My SIL (the middle of my hubby's three sisters) graduates tomorrow. Sadly, someone she loves dearly won't be there for her, and he doesn't even know what he's missing.
Her boyfriend of about a year broke up with her about a week and a half ago. She's been absolutely devastated. I think the worst part of it is that he told her he needed "time off" but didn't fully break things off. In all seriousness I think he was trying to avoid doing the real "dirty work" of breaking up himself, hoping that either she'd get tired of being apart and do it herself or that eventually she'd just give up and move on. She's still in love with him and she keeps making excuses for him--his job has him so stressed, he just keeps bottling it up in order to spare her and he needs time to deal with it. He'll come back, he promised. He won't go with any other girls--he's had his heart broken before, he knows how badly it hurts, and he promised.
The problem for me is that over the last week he's already broken two promises he made to her. He quit smoking some time after they met and promised he wouldn't do it any more. He's started smoking again (even posted it on his MySpace) and he won't be attending her graduation tomorrow, despite promising her and even taking the day off work. Personally, I'm glad he won't be there tomorrow, because I don't want my husband getting arrested at a high school event (I'm afraid he'd whoop that boy for breaking his sister's heart) and I don't want H finding herself in a situation that is more painfully awkward than she's prepared to handle. But I think that these broken promises are only indicative of more to come, and unfortunately for H I don't think she realizes that once the relationship is over, all bets are off. His promises are no longer valid.
I'm afraid that by holding on to hope that she's going to find herself more hurt in the long run. We've all been there, we all know how hopeless the first weeks after a breakup can be, especially when it was our first serious relationship. But she just keeps waiting for him to call, keeps watching his MySpace for signs that he's changing his mind, and having been there, done that, I know she's only setting herself up for more disappointment.
Exactly six years ago I was in her situation. It took him until December but he called me back, like he promised, and we tried again. Sure enough, he broke up with me a second time for the same reason he did the first time. Nothing had changed and I opened myself up to getting hurt a second time when I really shouldn't have. It was a learning experience, sure, but it was one I could certainly have gotten by without. I would hate to see her go through what I went through that year, pining for him instead of truly moving on. Instead of making the following year about me, I let him set me up for a string of relationships I couldn't get truly involved in emotionally, and I think that in turn it set me up to make some bad decisions.
I've been there, done that. I'm trying my best to share with her the lessons it taught me, but I'm really afraid that she's putting herself in a position to where the only way she'll learn is the hard way. She's already said she thinks she'll get back together with him, and while that would be contingent on him calling her back it shows that she's willing to put aside his behavior and sacrifice her own feelings just to have a boyfriend. She says she knows there's still so much love between them, and I can't help but disagree--sometimes in relationships people do hurtful things, but when real love is there people don't do things intentionally to hurt the person they say they love. I believe that with all of my heart. And I really think it's more about not being "alone" than it is that there's actually more love to give.
It's her situation to deal with but I'm struggling for ways to reach her with the life experience I've already got. She's the little sister I never had, in ways that NG's other sisters aren't to me. I don't want to see her hurt, just like I don't want to see my brother hurt. And in this particular situation, because it mirrors the one I was in so closely (even in the guys' personalities!), I feel like I've got so much experience to share. Over the years I found the good in the situation instead of only focusing on the bad, and I hope to share that with her too when she's ready, but for right now I mostly just want to keep her from walking right back into a bad situation.
Please pray that I find the right way to handle this. And if anyone else has any wisdom to add to this, please, feel free to share.
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2 comments:
Oh, I've been there, too, Victoria! One guy in college completely broke my heart, but strung me along for months afterwards. But I allowed it. And later, I realized I was more mad at MYSELF for not moving on than I was at him. I think it can be a self-esteem issue (no one else will love me!) -- at least it was in my case.
I'll say a prayer you'll find an opportunity to talk to your SIL... unfortunately, she probably won't listen unless her heart is open to your advice. And it may take her a little time to get to that point. (My friends tried to talk to me and I didn't listen either until I was ready).
Praying for you to have the right words to say. Just share from your heart.
Some of us do have to learn on a bumpy road though, so be there for here if she hits another pothole! You have such a sweet heart!
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