Trying to keep growing

Around the new year, I borrowed an idea from someone whose blog I read regularly, who borrowed the idea from someone else, about how to approach the New Year. Instead of a resolution, this person proposed that blog writers should adopt a word or idea for the new year, and try to incorporate the idea into their everyday life. I chose "growth".

Since then, a lot has changed. At the time I wrote the initial blog, we were still anticipating having more children and didn't really see too many reasons not to. Nice Guy was on day shift, and though money was tight our unexpected bills hadn't popped up yet and we were mostly snug-but-comfy in our finances, having finally learned to live with what we had. Our hope for the new year was that we'd have a quiet one, something that would follow something along the lines of what most folks consider "normal".

Now, we know I have PCOS, that I'm insulin resistant, and it looks like I have rheumatoid arthritis. I'm ready to work, but the economy locally is crap, to put it bluntly, and I'm not well-suited for most of the jobs that are available (not that that's going to stop me, because I still plan to apply as soon as I have our second car running again). We've been pre-approved for a mortgage but we're afraid to take the leap until we're a little more settled financially. We're facing some big decisions in the next few months that I don't even begin to know how to approach, and it's all really quite overwhelming sometimes.

To be honest, I'm not sure how well I've stuck to my New Year theme. I've done some wallowing, which is pretty much the opposite of what I was striving for this year. I still cling to Sweet'ums' long-gone babyhood, though she makes it impossible to not also embrace and adore the big girl she's becoming. I'm petty, and I still have issues keeping my mouth shut when I know I shouldn't open it, and I still forget to consider how things will come out before I just blurt them. I still get bogged down in how things are, instead of keeping my chin up and looking for ways to improve things. I'm still trying to accept all of the health stuff, and trying to figure out how to piece it all together and improve my health and weight and wellbeing in a way that won't do me more harm than good. I still get lonely and sad, and I tend to eat when I'm lonely and sad, and that completely defeats the purpose of trying to lose weight. I'm spinning my wheels on so many things.

I've done some growing, even if not as much as I'd hoped to by now. In its own way the health stuff has forced me to take a much more serious look at my life and what condition I want myself to be in, and though I'm still trying to get a grip on my lifestyle it's definitely matured my outlook on health in general. I'm not staying depressed like I was, and that was one of my goals for the year. Actually, since all the health stuff has happened, I've stayed in much better spirits, although I can't think of a good reason why. I'm learning to appreciate my husband and daughter more, to nag them less, and to value them each for all of the little quirks and special things that make them who they are. Lately I've begun to realize just how incredibly blessed I am to have Nice Guy as my husband, because he has gone out of his way to help me and lift me up and bear my burdens with me, and I can't even express at this moment how thankful I am for him. I've always loved and valued him, but I think that's one area I've grown a lot in--I'm learning to appreciate him in ways I never thought possible.

I know this post has been a little bit of a rambling one, but it's been on my mind for a few days now, with my birthday coming up and me evaluating a lot about how much my life has changed, changing me with it, in the last two or three years. The year's not over yet, so I'm not discouraged, but I'll definitely admit, I haven't made the progress I'd hoped for.

Oh, and thanks, Christina, for posting the idea at New Year's. It certainly has been better than a resolution and it's been on my mind more, and even though I haven't come as far as I'd hoped, I've done better than I would have with a resolution!