To Be Honest (or, "Baring My Heart")

In light of recent events on the blog of a friend, I've been thinking. I open my mouth too quickly, don't always think through what I say, and even though I most always mean what I say, I don't always mean it the way it comes across. Actually, usually I don't. And for that, I'm deeply sorry.

I also wish, sometimes, that people had more empathy. Sometimes folks don't know what it's like to live on the other side of things, so it's impossible for them to understand why someone should take offense to having it poked at. (I don't mean you, Dear-Friend-Who-Knows-Who-She-Is, but rather some of the girls who commented, and people I've known through the years who are like them)

My whole life we've been lower-middle class. My brother and I didn't have a lot of stuff and what nice things we did have came at huge expense to my family. The handful of nice things that I have, even now, are mine because someone who loves me sacrificed a great deal for me to have them. Nothing came easy for us, and we've always had to work for everything we've had. I realize, in hindsight, that I've griped about it a lot at times, but I'd like to change that. However, I don't see any reason to not simply state it as long as I'm only saying it as a fact.

I have a Vera Bradley purse. It cost us $56 and was a Valentine's Day gift from my husband. He spent money on me that he shouldn't have and even now, I feel guilty for having it. I got a Journey necklace for Christmas a couple years ago from my husband and I feel guilty for that too, because he had to ask my dad to help him get it. It was a blow to his pride that he couldn't afford anything nice for me for Christmas but he was willing to ask my dad for help... I think that was an even greater sacrifice than the financial side, and at the time my parents really couldn't afford it either, but my dad did what he could. I cried when they gave it to me and I cry even now thinking about it, because it cost them both so much.

We have so much, compared to a lot of people, and I'm so very thankful. Even without our "stuff" we still have each other and I'm so happy to have a little girl who tries to comfort her mommy during thunderstorms and a husband who makes tea for me when he knows I've had a long day. And yet, I feel sorry for myself so often, and I wallow more often than I'd like to admit. I feel guilty for not working, because it would make life so much easier on my Nice Guy. I feel guilty that we can't afford to dress nicer and that even if we could, where would we go? I feel guilty that I can't send Sweet'ums to a private school and I might not even be able to send her to a decent public school, for that matter. I feel guilty because I feel like I've shortchanged my family, and I have no idea where to even begin to fix it.

But you know, I think most of all I feel guilty because sometimes I resent those people who don't have those problems. Some of them are thankful for what they have; some of them aren't. Some of them don't even realize how good they have it, and even so I'm kind of glad for them because it really sucks to live paycheck to paycheck. No matter how spoiled some kids are, you can't help but be kind of glad they didn't have to worry about their parents' finances growing up. Because I know that for as much as I resent people sometimes for not having those problems, I really don't want those problems either. Why would I want someone else to have them or wish them on someone else's child?

As much as I hate it, it looks like Sweet'ums will probably face a lot of the stuff I did growing up. That's one reason of many why we decided to stop at one--so we can afford to do better for her than our parents did for us. But I doubt she'll have name-brand jeans, or a nice house to bring her friends to (just our cozy little MH), or a brand-new car at 16. She'll probably have to answer the phone sometimes when bill collectors call, at least until we get things under control again. She'll probably have to deal with the mean girls in high school who look down on her for not wearing the latest fashions (I dealt with that one enough, but really, who hasn't at one time or another?) and her biggest crush overlooking her in favor of the popular girls. But hopefully she'll be a better person for it. And hopefully, she won't grow up with my same brand of resentment, because all it does it make you bitter and miserable. Hopefully I'll be able to overcome my issues before she gets old enough for me to pass them on to her.

It's definitely a sore spot for me. I shouldn't jump like I do when people start on fashion and the like, but you know me--opening my mouth before I've really thought it through. But I'm going to try to be better, I promise, and I really am sorry for being so sensitive about it.