Growing up

Today I did something I might never get to do again.

Let me start at the beginning. The other night we put Sweet'ums to bed and we had hardly made it down the hallway before she was banging on her bedroom door, screaming for us. So I went back, rocked her for what seemed like ages, and she cuddled against me with a blanket over her head and a flashlight in her hand.

Later I swapped places with her daddy, who decided to try to talk to her. Half an hour later, he called me in to tell me he'd figured out the problem.

To start with he had Sweet'ums lay down on her bed and in her unique way she asked him to make a "[Sweet'ums] House" and get in it with her. He asked her what it was so she showed him. She pulled the blanket over their heads and held onto her little flashlight. Then he asked her why she was afraid. She started flickering the flashlight on and then off. Poor kid is afraid of the dark.

So before she went to visit my mom and dad we installed a new ceiling fan for her with a dimmer switch so we could leave a dim light on for her at night. Then, over the course of this weekend, we've gradually made some changes in the interest of making bedtimes easier.

So today, on this day of love, I dismantled what was my baby's crib and then toddler bed so I could put it together as its final stage, a full bed. It was bittersweet, because even though she's healthy and growing it kills me to pack away those reminders of her baby phases. I cried. So many nights I've leaned against that thing, sitting on the floor trying to rock her back to sleep.

I thought about how I put it together all by myself when I was seven or eight months pregnant because I was mad at Nice Guy. I thought about all the nights we leaned over the railing soothing a baby back to sleep, how many times I've had to half-dismantle the thing to lower the mattress, and finally taking off the front to turn it into a daybed just after she turned 2. How hard it was watching her adjust to a "big girl bed" and realizing how fast she was growing up, even though she was still just a little one.

Tonight we tucked her into her "new" big bed and even though she's still mad at us for leaving her in there (not scared tonight, though, as far as I can tell) she's embarking on a new phase. I'm at a point in life where it seems like time is just flying past me and it's a tad bit overwhelming.

And I just keep thinking how sad it makes me that I might never do that again. This might be the last time I rebuild a bed for a baby of mine. Bittersweet stuff.

I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again: Growing up is hard for a mom to do.