Three and a half

One week ago, something I feel is kind of special happened. We hit our 3 and a half year anniversary on July 22nd, and it's pretty exciting.

For starters, most of my married friends (as in, the ones who are our age) are already divorcing. It's scary, and it definitely serves as a reminder about how fragile relationships can be when there's too many strikes against them, but it also encourages me too. We're beating the odds. Every day that we make it, and stick together, we're putting more and more distance between ourselves and the statistics. And every day that we make it we learn a little more about how to make tomorrow a little easier.

The biggest stress factor in our lives right now is money. It's no surprise--these days, that's everyone's biggest problem. Unfortunately, that stress factor isn't going anywhere anytime soon, so we're trying to learn to live with it. No amount of money can fix a bad relationship, and if a relationship is truly sound then money shouldn't be able to hurt it, either. And I could be wrong, and I could come on here a month from now and say we're filing for divorce, but I think we have a pretty good relationship.

We come from two different childhoods and I think that is part of what helps us work things out. I came from a family where my parents didn't fight. They hardly even raise their voices at each other, and we NEVER heard them arguing. They disagree, and we saw that often, but my parents just don't fight. So to me, married people shouldn't just bicker and argue and fuss at each other, and they most certainly shouldn't carry on at each other in front of their kids. So much of my childhood was unstable, but the one thing I knew I could count on was the relationship between my parents. I want my daughter to have the same stability. Nice Guy, on the other hand, came from a childhood where every day was an adventure in marital discord. His early years were peaceful, but with every child his parents added to the family, the worse they fought. Money got tighter and tighter, and tension got worse and worse. To him, fighting is no big deal, but the instability messed him up in a lot of ways. He can see just how badly it hurt him to watch his mom and dad act that way for so long, and he wants to do better by our family. So even though we argue, and even though we don't always get along, we both know how important it is to resolve problems in a more mature and reasonable way than fighting. Sometimes a good argument is necessary for getting feelings out in the open, but it should never just be left sitting there, unresolved, and we try our best to never go to bed angry.

We have about another three and a half years to go before we hit the next major milestone for divorce rate reduction. I think we'll make it. :)

The weird thing is that we've been married for three and a half years (three years, six months, and one week, to be exact) and we've spent nearly two of it with our daughter. When we celebrate our 25th anniversary, I'll be 44 years old, and my daughter will be 23. It makes me feel so young and old all at the same time, to think about time that way.

Anyway, those are my rambling thoughts for today. Hope everyone's doing alright!

Taking Shape

One room at a time, my house is finally taking shape. We've been focusing on Sweet'ums' room because she's old enough now that she really enjoys being in her room, and until recently we used a large section of her room for storage. Now, only her closet is used for storage (because I converted an old cabinet into a small armoire/wardrobe thing) and I'm working on turning her room into the comfy, pretty space I'd envisioned.

We held off for a long time on doing anything because we really weren't sure we'd be staying in this house for too long. We didn't want to put a lot of money, time, and energy into fixing it up if this wasn't a permanent arrangement. Now it seems like this is actually going to be a long-term thing, and we're trying really hard to make it a place where Sweet'ums is happy and where she'd be proud to bring friends home.

So now, all that's left is to paint the walls (I found a nice soft rose color that would be easy to match with most girly bedspreads) and rearrange her furniture (which has to wait until I get rid of the old TV that's taking up space in her room). I'm thinking about staining her dresser (a kind of blonde colored wood) to match her bed (something rather dark, a cherry or mahogany color) and maybe painting her armoire to match the color the walls will be. I've also got an old bedside table that might make a nice small bookcase that matches the armoire, so I might paint it too (they're particle board, so they can't really be stained to match the rest of the furniture). And I've got an old recliner in her room that I want to get a slip cover for and incorporate into the rest of the decorations. Throw in a nice bedspread and matching curtains, and we're all set.

The batteries in my camera are dead right now so pictures will have to wait. As soon as I find replacements, I'll post pictures and see if anyone has any input for what I should do with it.

This is getting ridiculous

Last night, someone hacked my Paypal account. Luckily I got it straightened up, but not before I BURNED myself while trying to make soup for my husband, who wasn't feeling so well.

I'm beginning to think someone's got my number, you know? I'm a hazard to be around.

On the other hand, I've got some really good recipes now and assuming that I don't hurt myself even worse in the process of baking, I found recipes for the muffins made at one of my favorite restaurants. I can't wait to make them. Again, assuming I don't manage to kill myself somehow.

Tomorrow, (assuming I don't kill myself while baking muffins!) I hope to go out with a girlfriend of mine. It'll be nice to get out for a bit without the hubby, or baby, or Mom.

Not sure

I had my ultrasound today. The tech couldn't go over the results with us but NG watched as she typed up the report, and said that items like the cervix and uterine lining and such are good, according to the boxes she checked and everything. But she took an awful lot of pictures, and a ton of measurements. Her whole demeanor indicated that she saw something that she just wasn't allowed to point out.

I hate this feeling that they know something they aren't telling me. I hate that I have to wait two weeks to find out what's in those pictures.

Nerves

Tomorrow I go in for an ultrasound to try to find the source of some problems I have been having. I'm kind of scared. I'm not sure what to expect. I mean, I've had ultrasounds before, but always for the wonderful reason of being pregnant--never something serious.
So that's my day tomorrow. I probably won't know anything for two weeks, but once I know something I'll post it.

Sadness

One of my best friends and her husband found out a few weeks ago that after seven months of trying, they were finally pregnant. They were ecstatic--this would be their first child.

Yesterday, they found out that they'd miscarried. She was 8 weeks along.

It's really sad. I didn't have any words of wisdom. All I could do was give her a hug and tell her we love them and we're here if they need us.

Shit happens. Sometimes there's just nothing you can do to make it better.

To Be Honest (or, "Baring My Heart")

In light of recent events on the blog of a friend, I've been thinking. I open my mouth too quickly, don't always think through what I say, and even though I most always mean what I say, I don't always mean it the way it comes across. Actually, usually I don't. And for that, I'm deeply sorry.

I also wish, sometimes, that people had more empathy. Sometimes folks don't know what it's like to live on the other side of things, so it's impossible for them to understand why someone should take offense to having it poked at. (I don't mean you, Dear-Friend-Who-Knows-Who-She-Is, but rather some of the girls who commented, and people I've known through the years who are like them)

My whole life we've been lower-middle class. My brother and I didn't have a lot of stuff and what nice things we did have came at huge expense to my family. The handful of nice things that I have, even now, are mine because someone who loves me sacrificed a great deal for me to have them. Nothing came easy for us, and we've always had to work for everything we've had. I realize, in hindsight, that I've griped about it a lot at times, but I'd like to change that. However, I don't see any reason to not simply state it as long as I'm only saying it as a fact.

I have a Vera Bradley purse. It cost us $56 and was a Valentine's Day gift from my husband. He spent money on me that he shouldn't have and even now, I feel guilty for having it. I got a Journey necklace for Christmas a couple years ago from my husband and I feel guilty for that too, because he had to ask my dad to help him get it. It was a blow to his pride that he couldn't afford anything nice for me for Christmas but he was willing to ask my dad for help... I think that was an even greater sacrifice than the financial side, and at the time my parents really couldn't afford it either, but my dad did what he could. I cried when they gave it to me and I cry even now thinking about it, because it cost them both so much.

We have so much, compared to a lot of people, and I'm so very thankful. Even without our "stuff" we still have each other and I'm so happy to have a little girl who tries to comfort her mommy during thunderstorms and a husband who makes tea for me when he knows I've had a long day. And yet, I feel sorry for myself so often, and I wallow more often than I'd like to admit. I feel guilty for not working, because it would make life so much easier on my Nice Guy. I feel guilty that we can't afford to dress nicer and that even if we could, where would we go? I feel guilty that I can't send Sweet'ums to a private school and I might not even be able to send her to a decent public school, for that matter. I feel guilty because I feel like I've shortchanged my family, and I have no idea where to even begin to fix it.

But you know, I think most of all I feel guilty because sometimes I resent those people who don't have those problems. Some of them are thankful for what they have; some of them aren't. Some of them don't even realize how good they have it, and even so I'm kind of glad for them because it really sucks to live paycheck to paycheck. No matter how spoiled some kids are, you can't help but be kind of glad they didn't have to worry about their parents' finances growing up. Because I know that for as much as I resent people sometimes for not having those problems, I really don't want those problems either. Why would I want someone else to have them or wish them on someone else's child?

As much as I hate it, it looks like Sweet'ums will probably face a lot of the stuff I did growing up. That's one reason of many why we decided to stop at one--so we can afford to do better for her than our parents did for us. But I doubt she'll have name-brand jeans, or a nice house to bring her friends to (just our cozy little MH), or a brand-new car at 16. She'll probably have to answer the phone sometimes when bill collectors call, at least until we get things under control again. She'll probably have to deal with the mean girls in high school who look down on her for not wearing the latest fashions (I dealt with that one enough, but really, who hasn't at one time or another?) and her biggest crush overlooking her in favor of the popular girls. But hopefully she'll be a better person for it. And hopefully, she won't grow up with my same brand of resentment, because all it does it make you bitter and miserable. Hopefully I'll be able to overcome my issues before she gets old enough for me to pass them on to her.

It's definitely a sore spot for me. I shouldn't jump like I do when people start on fashion and the like, but you know me--opening my mouth before I've really thought it through. But I'm going to try to be better, I promise, and I really am sorry for being so sensitive about it.