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Mommy's little shutterbug. :)



Since I'm doing this 365 thing, I'm going to try my best to post a pic each day. But, I don't always have a lot to say... So other than maybe a couple sentences regarding the pic my 365 posts will probably just be pictures. If something goes on during the day or something I'll put it up either with my 365 or in a separate post.

Happy New Year

One of my friends is doing this 365 challenge thing, where you take a picture every day of the year and blog it. I thought, hey, that sounds like fun, and thought that I'd participate. So, here goes.



Some of the neighbors are setting off fireworks. I hate the noise the horrid things make, but they sure are pretty. This wasn't even a good fireworks pic, but there's just something about it that I love. But, for those who like more traditional pics of fireworks, I have one for you too.



2010 was a decent year. It had its ups and downs but I felt more stable than I have in years past--at least, until the last month or two.

2011 has promise as well. I need to see a couple docs about taking care of a few problems that have been ongoing and troublesome. Sweet'ums will be tested for autism and other things, trying to solve the language issue. Depending on what we find out about Sweet'ums other areas of our life might change too, but it remains to be seen.

Hopefully, there will be better health, more income, and more joy for everyone in the coming year. You folks stay safe out there and have a good one.

Merry Christmas

I wish everyone the happiest of holidays and a spectacular New Year.

We're holding our Christmas in the coming week because of my husband's work schedule and thanks to the fact that Sweet'ums and I both unexpectedly fell sick (each in our own way) I am, once again, spending Christmas mostly alone. It's ok--Sweet'ums doesn't have a clue and really, our little Christmas won't be until next week anyway, so I guess we're not really missing anything--our family togetherness event is just being postponed.

At any rate, that has left me alone with my thoughts. As you all are very well aware, me being left alone, unsupervised, with my thoughts is usually a bad thing, especially when things have been like they are.

For once, though, I've managed pretty well. I'm coping and coming to acceptance of the possibilities and generally, keeping it together. I'm doing all of the research I can and trying to formulate some kind of idea how this will impact us if, indeed, my daughter has some measure of autism.

The thing is, I believe everything will be okay, but life experiences have taught me that being okay doesn't always mean what we want it to. Sometimes it means things going back to normal or being like they were before. Other times it means adapting to change or realizing that things aren't quite what we thought they were or coming to a point where you can accept that your life is something other than normal.

I kind of got to thinking and I realized that NG and I were never really normal to begin with. How does it make sense that our child would anything but like us? We're weird. Our kid might be too. So what? Whether it's just a verbal/social delay or autism, she's still the same kid. She hasn't changed; all that has changed is our understanding of her. It doesn't bother me that she might not be just like everyone else. I never was and NG wasn't really either. I still believe, no matter what might be up with her, that we couldn't have hand-picked a child better suited for us.

So when I talk about possibilities, no, I'm not depressed. Scared, a little, that things might be worse than what we're prepared for, but what parent doesn't worry about those things to some extent? No, mostly I'm just trying to prepare myself for what's possible. I know in my heart that something's not quite right. That's not me being morbid, it's just me admitting what I feel. Is it autism? I don't know, but something in my gut says maybe so. They say that it seems to run in families, and also seems to have a connection to families who have manic depressive individuals in their ranks. There's a few adults in my family and my husband's who could potentially be either one of those things, but back even when I was a kid autism just wasn't something they tested for unless you were "slow" and manic depression wasn't something I'd even heard of until I was older, so I doubt "back in the day" it was something a doc would say Great Aunt Suzy had.

Sweet'ums is a fast learner, so I have no doubt of her actual intelligence. She's surrounded by love so I know she'll be ok, no matter what the problem is. All of us are weird in our own ways and honestly, some of the most brilliant people who have ever lived were socially incompetent. So I'm not worried about that. I do worry about helping her deal with people around her if she does have a problem, because people tend to be intolerant of even minor differences.

All in all, I know it'll be ok. Mostly I wrote all of this to sort through some of my own thoughts, so bear with me. I'm in a good place about it all now since I've had time to process it. We're still waiting to hear from the evaluation people so when that happens, I'll let everyone know.

Hope you all had a great Christmas and everything. I'll post pics of ours when we have it.

Not sure what to say

I had hoped that the doctor would tell me I was being paranoid, typical first-time-mom stuff since the third year is new territory for me.

I had hoped he'd tell me what I already know, that kids develop differently and "normal" for one isn't necessarily "normal" for another.

I'd hoped he'd say that he sees a lot of kids like her, quiet and shy but perfectly normal despite their desire not to chat with their parents.

Instead, he asked us a lot of questions, some of which we really didn't know how to answer. And, at the end of it all, he said that just from watching her he saw everything he needed to know.

When he first walked in, she covered her ears like she was expecting a loud noise or something scary. Then, she realized that it wasn't that kind of appointment. She played by herself, up and down the step stool, on the edge of the exam table and back down again. She watched him but said nothing. She laughed some and muttered to herself but showed no interest in what the grown-ups were talking about. She ignored her name being mentioned several times over in the course of the discussion and just played happily, off in her own little universe.

He said at the very least he thinks she's language delayed, and most likely socially delayed, and will need some group time and speech therapy to get caught up. But, it's also possible that it is a mild autism-spectrum problem. That by her age, even well-behaved children are interested in what the grown-ups are doing and if they hear their names mentioned they want to know what's being said, or they'll want Mom or Dad's attention for something, or they're at least curious about the doctor.

He's not the kind of doctor who throws around labels. When Nice Guy mentioned at her 3 year checkup that he thought she had an attention problem, the doctor said to keep an eye on it but that he was hesitant to suggest that a 3 year old had an attention issue--after all, they're 3. He's careful about medications and has given Sweet'ums antibiotics on only one occasion, after over-the-counter solutions had failed. And I really, truly do not believe he would have brought up autism casually--he's not the kind to cause unnecessary worry and if it was only a remote possibility I think he would have left it to the people doing the evaluation to mention it instead of bringing it up himself. To me, it seems he saw something that made him feel it was best to go ahead and bring it up. He gave us the phone number of the local office for the state folks who do the evaluations for this. We've already called, and we're waiting for a call back.

So I came home and called Mom to let her know what was going on, since she was like me and was starting to feel like something wasn't right. After I got done telling her everything, she had news for me: my uncle (the one who has been sick) died sometime during the night. He simply didn't wake up this morning.

It has been a long, tiring day. I don't know what to think or feel and despite all of my attempts to see the positive side of things, my heart can't help but break a little. It's the culmination of about two months of feeling like the rug was being pulled out from under my feet in slow motion. And somehow, it continues. I'm trying so hard to keep a little ray of sunshine in my mind but I still feel like maybe I did something wrong. Like I'm still paying a lifetime of penance for a handful of wrongs. Like maybe I failed somehow as a mother.

I've done good so far today keeping my chin up. This darkness has got to be the exhaustion talking (I hardly slept last night).

Ali, please don't say anything about Sweet'ums to family until I know more about what's going on. No sense in getting anyone riled up if there turns out to be nothing really wrong. Love ya, girlie.

So, this is Christmas for me. What a week (and it's only Monday).

All Cookied Out

So I've spent the better part of last night and today baking and cooking. No-bake cookies, chocolate and white chocolate covered pretzels, sugar cookies, buttermilk pies. Tomorrow it'll be little smokies in blankets lol.

So here's the deal: My MIL is having her kids over for a Christmas party and, just like the last couple years, I'm doing the pigs in blankets that his family loves so much. Why do they like mine so much? Because I get the beef smokies instead of the regular ones (because my gut has expensive tastes), and I actually take the time to do them in the little crescents instead of stuffing them into biscuit balls. My MIL also special requested a buttermilk pie since last year my SIL disappeared with the last slice and MIL didn't get any. Oh, how they fought over that pie. The only problems: This adds up to be quite an expense (have you LOOKED at the price of pecans lately???) and a LOT of cooking.

On top of it, we thought it would be a good idea to do a gift for Sweet'ums' gymnastics teacher. This is great, right? Mom suggested cookies since Teacher has several kids. Fun stuff. So I bake. And I cook. And I bake some more. We got a little Christmas-tree shaped cookie jar from Walmart and I filled it with the tasties that I spent my day making. We'll see tomorrow how well it goes over, but I'm pretty happy with it.

In other news, I get to see my best friend tomorrow! I haven't seen her in... I dunno, more than a year I think. I miss her like crazy. She'll be shipping out soon and will be gone for another year. It's just really sad to realize that you've known your best friend longer as a long-distance friend than you have as a normal friend. Six years vs. three years. I'm a little scared that it might be weird. I dunno.

Tomorrow we're also seeing Sweet'ums' doctor about her speech. She talks but not very often is it directly to anyone. She doesn't ask questions or tell stories like kids this age usually do. She doesn't ask for things--she usually just points and yells. Actually, the yelling is a big part of why I haven't been around much--between all the yelling and this just being a hectic time of year, my nerves are shot. So tomorrow we see whether the doctor thinks she's just being a butthead or if something's actually wrong.

That's another thing, too. Lately I've had what seems to be a series of panic attacks. I had one that was pretty scary for me, and then every time I go to the store anymore I get hot and my face turns red and I start to sweat and feel sick. Maybe it's not panic attacks, I dunno. But I promised NG that I'd see the doctor about it once our new insurance kicks in a few weeks after the first of the year.

So that's it. And I leave you with a pic of my baby doing the balance beam. :)


I'm a proud mama. Can't you tell? Oh, and that's Teacher in the background. :)

It's that time of year again

Well, Christmas is almost here. And if my kid keeps up like she has been, Santa's going to be giving her enough coal to open her own mine.

That's the primary reason I haven't been around. I'm so worn out and emotionally dragged through the mud dealing with Sweet'ums right now that I can barely get through a day. She's got NG and I so wound up that now we're arguing with each other even though we each know the other isn't really the problem. And I'm not blaming Sweet'ums--it's probably a phase, or maybe we're misunderstanding her somehow and she's frustrated that she can't make us understand. I dunno. But it's really wearing me down, and it's been hard.

In other (less negative) news, I have a new camera. It's an Olympus SP-600UZ. I'm absolutely in love with it. I got it early because (if Sweet'ums behaves) she's supposed to be in a Christmas play and I really wanted to get some good pics of her. It's already way better than my old one inside the house (my old one distorted the color really badly) and I can't wait to use it outdoors.

That's all I've got for right now but soon I'll post some pictures and a real update. Hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season!

Gift from my friend Angel

I'm around, but having a rough week. I'll be back though!

In the meantime, I want to show you something my friend Angel made for me a little bit ago. I kept meaning to post it but then I'd forget to.

Isn't that pretty? I love it! Thank you, Angel. I'm sorry I haven't posted it sooner! One day when I'm not half-asleep I'm going to see about playing with coding and seeing if I can make it a little link thingie. Apologies for not making more sense... Off to bed now!