Back and Forth

Disclaimer: This is in no way intended to make anybody feel bad for having good news. Libbie, I'm absolutely tickled pink for your family!


I didn't post this yesterday because I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Part of me, the part that wants what it wants for no better reason than I'm female and this is what I'm supposed to want, wants to cry. The part of me that half expected this, that feels foolish for thinking maybe something had changed, wants to laugh.

Nice Guy changed his mind on me. Day before yesterday he was giving me a hundred and one reasons why we should have another baby, and yesterday he gave me a hundred and one (most of them mine!) why we should stick to just one.

I guess I'm just tired of the back-and-forth. I'm the planner type, the type who likes to know what the future holds for me and what to expect. I don't like when big plans change from day to day. I mean, I understand that things happen and nothing is ever completely set in stone, but I like predictability. And once something is decided I don't like to keep altering it.

I felt foolish enough for making my decision because I've been so firm on the whole let's-stop-at-one thing. I was never one who liked being fickle, though I know I probably am more than I should be. Now I feel even more foolish having to say that I might be back at square one again. I was always one who cried when I felt foolish. I even feel stupid for bothering to make that post the other day.

I guess maybe I'm just tired of being the responsible one. Anytime some mess happens in the family, we're the first ones they call. Now that I'm grown my mom uses me for support a lot, and it's not that I mind, but if I were to pull half the nonsense that my brother or my cousins or uncles or whoever does, I'd get the third degree--not her support or help. My whole life, if I stepped one foot out of line I heard all about it. The two or three things I've ever done in my life for myself without anyone's permission are things that still get held over my head. I was raised to be the responsible one. Nice Guy was too, for the most part--if anyone in his family does anything stupid or gets into trouble he is the first person they call to fix it. You don't know how many times my SIL has crashed on my couch to get away from some conflict with their mom.

The long story short of all of that is, part of our reason for stopping at one was to be responsible. To avoid straining the finances, leave some flexibility in our lives if his job fell through on us or in case of other big catastrophe, to have a home big enough in case a family member needed help (my parents growing old almost as fast as Sweet'ums is growing up!). So it leaves me wondering why I have to be the responsible one all the time. Can't someone else hold down the fort for a while? NG already gave up an opportunity for a college education so that he could make sure his sisters were provided for (something his parents should have been more than capable of handling). Why is it that we are supposed to limit our lives for the convenience of everyone else?

We're the metaphorical designated drivers, but maybe I'd like to be the one drinking in life for a change.

I know every family has someone in our capacity--my parents always did it for my family, both sides, and once they can't do it anymore it'll be us--but it just seems like so much of what we want gets pushed to the side in the name of stability. And I'll do what I always do--exactly what's expected of me--but the young person in my head says that it's awful crazy to do our family planning based on all of the "what can go wrong" possibilities instead of what we want. And the woman in me just can't get a grip on the fact that at 21 years old I held the only newborn that would ever really be mine.

I know what my heart wants, even if it's not the sensible or responsible or practical thing. I'm still going to try losing the weight just in case NG changes his mind yet again. Just don't hold your breath next year for any happy announcements. I have a feeling that things are what they are and probably won't be changing.