in return. It's something I try to do. I don't read a lot of blogs so I figure it's the least I can do in return to the people who take the time to read mine.

So, to the few of you who haven't heard from me, I'm sorry. I'm going to try my best to catch up over the next few days.

And if you didn't notice that I hadn't stopped by... Well, I'm going to. :)

Slacker

I'm sorry I'm being such a slacker.

School was magnificent. For details you can visit Little Froggy Goes To School and have a giggle at how psyched I am over things I think most parents must consider mundane. She's out for summer now and things have fallen back to what we used to consider "normal". She's behaving better most of the time but getting tired is a way more serious thing now for her and she acts out a lot more when she's even the least bit sleepy. She actually wants to do things with me now. I think I might enjoy this summer.

As for me, I'm still much the same. I was sick this past week and it really made things difficult. I'm actually still sick, kind of, but I really think it's an allergy issue and probably won't go away completely for a while. I go for allergy testing this month so hopefully some good will come of it.

I also got to see my friend who has been away with the Army. She was home for R&R and it was really good to get to spend the time with her.

I'm exhausted and having trouble staying awake so I'm heading over to the little frog blog real quick and then I'm probably off to bed. Good night all, and have a great weekend!

Still Alive

I didn't realize I had been gone that long until one of my buddies here in BlogWorld emailed me to see where I'd gone. I apologize.

The simple explanation is that I've been kind of busy. Last Friday was Sweet'ums' IEP meeting and they determined that she qualified for services. She started school this past Monday and since then it's been sort of blurry. I'm getting up way earlier than I'm used to and I'm having a hard time falling asleep at night. That results in me getting three or four hours of sleep at night before I have to get up and get her ready to take to school. My body is sending me death threats if I don't cut it out and unfortunately this pattern is here to stay.

I've also begun having problems with indigestion. I know it sounds silly, but it's a huge part of why I'm not sleeping at night and it's partly why I've been distracted and not writing. I've been in a lot of pain and most I've just kept myself still and quiet and tried riding it all out.

It'll probably be a few weeks before I'm completely straightened out. Sadly, about the time I get used to this pattern school will be out for the summer and I'll have to resign myself to getting up early for no good reason. *sigh*

So, I'll leave you with a link to my new blog for Sweet'ums and wishes for all of you to have a wonderful weekend.

The Countdown's On

Now it's less than a week until Sweet'ums' IEP meeting. Part of the reason I've been away for a while is we're trying so hard to do things together as a family when NG's off work since we might not get to as much once she's in classes. It's overwhelming to think about and it actually makes me a little lightheaded to consider just how much my life will be changing in such a short period of time.

I'm also a little bit of an emotional mess for other assorted reasons. Today NG told me he thought he heard kittens outside so I went to look. This little stray cat that hangs around had a hold of a bird and when she saw me she dropped it. The bird seemed like it might survive--it was bleeding but didn't have any of the normal signs of internal trauma (like bleeding from the nose, etc). We managed to scoop it up in to a box and gave it some bread and water until my mom could come get it and see what she could do. When she finally finished doing what she had to do she called me to see how the little bird had fared. I went to check on it and unfortunately it had died. Now I feel absolutely awful--I hate that the little bird lingered and I hate even more that I couldn't help her after chasing the cat away from a meal. And yes, I'm the loser that, even as an adult, still cries over little lost birds. I just wanted to help and instead the cat went without her meal and the bird still died.

I guess it just makes me feel like no matter how hard I try I can't fix anything.

Today was a good day mostly. I don't know why I feel so gloomy. I just miss having someone to sit and cry with. It's been so long. Once upon a time I had a couple friends around whom I'd just melt into tears when things like this happened. I don't have anyone like that anymore, really, except for NG. And Sweet'ums, but she thinks Mommy's crazy for just sniffling all the time.

She's growing into such a kid. We're teaching her to pray and NG made the mistake of telling her to say Grace. You can imagine what she did. And we've become quite taken with a song called "Little Bird, Little Bird" and when I was trying to sing her to sleep tonight she kept singing along. She loves the word "chickadee" and I think it's because her gym teacher calls her that. Sweet'ums lets herself get picked on without fighting back and she's so precious when there's things like bugs and flowers to investigate.

I already feel like my days are empty and she hasn't even started school yet.

A moment to celebrate

I try not to say much about politics or world events here. Once in a while I can't help myself but typically I keep things pretty neutral around here.

I also know we're not supposed to rejoice in another's suffering or celebrate the demise of our enemies.

Tonight, though, I have to take a moment and celebrate. Osama bin Laden took so much away from so many people on a bright and beautiful day almost ten years ago. Moms and dads and kids and grandparents and so many promising futures were lost that day. I spent what should have been a happy day for me worrying about family members who should have been at work in harm's way and feeling remorseful for all that so many had lost.

But this year? This year I think I'm going to throw a party. It'll be my twenty-fifth birthday, after all, and since Osama took the joy out of my birthday for an entire decade, and since he's finally been sent to the Maker for reckoning for the chaos he created and lives he was responsible for on that day and in the war that followed, I feel like I can finally smile again on my birthday.

It felt wrong before, being happy and celebrating on a day when so many other people were mourning a tragic loss, but this year it seems only appropriate. Celebrate the lives of those who died, and celebrate being alive myself.

As you go about your day, don't forget to give thanks for the thousands of people over the last ten years who have fought, and sometimes died, to help protect us from the likes of bin Laden. Don't forget to say a little prayer for the innocents and civilians who died as a result of this war, both in America and overseas. And don't forget to do a little happy dance that finally, maybe, we can bring this war to a close.

More Small Blessings

After months of getting little to no sleep, things are finally turning around. Sweet'ums is finally going to bed easier and actually staying asleep at night. I've also figured out that part of her problem has been allergies and, per the doctor's orders, she's been getting Zyrtec (or the generic, rather) each night. I really wish I'd thought to do that sooner.

So in a lot of ways she's like a new kid. She's still hard to figure out and appease but at least she's sleeping better. And, as all moms know, a well rested child is a better behaved child.

Today in the mail we got the notice about her IEP meeting. I'm really dreading it but at the same time I'm looking forward to it. I guess the easiest way to say it is I'm scared. It's a huge change and I don't know what to expect. And on her first day I really want to drive her to school but I don't have a car of my own. No matter how it all works out I imagine her daddy will try to be home for it.

So that's all I have right now. I'll update again soon.

Grr

I hate when people who know my upbringing raise the subject of religion with me. The problem is that I'm very well educated but that education lends itself to looking at the faith from many sides, and not always the way people want me to look at it; they always end up thinking I'm some kind of heathen when really, I'm more at peace now with what I've learned on my own than I ever was with the stuff they taught me at church. It's a journey, folks. We don't all get there at the same time... And it would seem that the scenic route is meant for me.

So Fast

So lately a lot has been happening. We've had a long weekend dealing with a lack of sleep and us passing around a stomach bug, but some good is happening too.

For a couple years now we've struggled to get ready to buy a house. The good news is that we're almost there! Hubby's credit is in range, but the mortgage guy he talked to said to take another couple months to get one more thing in order so we could get a better interest rate and maybe a better mortgage (as a whole). So that is exciting! It's nice to know that we could go RIGHT NOW if we wanted and most likely get it, so waiting a little longer doesn't hurt as much.

The other good thing is that we finally got our copy of the report from Sweet'ums' evaluation. It looks like a pretty solid statement of autism but they want her tested again at a later time to make sure. They mentioned that with her being so young that the evaluation is indicative only of her current level of development and not of her future potential, and hence another reason for her to be re-tested in the future. The final judgment about her services will be left up to the staffing people, so pray that they'll help us out. I'm at my wit's end as to how to help her and I'll be pretty annoyed if I have to fight with insurance to get something done. I know in my heart that if they'll help her now she won't need their help later, but if this gets put off we're looking at a lifetime of playing catch-up. That wouldn't be fair to her.


Overall I'm excited right now that things are finally moving along in all of those areas that seemed stalled for so long. It's actually a little overwhelming, since it's all happening at once. And, mostly I'm thrilled that something's finally happening for Sweet'ums because what happens now might make the difference for her whole life. That's a huge deal to me.

So how are y'all doing out there?

More of me and my emotions

Tonight my heart is raw. It was a good day. Sweet'ums came home from her Sunday with MeMe and she was in a good mood. She was all over her daddy, hugging and kissing and she actually told us she loved us after she heard us say it to each other. It's hard to let her go to bed on days like this, knowing tomorrow may be the polar opposite.

My heart is screaming tonight, begging to just keep redoing today. I shouldn't feel like this. I should just be thankful for the good days we have, but it really feels unfair that every day isn't better, like today.

I feel really foolish, sitting here, crying. I'm talking to a friend of mine on Yahoo who has a little girl who has some issues, not the same issues as Sweet'ums, but they're similar enough that on a day to day basis she knows exactly how I'm feeling. She's such a blessing and I can't even say how good it is to be able to talk to someone who understands. I'd never wish this roller coaster feeling on anyone, but it's always uplifting when someone "gets" it.

I'm sorry to keep bringing all of this up. I'm a downer lately.

In other news, we went to a wedding last weekend. It was the first time NG and I had really dressed up together and I think we looked pretty good. The wedding was beautiful too. I got to see some friends from high school for the first time in years and just chill out. NG and I also got to dance together for the first time. I'm glad we ended up going. I almost didn't, but my friend I mentioned up there gave me the necessary pep talks to motivate me. :)

So I guess that's all I have for now. I leave you with a song I really like. This video isn't the best but I love the song.

The waiting game

Right now we're waiting for Sweet'ums' IEP meeting. This is driving me INSANE! They're dragging their feet and in the meantime my kid's behavior is getting worse, I have no idea how to help her, and neither of us are sleeping like we should. I'm exhausted, she's cranky, and nobody's happy.

I feel like my sanity is slipping some days. I'm getting forgetful, really bad, and it's from not sleeping or eating properly. My patience is slipping too and I find myself getting irritated over little things. And the trouble around here is only getting worse--the other night, my daughter bit me for the first time. Imagine my shock! I had to get NG up to help deal with her because she was fighting me so hard. I'm probably the only mom in the world who could get bitten by her 3 year old and somehow twist it around to be her own fault.

It's starting to take a toll on my marriage as well. I don't think we'd split over it, but there's the constant strain of the fussiness all day, the hours-long bedtime fight at night, and the fact that we now have no quiet time in the evenings to just spend together.We get upset at Sweet'ums and end up arguing with each other.

I don't get how the school board can make you wait six to eight weeks or longer for something like this, just like I don't see how they could make you wait three months per stage of testing (assuming there are no cancellations). They take their time and while you wait your child gets further and further behind, so that when they do start classes (or school, if you started the process late) you look like a bad parent for having such a delayed child. Why didn't you do something sooner? teachers ask. Well, it's because the ChildFind people are SO SLOW.

I don't really blame them, exactly. They seem short-staffed for what they're dealing with. But I do think there's a massive lack of understanding of what, exactly, parents are going through at home while they wait for help.

So while we wait we keep fighting at bedtime. We struggle to get her to tell us what she wants. We trudge through the occasional (luckily!) public and frequent at-home meltdowns, scared someone's going to call DCF when they hear her screaming because they think we're trying to hurt her. I feel like I hold my breath until the nights she spends with my mom but by the time those nights come I'm so used to being up all night that I still can't sleep. I feel like the world's worst parent for wanting so desperately to get away sometimes.

We have good moments though. She loves Stuart Little and airplanes. She loves gardening with me and helping me make yummy treats. She loves art and music. We have lots of great little moments when she's having good days or good hours. I still get hugs and sometimes even kisses, though normally I have to ask for them unless she's feeling unusually lovey. She's intrigued by her baby tomatoes and roses and sunflowers and daisies and checks on them every time we go outside. At least it's something we have in common.

I don't mean to sound so negative every time I get on here. I set out with good intentions to say some positive things but in the midst of being tired and frustrated and thinking back on last night's argument and how nonsensical it was and how I was so delirious with being tired I actually washed dishes IN ANGER, I find it harder to say nice things. I'm working on it though. I promise.

Oh, I know... I should say something nice about my husband while I'm here. :) He is the most understanding person most of the time. Last night, after I got done ranting and raving and saying all kinds of hurtful things, he still told me what a good mom I was being and how good I was doing hanging in there with what I was dealing with. And he's such a great dad too. He and Sweet'ums are two of a kind and they compliment each other in the most amazing way. :)

I hope everyone out there is having a great week.