The Countdown's On

Now it's less than a week until Sweet'ums' IEP meeting. Part of the reason I've been away for a while is we're trying so hard to do things together as a family when NG's off work since we might not get to as much once she's in classes. It's overwhelming to think about and it actually makes me a little lightheaded to consider just how much my life will be changing in such a short period of time.

I'm also a little bit of an emotional mess for other assorted reasons. Today NG told me he thought he heard kittens outside so I went to look. This little stray cat that hangs around had a hold of a bird and when she saw me she dropped it. The bird seemed like it might survive--it was bleeding but didn't have any of the normal signs of internal trauma (like bleeding from the nose, etc). We managed to scoop it up in to a box and gave it some bread and water until my mom could come get it and see what she could do. When she finally finished doing what she had to do she called me to see how the little bird had fared. I went to check on it and unfortunately it had died. Now I feel absolutely awful--I hate that the little bird lingered and I hate even more that I couldn't help her after chasing the cat away from a meal. And yes, I'm the loser that, even as an adult, still cries over little lost birds. I just wanted to help and instead the cat went without her meal and the bird still died.

I guess it just makes me feel like no matter how hard I try I can't fix anything.

Today was a good day mostly. I don't know why I feel so gloomy. I just miss having someone to sit and cry with. It's been so long. Once upon a time I had a couple friends around whom I'd just melt into tears when things like this happened. I don't have anyone like that anymore, really, except for NG. And Sweet'ums, but she thinks Mommy's crazy for just sniffling all the time.

She's growing into such a kid. We're teaching her to pray and NG made the mistake of telling her to say Grace. You can imagine what she did. And we've become quite taken with a song called "Little Bird, Little Bird" and when I was trying to sing her to sleep tonight she kept singing along. She loves the word "chickadee" and I think it's because her gym teacher calls her that. Sweet'ums lets herself get picked on without fighting back and she's so precious when there's things like bugs and flowers to investigate.

I already feel like my days are empty and she hasn't even started school yet.

A moment to celebrate

I try not to say much about politics or world events here. Once in a while I can't help myself but typically I keep things pretty neutral around here.

I also know we're not supposed to rejoice in another's suffering or celebrate the demise of our enemies.

Tonight, though, I have to take a moment and celebrate. Osama bin Laden took so much away from so many people on a bright and beautiful day almost ten years ago. Moms and dads and kids and grandparents and so many promising futures were lost that day. I spent what should have been a happy day for me worrying about family members who should have been at work in harm's way and feeling remorseful for all that so many had lost.

But this year? This year I think I'm going to throw a party. It'll be my twenty-fifth birthday, after all, and since Osama took the joy out of my birthday for an entire decade, and since he's finally been sent to the Maker for reckoning for the chaos he created and lives he was responsible for on that day and in the war that followed, I feel like I can finally smile again on my birthday.

It felt wrong before, being happy and celebrating on a day when so many other people were mourning a tragic loss, but this year it seems only appropriate. Celebrate the lives of those who died, and celebrate being alive myself.

As you go about your day, don't forget to give thanks for the thousands of people over the last ten years who have fought, and sometimes died, to help protect us from the likes of bin Laden. Don't forget to say a little prayer for the innocents and civilians who died as a result of this war, both in America and overseas. And don't forget to do a little happy dance that finally, maybe, we can bring this war to a close.

More Small Blessings

After months of getting little to no sleep, things are finally turning around. Sweet'ums is finally going to bed easier and actually staying asleep at night. I've also figured out that part of her problem has been allergies and, per the doctor's orders, she's been getting Zyrtec (or the generic, rather) each night. I really wish I'd thought to do that sooner.

So in a lot of ways she's like a new kid. She's still hard to figure out and appease but at least she's sleeping better. And, as all moms know, a well rested child is a better behaved child.

Today in the mail we got the notice about her IEP meeting. I'm really dreading it but at the same time I'm looking forward to it. I guess the easiest way to say it is I'm scared. It's a huge change and I don't know what to expect. And on her first day I really want to drive her to school but I don't have a car of my own. No matter how it all works out I imagine her daddy will try to be home for it.

So that's all I have right now. I'll update again soon.

Grr

I hate when people who know my upbringing raise the subject of religion with me. The problem is that I'm very well educated but that education lends itself to looking at the faith from many sides, and not always the way people want me to look at it; they always end up thinking I'm some kind of heathen when really, I'm more at peace now with what I've learned on my own than I ever was with the stuff they taught me at church. It's a journey, folks. We don't all get there at the same time... And it would seem that the scenic route is meant for me.

So Fast

So lately a lot has been happening. We've had a long weekend dealing with a lack of sleep and us passing around a stomach bug, but some good is happening too.

For a couple years now we've struggled to get ready to buy a house. The good news is that we're almost there! Hubby's credit is in range, but the mortgage guy he talked to said to take another couple months to get one more thing in order so we could get a better interest rate and maybe a better mortgage (as a whole). So that is exciting! It's nice to know that we could go RIGHT NOW if we wanted and most likely get it, so waiting a little longer doesn't hurt as much.

The other good thing is that we finally got our copy of the report from Sweet'ums' evaluation. It looks like a pretty solid statement of autism but they want her tested again at a later time to make sure. They mentioned that with her being so young that the evaluation is indicative only of her current level of development and not of her future potential, and hence another reason for her to be re-tested in the future. The final judgment about her services will be left up to the staffing people, so pray that they'll help us out. I'm at my wit's end as to how to help her and I'll be pretty annoyed if I have to fight with insurance to get something done. I know in my heart that if they'll help her now she won't need their help later, but if this gets put off we're looking at a lifetime of playing catch-up. That wouldn't be fair to her.


Overall I'm excited right now that things are finally moving along in all of those areas that seemed stalled for so long. It's actually a little overwhelming, since it's all happening at once. And, mostly I'm thrilled that something's finally happening for Sweet'ums because what happens now might make the difference for her whole life. That's a huge deal to me.

So how are y'all doing out there?

More of me and my emotions

Tonight my heart is raw. It was a good day. Sweet'ums came home from her Sunday with MeMe and she was in a good mood. She was all over her daddy, hugging and kissing and she actually told us she loved us after she heard us say it to each other. It's hard to let her go to bed on days like this, knowing tomorrow may be the polar opposite.

My heart is screaming tonight, begging to just keep redoing today. I shouldn't feel like this. I should just be thankful for the good days we have, but it really feels unfair that every day isn't better, like today.

I feel really foolish, sitting here, crying. I'm talking to a friend of mine on Yahoo who has a little girl who has some issues, not the same issues as Sweet'ums, but they're similar enough that on a day to day basis she knows exactly how I'm feeling. She's such a blessing and I can't even say how good it is to be able to talk to someone who understands. I'd never wish this roller coaster feeling on anyone, but it's always uplifting when someone "gets" it.

I'm sorry to keep bringing all of this up. I'm a downer lately.

In other news, we went to a wedding last weekend. It was the first time NG and I had really dressed up together and I think we looked pretty good. The wedding was beautiful too. I got to see some friends from high school for the first time in years and just chill out. NG and I also got to dance together for the first time. I'm glad we ended up going. I almost didn't, but my friend I mentioned up there gave me the necessary pep talks to motivate me. :)

So I guess that's all I have for now. I leave you with a song I really like. This video isn't the best but I love the song.

The waiting game

Right now we're waiting for Sweet'ums' IEP meeting. This is driving me INSANE! They're dragging their feet and in the meantime my kid's behavior is getting worse, I have no idea how to help her, and neither of us are sleeping like we should. I'm exhausted, she's cranky, and nobody's happy.

I feel like my sanity is slipping some days. I'm getting forgetful, really bad, and it's from not sleeping or eating properly. My patience is slipping too and I find myself getting irritated over little things. And the trouble around here is only getting worse--the other night, my daughter bit me for the first time. Imagine my shock! I had to get NG up to help deal with her because she was fighting me so hard. I'm probably the only mom in the world who could get bitten by her 3 year old and somehow twist it around to be her own fault.

It's starting to take a toll on my marriage as well. I don't think we'd split over it, but there's the constant strain of the fussiness all day, the hours-long bedtime fight at night, and the fact that we now have no quiet time in the evenings to just spend together.We get upset at Sweet'ums and end up arguing with each other.

I don't get how the school board can make you wait six to eight weeks or longer for something like this, just like I don't see how they could make you wait three months per stage of testing (assuming there are no cancellations). They take their time and while you wait your child gets further and further behind, so that when they do start classes (or school, if you started the process late) you look like a bad parent for having such a delayed child. Why didn't you do something sooner? teachers ask. Well, it's because the ChildFind people are SO SLOW.

I don't really blame them, exactly. They seem short-staffed for what they're dealing with. But I do think there's a massive lack of understanding of what, exactly, parents are going through at home while they wait for help.

So while we wait we keep fighting at bedtime. We struggle to get her to tell us what she wants. We trudge through the occasional (luckily!) public and frequent at-home meltdowns, scared someone's going to call DCF when they hear her screaming because they think we're trying to hurt her. I feel like I hold my breath until the nights she spends with my mom but by the time those nights come I'm so used to being up all night that I still can't sleep. I feel like the world's worst parent for wanting so desperately to get away sometimes.

We have good moments though. She loves Stuart Little and airplanes. She loves gardening with me and helping me make yummy treats. She loves art and music. We have lots of great little moments when she's having good days or good hours. I still get hugs and sometimes even kisses, though normally I have to ask for them unless she's feeling unusually lovey. She's intrigued by her baby tomatoes and roses and sunflowers and daisies and checks on them every time we go outside. At least it's something we have in common.

I don't mean to sound so negative every time I get on here. I set out with good intentions to say some positive things but in the midst of being tired and frustrated and thinking back on last night's argument and how nonsensical it was and how I was so delirious with being tired I actually washed dishes IN ANGER, I find it harder to say nice things. I'm working on it though. I promise.

Oh, I know... I should say something nice about my husband while I'm here. :) He is the most understanding person most of the time. Last night, after I got done ranting and raving and saying all kinds of hurtful things, he still told me what a good mom I was being and how good I was doing hanging in there with what I was dealing with. And he's such a great dad too. He and Sweet'ums are two of a kind and they compliment each other in the most amazing way. :)

I hope everyone out there is having a great week.