I just figured I should update on life...
I haven't called my aunt and cousins yet. First Sweet'ums and I were sick, so I put it off... Now I'm debating whether or not I should bother calling, because my aunt is creating a lot of drama for my mom and her sister, including handing out their phone numbers any time someone calls to complain about the condition my uncle is in. Literally, the other day someone called her to complain about the way the house and my uncle looked, so she gave them my mom's sister's phone number and told them to talk to her. Regardless of whether my uncle's wife is down here or not, she's still his wife and she's still responsible for him. My mom and her sis have already done plenty--they shouldn't be the ones physically responsible for him when he still has a wife. So I really don't know whether or not I will, or should, call.
The zinnias that Sweet'ums and I planted are doing well. They're getting big! I thinned them yesterday and it seems like they exploded overnight.
Today was Sweet'ums' last Mommy and Me class at the gym. Since she turns 3 in September, they've decided to just move her up to the next class when they start back in August. That is really exciting, but for me it's bittersweet. When she moves up I won't be moving up with her--the next class doesn't have parental involvement. She'll start learning "real" gymnastics, which is also exciting and a bit nerve-wracking. I'm trying my best to not let myself get overly worried about her hurting herself--the teacher for her next class is really good about taking care of injuries. He's apparently got talent himself. From what my mom has told me, he was in the process of qualifying for the Olympics when he blew out his knee. The gym has also produced a kid who also nearly made it to the Olympics. So maybe you guys will get to watch my baby on tv one of these days.
NG's granny is still in the hospital, and thanks to the fact that my MIL is the one who disseminates information we can't get a straight answer about Granny's outlook. Honestly, I don't think she's quite as bad as MIL makes her out to be (MIL called us telling NG to consider donating bone marrow...the funny part is that the doctors still aren't clear on if it'll even help) but I think she's on a downhill slide. She's old (past 80) and she's already on chemo. It's taxing her physically.
Last but not least, my uncle's out of the hospital. They keep calling my mom wanting her to do stuff for him and she can't seem to make them understand that she only Baker Acted him to get the state involved to force him to get help. She doesn't have the money, energy, or time to babysit someone who refuses to care for themselves. Physically she doesn't have it in her. And he is, after all, still married, so why don't they call his wife and make her do her part until they actually divorce?
That's what's going on at the moment. I want to post some pictures but I really can't right now while my computer is being this way. I hope things are going well for everyone else.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Mom Moments
There's moments in mothering that make me want to rip my hair out, call a sitter (or my mom!), and go on permanent vacation. Then there's those moments that make my heart melt and that make up for all of those hair-removal moments.
Tonight, I was taking pictures of Sweet'ums. She kept flashing me her Elton John-Tiny Dancer-style "pirate smile" (or, what comes to mind for me when I hear that song) and she was absolutely adorable, and I just had to get a picture. So after I'd snapped a few she decided she wanted to look at the pictures in the camera with me.
We looked at the newer ones and then started on the old ones. There's one of her from last year wearing my boots and her Goofy shirt ("[Sweet'ums] BEAUTIFUL!" she says). There's some from when she was finger painting and she was covered in paint ("Pink tummy!"). There's the ones from when she was feeding her baby. And then there were some her daddy took of when I decided to indulge in a nap one afternoon during her naptime.
"I see her! [Sweet'ums]!" she exclaimed. That's how she points things out to us. For example, when we go outside, she likes to point out the moon to us. "I see her! Moooooon!"
"Yes, sweetie. I see you too."
" I see Mommy too."
"Me too," I replied. By this point I'm smiling. "I love you, sweetie."
"I love you too, Mommy."
And my heart melted.
Sometimes she'll say she loves us, but never in so clear and perfect a sentence has she expressed her affection for us. And it was somewhat unusual for her to point me out in a picture that way too. It's something I've been dying to hear, just like that, in those words.
It was a perfect moment. Of course the rest of the evening was horrible in comparison, but that moment with her made it all worthwhile.
Tonight, I was taking pictures of Sweet'ums. She kept flashing me her Elton John-Tiny Dancer-style "pirate smile" (or, what comes to mind for me when I hear that song) and she was absolutely adorable, and I just had to get a picture. So after I'd snapped a few she decided she wanted to look at the pictures in the camera with me.
We looked at the newer ones and then started on the old ones. There's one of her from last year wearing my boots and her Goofy shirt ("[Sweet'ums] BEAUTIFUL!" she says). There's some from when she was finger painting and she was covered in paint ("Pink tummy!"). There's the ones from when she was feeding her baby. And then there were some her daddy took of when I decided to indulge in a nap one afternoon during her naptime.
"I see her! [Sweet'ums]!" she exclaimed. That's how she points things out to us. For example, when we go outside, she likes to point out the moon to us. "I see her! Moooooon!"
"Yes, sweetie. I see you too."
" I see Mommy too."
"Me too," I replied. By this point I'm smiling. "I love you, sweetie."
"I love you too, Mommy."
And my heart melted.
Sometimes she'll say she loves us, but never in so clear and perfect a sentence has she expressed her affection for us. And it was somewhat unusual for her to point me out in a picture that way too. It's something I've been dying to hear, just like that, in those words.
It was a perfect moment. Of course the rest of the evening was horrible in comparison, but that moment with her made it all worthwhile.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Playing Parrot
Lately Sweet'ums has made me do a lot of thinking. I realized that children are an incredible way to tell how often you say certain things.
For example: The other day, Sweet'ums was talking to herself, and then suddenly she just starts calling, "Just a minute! Just a minute!" the way she hears us say when we ask each other to do things. I don't remember exactly what was going on at the moment, but since then she says it often.
Another example: When Sweet'ums is agitated at us, like when we've told her that she can't do something and she's upset about it, she's gotten to where she says something like "bay-bay-bay-bee" really fast. It puzzled us for a while and we weren't really sure where she got it from. Then, riding down our road the other day, Nice Guy was following too close to the car in front of him and nearly hit it when the guy turned into a driveway (without a blinker, of course). Luckily we were only going like fifteen miles per hour and it was easy enough to stop, but in the split second between the guy starting to turn and NG hitting the brakes I shrieked, "BabyBabyBabyBaby!" It resulted in an argument about which was worse, NG following too closer or the guy turning without a blinker, but that part is irrelevant. The moment it came out of my mouth I realized what Sweet'ums had been saying. She was mimicking what I shriek in moments of surprise and fear, usually in the car, to my husband.
One last example: On our way out of the grocery store NG leaned down to pick up Sweet'ums, saying to her, "Come here, Sweetie." Once he had her in his arms, she hugged him and said, "Come here, baby." I believe I have also mentioned before that she calls me Baby Mommy, and that I suspected that it had something to do with me calling her Baby so much and I thought she was calling me Baby either as an endearment or as a possessive (her version of "Baby's Mommy").
I guess it really shows the range of the things we say and the way we live. We help each other with things around here a lot, but usually the request takes a moment to complete. I'm constantly scolding him for careless things done while driving or careless moments around the house. And I'm constantly calling to Sweet'ums to help me with something, or to keep her out of trouble, or to show her something.
These aren't the only things she says, of course, but they really stuck out to me. They're a cross-section of our average day, and they show that she's listening even when she doesn't seem to be. She overhears and repeats pieces of our normal household conversations, tries to mimic our actions, and can even use some of our phrases in context (bay-bay-bay-bee, anyone?). She notices when I'm stressed, and how I react and what I say. She also remembers our tender moments, the things we share with her, and the way we take care of her. Like right now I'm sick, and she keeps bringing me the tube of Vicks cream that I kept her slathered with when she was sick.
I knew when we began this crazy adventure that as the primary female role model to a little girl I'd be mimicked and imitated and watched. But there's just something about living it. You can't really prepare yourself for how it feels to hold yourself to such a standard until you're watching your very own Mini-Me copy your every move. NG has the burden of being idolized, but I've got the burden of being an example. And other than when I catch myself misbehaving, or when I don't really know how to react to something, I really do love that burden.
It really does make you think, though. It's kind of scary. One day I'll look at her and I'll see myself, and one of two things will happen: either I'll like what I see, or I won't. Hopefully, between my example and her own moral code and personality, I'll like what I see when I look at her seventeen or eighteen years from now. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I at least hope to be a fitting role model to my little parrot.
For example: The other day, Sweet'ums was talking to herself, and then suddenly she just starts calling, "Just a minute! Just a minute!" the way she hears us say when we ask each other to do things. I don't remember exactly what was going on at the moment, but since then she says it often.
Another example: When Sweet'ums is agitated at us, like when we've told her that she can't do something and she's upset about it, she's gotten to where she says something like "bay-bay-bay-bee" really fast. It puzzled us for a while and we weren't really sure where she got it from. Then, riding down our road the other day, Nice Guy was following too close to the car in front of him and nearly hit it when the guy turned into a driveway (without a blinker, of course). Luckily we were only going like fifteen miles per hour and it was easy enough to stop, but in the split second between the guy starting to turn and NG hitting the brakes I shrieked, "BabyBabyBabyBaby!" It resulted in an argument about which was worse, NG following too closer or the guy turning without a blinker, but that part is irrelevant. The moment it came out of my mouth I realized what Sweet'ums had been saying. She was mimicking what I shriek in moments of surprise and fear, usually in the car, to my husband.
One last example: On our way out of the grocery store NG leaned down to pick up Sweet'ums, saying to her, "Come here, Sweetie." Once he had her in his arms, she hugged him and said, "Come here, baby." I believe I have also mentioned before that she calls me Baby Mommy, and that I suspected that it had something to do with me calling her Baby so much and I thought she was calling me Baby either as an endearment or as a possessive (her version of "Baby's Mommy").
I guess it really shows the range of the things we say and the way we live. We help each other with things around here a lot, but usually the request takes a moment to complete. I'm constantly scolding him for careless things done while driving or careless moments around the house. And I'm constantly calling to Sweet'ums to help me with something, or to keep her out of trouble, or to show her something.
These aren't the only things she says, of course, but they really stuck out to me. They're a cross-section of our average day, and they show that she's listening even when she doesn't seem to be. She overhears and repeats pieces of our normal household conversations, tries to mimic our actions, and can even use some of our phrases in context (bay-bay-bay-bee, anyone?). She notices when I'm stressed, and how I react and what I say. She also remembers our tender moments, the things we share with her, and the way we take care of her. Like right now I'm sick, and she keeps bringing me the tube of Vicks cream that I kept her slathered with when she was sick.
I knew when we began this crazy adventure that as the primary female role model to a little girl I'd be mimicked and imitated and watched. But there's just something about living it. You can't really prepare yourself for how it feels to hold yourself to such a standard until you're watching your very own Mini-Me copy your every move. NG has the burden of being idolized, but I've got the burden of being an example. And other than when I catch myself misbehaving, or when I don't really know how to react to something, I really do love that burden.
It really does make you think, though. It's kind of scary. One day I'll look at her and I'll see myself, and one of two things will happen: either I'll like what I see, or I won't. Hopefully, between my example and her own moral code and personality, I'll like what I see when I look at her seventeen or eighteen years from now. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I at least hope to be a fitting role model to my little parrot.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Crazy week
This has been a crazy week--LITERALLY. My mom and her sister had to go get a court order to have my uncle committed to the psych ward of the hospital. It really dragged up a lot of memories and old emotions for me and for them too, having all of this happen.
He was always manipulative. He could get anyone to believe just about anything he wanted. He put appearances above all else, and so much of what he did was done so that people would see it. He would verbally and mentally abuse family behind closed doors while smiling and putting on a great face in public and doing huge things for his family that other people would notice.
I remember when I was little, how he'd act. He'd keep me and sometimes my brother for a weekend here and there, and of course he'd do a lot with us so people would think he was the best uncle. What they didn't see was how mean he'd be to us if we tracked a little bit of dirt into his apartment, or left something out of place, or touched something he didn't want us to touch. They didn't see how he'd take us to Burger King, buy a Whopper, cut it into quarters, and give each of us a quarter and take the remaining half for himself. And this is us as older kids, seven or eight years old! They saw how he took in my great grandmother (the woman who raised him, my mom, and the other two older kids) when she began approaching her last days, but they didn't see behind closed doors how he'd talk mean to her and refuse to give her her medicine if he was angry. They didn't see how he basically stole the inheritances of his siblings by forging my great-grandmother's will.
They didn't see how he beat up my mom in our own house, and they didn't see why. They didn't see him fail to show up when he said he would, or us leaving to go to the store several hours later, or him at our house, angry that we weren't there when he finally showed up. They didn't see him hit my mom while using his one year old son as a human shield to keep my mom from hitting back. They also didn't see how, a few years later, he waited until he knew my mom was at work to stop by and leave her a nasty little note about how she was never around when he came by and how, "by the way", their oldest brother had died six months before of heart failure (the details of that are a story for another day). Nobody knows how he held on to that information and put off telling anyone until it suited him!
And nobody knows how my cousin used to stay every weekend with me from the time when she was six months or so old until the final falling out, and how I used to find bruises on her body that there was no way she got the way he said she did. No one saw how she'd get in trouble for things her baby brother got away with, or how she'd get blamed for what he did, and just how harsh my uncle would be on her.
It's been probably ten years since I saw the kids, or him for that matter. And I've got so much anger towards him for all the things he did to all of us. I feel awful for it now that all of this is happening.
It's such a conflicted feeling. How do you show compassion for someone who never showed any, even to his dying grandmother who raised him? How do you care for someone who has never done anything but lie and cheat and steal from the people who were closest to him? How do you forgive someone who abused the most vulnerable people in his life?
A part of me thinks they should have just left him there and not wasted their time. After all, what you do to others comes back around again, and I tend to think that this is karma (for lack of a better one-word descriptor). He was starving himself, after all. He was the one refusing his medications. He was the one running everyone off. Why should anyone else put up with it?
And the sad part is, when this is all over and they finally release him, he's going to pretend like none of this happened. He's going to either tell people my family lied to get him locked up, or he'll tell people that it didn't happen, that it was just a rumor. And people will believe him, because how could sweet, wonderful him ever land himself in the psych ward?
I've avoided him for the last five years. I go out of my way here locally to keep my life low-key because I don't ever want him finding my family and subjecting my daughter to the drama we were subjected to growing up. He's part of the reason I don't tolerate the nonsense in NG's family, because I've already been there, done that with all of it.
But, there is hope: maybe I can reconnect with my cousins and their mom and finally reestablish a relationship with them, now that he's out of the picture.
Hopefully I can continue to keep him away from Sweet'ums and keep him out of my life.
He was always manipulative. He could get anyone to believe just about anything he wanted. He put appearances above all else, and so much of what he did was done so that people would see it. He would verbally and mentally abuse family behind closed doors while smiling and putting on a great face in public and doing huge things for his family that other people would notice.
I remember when I was little, how he'd act. He'd keep me and sometimes my brother for a weekend here and there, and of course he'd do a lot with us so people would think he was the best uncle. What they didn't see was how mean he'd be to us if we tracked a little bit of dirt into his apartment, or left something out of place, or touched something he didn't want us to touch. They didn't see how he'd take us to Burger King, buy a Whopper, cut it into quarters, and give each of us a quarter and take the remaining half for himself. And this is us as older kids, seven or eight years old! They saw how he took in my great grandmother (the woman who raised him, my mom, and the other two older kids) when she began approaching her last days, but they didn't see behind closed doors how he'd talk mean to her and refuse to give her her medicine if he was angry. They didn't see how he basically stole the inheritances of his siblings by forging my great-grandmother's will.
They didn't see how he beat up my mom in our own house, and they didn't see why. They didn't see him fail to show up when he said he would, or us leaving to go to the store several hours later, or him at our house, angry that we weren't there when he finally showed up. They didn't see him hit my mom while using his one year old son as a human shield to keep my mom from hitting back. They also didn't see how, a few years later, he waited until he knew my mom was at work to stop by and leave her a nasty little note about how she was never around when he came by and how, "by the way", their oldest brother had died six months before of heart failure (the details of that are a story for another day). Nobody knows how he held on to that information and put off telling anyone until it suited him!
And nobody knows how my cousin used to stay every weekend with me from the time when she was six months or so old until the final falling out, and how I used to find bruises on her body that there was no way she got the way he said she did. No one saw how she'd get in trouble for things her baby brother got away with, or how she'd get blamed for what he did, and just how harsh my uncle would be on her.
It's been probably ten years since I saw the kids, or him for that matter. And I've got so much anger towards him for all the things he did to all of us. I feel awful for it now that all of this is happening.
It's such a conflicted feeling. How do you show compassion for someone who never showed any, even to his dying grandmother who raised him? How do you care for someone who has never done anything but lie and cheat and steal from the people who were closest to him? How do you forgive someone who abused the most vulnerable people in his life?
A part of me thinks they should have just left him there and not wasted their time. After all, what you do to others comes back around again, and I tend to think that this is karma (for lack of a better one-word descriptor). He was starving himself, after all. He was the one refusing his medications. He was the one running everyone off. Why should anyone else put up with it?
And the sad part is, when this is all over and they finally release him, he's going to pretend like none of this happened. He's going to either tell people my family lied to get him locked up, or he'll tell people that it didn't happen, that it was just a rumor. And people will believe him, because how could sweet, wonderful him ever land himself in the psych ward?
I've avoided him for the last five years. I go out of my way here locally to keep my life low-key because I don't ever want him finding my family and subjecting my daughter to the drama we were subjected to growing up. He's part of the reason I don't tolerate the nonsense in NG's family, because I've already been there, done that with all of it.
But, there is hope: maybe I can reconnect with my cousins and their mom and finally reestablish a relationship with them, now that he's out of the picture.
Hopefully I can continue to keep him away from Sweet'ums and keep him out of my life.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Sick kids
About two weeks ago Sweet'ums began to sniffle a little. It quickly turned into a cough, but we didn't worry too much. She hadn't run a fever and she was still playing, and other than being unusually agreeable and Mommy-clingy her personality hadn't suffered for being sick. Then, she started coughing most of the night. We took her to the doctor the Tuesday after Memorial Day, and he said it was just that "thing" that was going around with a lot of kids locally. He told us what to give her (since they pulled all the cold medications off the shelves for kids under 4) and to come back in if she hadn't improved in a week or if she got worse. So we go home and hunker down for a rough few days.
She had another couple rough nights, but then she began to improve. We were so excited. There's nothing as pathetic as a sick baby, and we were happy to see her feeling better.
Then, all at once, it was like those better nights had never happened. The cough got worse during the day and nothing we did at night would relieve it. So today, about ten days after the first trip to the doctor, we called him back.
Turns out it's bronchitis. Nothing too serious, but it's good we went back when we did. He gave her an antibiotic and said to call back right away if she seemed to get worse or if her symptoms changed.
It feels good to know what's wrong and hopefully she'll begin to improve once the antibiotic is in her system good. I'm really proud of her, though. She went almost three years before she needed an antibiotic, which is a heck of a lot better than my brother or I ever managed.
Now all I have to worry about is whether or not NG is getting sick. He's starting to feel bad and I'm not looking forward to taking care of two sick babies while running on no sleep myself.
In other news...
My brother is "officially" engaged. I'm mostly avoiding the whole situation and I almost wish my mom would stop giving me these updates. Let him do what he's going to do... If he messes up, oh well.
My MIL is still up to her antics. It's actually kind of funny, but I'll update more on that another day.
And my MIL Garden is actually hanging in there. I've had one flower on one of my freesias and three of my glads have bloomed, with a fourth getting ready to. I've had two oranges and a pink, and I'm excited to see what this newest one will be. Only one dahlia is hanging in there, so we'll see whether it lasts the summer. I've also got some zinnias started from seed, along with hollyhock and lavender and some assorted seeds I got along with those mini pots from Target. I'm hoping to plant all of these in garden pots so I don't have to contend with the stupid soil here.
So all in all, please pray for my sick babies and for me too, because this is definitely the worst part of motherhood so far.
She had another couple rough nights, but then she began to improve. We were so excited. There's nothing as pathetic as a sick baby, and we were happy to see her feeling better.
Then, all at once, it was like those better nights had never happened. The cough got worse during the day and nothing we did at night would relieve it. So today, about ten days after the first trip to the doctor, we called him back.
Turns out it's bronchitis. Nothing too serious, but it's good we went back when we did. He gave her an antibiotic and said to call back right away if she seemed to get worse or if her symptoms changed.
It feels good to know what's wrong and hopefully she'll begin to improve once the antibiotic is in her system good. I'm really proud of her, though. She went almost three years before she needed an antibiotic, which is a heck of a lot better than my brother or I ever managed.
Now all I have to worry about is whether or not NG is getting sick. He's starting to feel bad and I'm not looking forward to taking care of two sick babies while running on no sleep myself.
In other news...
My brother is "officially" engaged. I'm mostly avoiding the whole situation and I almost wish my mom would stop giving me these updates. Let him do what he's going to do... If he messes up, oh well.
My MIL is still up to her antics. It's actually kind of funny, but I'll update more on that another day.
And my MIL Garden is actually hanging in there. I've had one flower on one of my freesias and three of my glads have bloomed, with a fourth getting ready to. I've had two oranges and a pink, and I'm excited to see what this newest one will be. Only one dahlia is hanging in there, so we'll see whether it lasts the summer. I've also got some zinnias started from seed, along with hollyhock and lavender and some assorted seeds I got along with those mini pots from Target. I'm hoping to plant all of these in garden pots so I don't have to contend with the stupid soil here.
So all in all, please pray for my sick babies and for me too, because this is definitely the worst part of motherhood so far.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Bless her heart
My SIL (the middle of my hubby's three sisters) graduates tomorrow. Sadly, someone she loves dearly won't be there for her, and he doesn't even know what he's missing.
Her boyfriend of about a year broke up with her about a week and a half ago. She's been absolutely devastated. I think the worst part of it is that he told her he needed "time off" but didn't fully break things off. In all seriousness I think he was trying to avoid doing the real "dirty work" of breaking up himself, hoping that either she'd get tired of being apart and do it herself or that eventually she'd just give up and move on. She's still in love with him and she keeps making excuses for him--his job has him so stressed, he just keeps bottling it up in order to spare her and he needs time to deal with it. He'll come back, he promised. He won't go with any other girls--he's had his heart broken before, he knows how badly it hurts, and he promised.
The problem for me is that over the last week he's already broken two promises he made to her. He quit smoking some time after they met and promised he wouldn't do it any more. He's started smoking again (even posted it on his MySpace) and he won't be attending her graduation tomorrow, despite promising her and even taking the day off work. Personally, I'm glad he won't be there tomorrow, because I don't want my husband getting arrested at a high school event (I'm afraid he'd whoop that boy for breaking his sister's heart) and I don't want H finding herself in a situation that is more painfully awkward than she's prepared to handle. But I think that these broken promises are only indicative of more to come, and unfortunately for H I don't think she realizes that once the relationship is over, all bets are off. His promises are no longer valid.
I'm afraid that by holding on to hope that she's going to find herself more hurt in the long run. We've all been there, we all know how hopeless the first weeks after a breakup can be, especially when it was our first serious relationship. But she just keeps waiting for him to call, keeps watching his MySpace for signs that he's changing his mind, and having been there, done that, I know she's only setting herself up for more disappointment.
Exactly six years ago I was in her situation. It took him until December but he called me back, like he promised, and we tried again. Sure enough, he broke up with me a second time for the same reason he did the first time. Nothing had changed and I opened myself up to getting hurt a second time when I really shouldn't have. It was a learning experience, sure, but it was one I could certainly have gotten by without. I would hate to see her go through what I went through that year, pining for him instead of truly moving on. Instead of making the following year about me, I let him set me up for a string of relationships I couldn't get truly involved in emotionally, and I think that in turn it set me up to make some bad decisions.
I've been there, done that. I'm trying my best to share with her the lessons it taught me, but I'm really afraid that she's putting herself in a position to where the only way she'll learn is the hard way. She's already said she thinks she'll get back together with him, and while that would be contingent on him calling her back it shows that she's willing to put aside his behavior and sacrifice her own feelings just to have a boyfriend. She says she knows there's still so much love between them, and I can't help but disagree--sometimes in relationships people do hurtful things, but when real love is there people don't do things intentionally to hurt the person they say they love. I believe that with all of my heart. And I really think it's more about not being "alone" than it is that there's actually more love to give.
It's her situation to deal with but I'm struggling for ways to reach her with the life experience I've already got. She's the little sister I never had, in ways that NG's other sisters aren't to me. I don't want to see her hurt, just like I don't want to see my brother hurt. And in this particular situation, because it mirrors the one I was in so closely (even in the guys' personalities!), I feel like I've got so much experience to share. Over the years I found the good in the situation instead of only focusing on the bad, and I hope to share that with her too when she's ready, but for right now I mostly just want to keep her from walking right back into a bad situation.
Please pray that I find the right way to handle this. And if anyone else has any wisdom to add to this, please, feel free to share.
Her boyfriend of about a year broke up with her about a week and a half ago. She's been absolutely devastated. I think the worst part of it is that he told her he needed "time off" but didn't fully break things off. In all seriousness I think he was trying to avoid doing the real "dirty work" of breaking up himself, hoping that either she'd get tired of being apart and do it herself or that eventually she'd just give up and move on. She's still in love with him and she keeps making excuses for him--his job has him so stressed, he just keeps bottling it up in order to spare her and he needs time to deal with it. He'll come back, he promised. He won't go with any other girls--he's had his heart broken before, he knows how badly it hurts, and he promised.
The problem for me is that over the last week he's already broken two promises he made to her. He quit smoking some time after they met and promised he wouldn't do it any more. He's started smoking again (even posted it on his MySpace) and he won't be attending her graduation tomorrow, despite promising her and even taking the day off work. Personally, I'm glad he won't be there tomorrow, because I don't want my husband getting arrested at a high school event (I'm afraid he'd whoop that boy for breaking his sister's heart) and I don't want H finding herself in a situation that is more painfully awkward than she's prepared to handle. But I think that these broken promises are only indicative of more to come, and unfortunately for H I don't think she realizes that once the relationship is over, all bets are off. His promises are no longer valid.
I'm afraid that by holding on to hope that she's going to find herself more hurt in the long run. We've all been there, we all know how hopeless the first weeks after a breakup can be, especially when it was our first serious relationship. But she just keeps waiting for him to call, keeps watching his MySpace for signs that he's changing his mind, and having been there, done that, I know she's only setting herself up for more disappointment.
Exactly six years ago I was in her situation. It took him until December but he called me back, like he promised, and we tried again. Sure enough, he broke up with me a second time for the same reason he did the first time. Nothing had changed and I opened myself up to getting hurt a second time when I really shouldn't have. It was a learning experience, sure, but it was one I could certainly have gotten by without. I would hate to see her go through what I went through that year, pining for him instead of truly moving on. Instead of making the following year about me, I let him set me up for a string of relationships I couldn't get truly involved in emotionally, and I think that in turn it set me up to make some bad decisions.
I've been there, done that. I'm trying my best to share with her the lessons it taught me, but I'm really afraid that she's putting herself in a position to where the only way she'll learn is the hard way. She's already said she thinks she'll get back together with him, and while that would be contingent on him calling her back it shows that she's willing to put aside his behavior and sacrifice her own feelings just to have a boyfriend. She says she knows there's still so much love between them, and I can't help but disagree--sometimes in relationships people do hurtful things, but when real love is there people don't do things intentionally to hurt the person they say they love. I believe that with all of my heart. And I really think it's more about not being "alone" than it is that there's actually more love to give.
It's her situation to deal with but I'm struggling for ways to reach her with the life experience I've already got. She's the little sister I never had, in ways that NG's other sisters aren't to me. I don't want to see her hurt, just like I don't want to see my brother hurt. And in this particular situation, because it mirrors the one I was in so closely (even in the guys' personalities!), I feel like I've got so much experience to share. Over the years I found the good in the situation instead of only focusing on the bad, and I hope to share that with her too when she's ready, but for right now I mostly just want to keep her from walking right back into a bad situation.
Please pray that I find the right way to handle this. And if anyone else has any wisdom to add to this, please, feel free to share.
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