Better, but not

 First of all, I want to apologize for the novel I'm about to write. If you have children, a spouse, or a life you'd like to get back to sometime before the end of the year, I'd advise skipping this post entirely.

And now, onwards...

In some ways I'm feeling better than I was the other night. I think a lot of it is just that I bottle up my emotions when Sweet'ums is home and when she's gone everything I feel comes bubbling out. So right now things are okay... Come Saturday night, when she's with my mom, things might be different.

I talked to Nice Guy about everything. Fortunately he cares and he seemed genuinely surprised that I was that bad off. I mean, he knew I was really struggling, but didn't seem to notice the whole quiet-desperation-thing going on. He wants to help me feel better, fix things, whatever. I appreciate that. He even says that he understands my feelings and the problem isn't all in my head.

What's frustrating me right now is that we are exactly back to where we were the last time I bared my heart to him about how things weren't where they should be. Basically, I do the foot work of trying to figure out how to fix things, he shoots down the ideas of whomever I've just read as being silly or nit-picky or something, then he makes some kind of pittance offer about something to do that he deems to be romantic (or something, who knows what's going through his head).

Example: I found this article while browsing AOL news today. I told him about it and said I thought she made some good points and maybe it was worth a shot. So, after doing our running around this evening we got back home and I read the points to him. He was all for numbers 1, 4, and 6. Now #4 is no biggie for us. I've mentioned before that one of our projects last year to help us with our relationship was to start a book of things we love about each other. We hit the one year mark back in August and we're averaging an entry a day (which translates to us alternating days), but I don't remember exactly how many we managed. To me, #4 was just a version of what we were already doing. #6 was pretty standard advice that you'd get from any number of relationship counselors, sex therapists, or elderly, still-head-over-heals couples. Again, no biggie, as long as you have a lock on your bedroom door to prevent mishaps involving an autistic four year old and one of you doesn't work ridiculous hours thanks to shift work. Oh, and if you're not both like 60lbs overweight. That too. #1 makes some good points and it's all about taking responsibility for yourself and how you react and how you feel and helping your partner know what to do.

Numbers 2, 3, and 5 he had a problem with. #2 is all about intimacy, communication, and ongoing relationship improvement. #3 is about admitting what gets you going and acknowledging that you and your partner aren't carbon copies of each other. #5 is about accountability, in my mind--no lying about who you're with or what you're doing, and if you're honest about what you're up to there's no need for the other party to get defensive or suspicious. These three he has a problem with. #3 I can kind of see his point--I'm not quite sure why she put that in there if she wasn't going to elaborate on what to do with the information. Are we supposed to indulge each other's desires even if we're not into it? Is it just about knowing each other's interests and not judging? Huh? His problem with #5 didn't make much sense to me--it's something we do anyway, something we've always done, but he interpreted her putting it in writing as being "up her husband's butt" and unnecessary. So if it's something we're already doing, and he's fine with it in that context, why have an issue with someone else saying it's important to be able to do in a relationship? The one that really annoyed me that he tried shooting down, though, was #2. He said that it was nonsense, basically, that it was too many questions and the vow revisiting thing was too much and nit-picky and pointless.

You know what I noticed, though? Numbers 1, 4, and 6 were driven by personal responsibility, knowing yourself, and pushing yourself. Numbers 2, 3, and 5 were about being honest and intimate with each other. Group A, the group he liked, was the group of things I can do for myself. Group B was the group of things that would require him to actually put some effort into things too, particularly #2, the one he disliked the most.

His consolation prize for not being all into this? "Hey, is there a movie or something you want to watch?" After I said no, not really, and we sat here for a while not really talking about much, he decided he was going to bed. He came back out a few minutes later and asked if I wanted to talk, but by that point I was pretty perturbed and, to be honest, a little hurt, and told him no, just to go on to bed.

Which leaves me exactly where I was last time we had that kind of talk. I pour my heart out, he pours out his, he seems honestly shocked that I'm THAT upset about something, he promises to try harder and pay more attention, and then when I start making suggestions they get shot down. Eventually he forgets all about trying harder and things slip a little further downhill so that next time I have a meltdown, we're even further from the solution. And me, I just get more and more despondent and give up, instead of trying to work on things on my end like I should.

So at the end of the night, I'm aggravated. I feel like things are never going to improve and maybe I should just tell him not to bother, that we should just give up and find a lawyer and go be miserable each in our own places. He's bored--he admits it freely--so maybe I should just turn him loose to go get his own apartment where he can play his video games all day and goof off with his cousin on their off days. And I can be lonely and unappreciated with or without him--I'm already getting good at it.

No, we're not splitting up... At least, I don't think so. This is probably just a rough patch that I'll have forgotten all about the moment Sweet'ums stops stressing me out and I have a way to get out of the house once in a while.

I'm going to go update the Froggy Blog really quick on something that I realized about Sweet'ums. I understand if you're not interested after such a long post... At any rate, if you're still here, I hope you have a good night and I appreciate you actually sticking with it. I'm going to try to find something positive to say soon.