Big changes are coming to my life. Sweet'ums will be in "school" every day soon for six or eight hours (however long "full time" is for preschoolers, I'm really not sure) and that leaves me home alone. I don't yet have a second vehicle so for the moment I have no clue what I'm going to do with myself. If transportation wasn't such an issue I'd just get a job but since we don't yet know when that will happen it looks like, for now, I'll just have to stay home.
When she starts school, it will be the first time in three and a half years that my days will truly be mine. The last time I was left to my own devices was back when I was pregnant, and I slept my days away then. Before that I was in college, so this really will be a first for me.
I don't know when or whether I will go back to work, but one thing is for certain: I have to work on me. I dabbled in weight loss a couple months ago and saw great progress before stress got to me and I fell off the wagon. I gotta get to work on that again, for my own health. I have to work on improving my housekeeping skills and making life around here as consistent and normal as I can. And, above all else, I have to figure out who I am when I'm not being a mom. Other than "Mommy" I have no idea who I am. I know I'm not the same person I was four years ago.
I'm thinking of branching my blog off in two directions. I'm thinking of making a new one to devote to Sweet'ums and one to my progress in figuring out who I am. I haven't completely decided yet.
What did you moms do when your kids started school? Those of you who were stay at home moms, did you continue staying home? What did you do with yourselves?
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
What might have been
I've handled everything well, I think. All things considered I've coped pretty good. I put on a brave face. I tell everyone we're going to be okay. I even believe it most of the time.
But sometimes, as a mom, I just want to hear her say "I love you".
Most people mean well. But they don't understand. I had a taste of her affection just before all of this started. She had just started telling me she loved me. She had just started showing spontaneous affection. Now most affection is mechanical and she seems to just be doing what's expected of her. Rarely does she kiss or hug me anymore without being told. Even more rarely does she verbalize her affection.
I don't know. Tonight it just got to me. He seems mad at me for some reason, says that both of us can't cry at once. He's had plenty of chances to cry. Most days I'm on top of my game and I keep it together well enough for the both of us. My heart is just breaking tonight.
But sometimes, as a mom, I just want to hear her say "I love you".
Most people mean well. But they don't understand. I had a taste of her affection just before all of this started. She had just started telling me she loved me. She had just started showing spontaneous affection. Now most affection is mechanical and she seems to just be doing what's expected of her. Rarely does she kiss or hug me anymore without being told. Even more rarely does she verbalize her affection.
I don't know. Tonight it just got to me. He seems mad at me for some reason, says that both of us can't cry at once. He's had plenty of chances to cry. Most days I'm on top of my game and I keep it together well enough for the both of us. My heart is just breaking tonight.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Autism
So we got a diagnosis. They're saying that for the purposes of the school board they're classifying her as mildly autistic.
This is actually a good thing since it helps us have easier access to the services that will help her get caught up and on track again.
I'll tell more later, since at the moment I'm exhausted, but I wanted to fill everyone in. Gnight and stay safe!
This is actually a good thing since it helps us have easier access to the services that will help her get caught up and on track again.
I'll tell more later, since at the moment I'm exhausted, but I wanted to fill everyone in. Gnight and stay safe!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Just thought I'd let everyone know
Tomorrow's the big day. We go for Round 2 of testing and maybe we'll see what's up with this wonderful kid of mine. Just keep your fingers crossed that it's something the state is willing to help out with!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Just needing to vent
Weeks like the last few have been, months like the last six or seven have been, are the times where I so completely miss having a local support structure of friends. I so desperately need time out and away without anyone's kids to just have fun and forget for a little while what's going on at home.
Sweet'ums hasn't been sleeping well. Last night she was up until almost 1:30, and that's pretty normal for how she's been being. Tonight she was asleep by 11:30, but I put her down an hour earlier, left her TV on for an hour, and then tried my hardest to not let her crying get to me and not bend to her will. She didn't cry very long, fortunately, because after last night (and all the nights before it) I don't know how well I could have handled a late night with her. I value my evening hours after everyone's in bed and I already don't get them to myself when her daddy's off, so losing them to her screaming has been hard.
Don't get me wrong. These nights are what being a mom is all about. Rocking, humming, mentally begging for a child to sleep. I just thought once we got past the first months (year?) of life that we'd largely be past this. I never expected such a high-maintenance child, and her first year or two of life didn't really prepare me for her to become this way. I love her exactly the way she is, but being tired makes me feel depressed and sad and when I'm that way it's a lot harder to be optimistic about the outcome of everything. I know tonight and the way I feel is just being tired... But it stinks when your mind won't turn off and you can't sleep. And it stinks when your kid can't sleep either.
I don't know what changed. She was in her new bed for days before this started so I don't think it's actually the change of her bed. I don't know what's scaring her though. I don't know what's upsetting her. She wants us to sleep with her, I know that, and I don't mind laying down with her, but she won't sleep if we're in there. Beyond that, I don't know what's bothering her.
My heart hurts for her. I want to scream sometimes. It's killing me to watch her grow up without her telling me what's on her mind. It breaks my heart when she's scared and won't tell me what she's afraid of. I've never met a child whose parents begged and pleaded with them at night to share what was frightening him or her, to no avail. I have never known someone who has gone through this. I am so horribly, awfully alone in that regard. I can handle it if she's got problems, but we have GOT to get her some kind of therapy and I've GOT to find me some friends I can spend time with apart from my family.
Her daddy called a little while ago and I broke down on the phone with him. I don't really know WHY I broke down like that. I know he's probably thinking that I'm losing my mind. But all I could do was cry. Every night I listen to my child scream like someone's trying to kill her and I'm basically powerless to fix it. When I DO lay down with her the screaming starts if I even shift my weight because she thinks I'm leaving her. And I never leave my job. I'm always with my job. She goes to my mom's, but by the time I'm finally starting to unwind she's home again. I love her, I hate being away from her, but sometimes I feel like maybe I really am starting to lose my mind. She screams less during the day, but there's so little positive feedback from her that there's nothing to make up for the bad stuff. I'm emotionally and mentally drained.
Some people would say I'm just throwing myself a doozy of a pity party, but whatever. My child told me tonight how she loved the Wonder Pets, her "magic flower lamp", her froggie... but no mention of Mommy, even when Mommy made sure to say it to Sweet'ums. My child is three and a half years old and I can count on one hand the times she's told me she loves me.
I'm going to try to sleep. I just needed to vent a little. I'm trying so hard to handle all of this and stay positive but it's practically impossible some days. Fortunately it's eight days until her testing date. I'm praying they can help us somehow.
Sweet'ums hasn't been sleeping well. Last night she was up until almost 1:30, and that's pretty normal for how she's been being. Tonight she was asleep by 11:30, but I put her down an hour earlier, left her TV on for an hour, and then tried my hardest to not let her crying get to me and not bend to her will. She didn't cry very long, fortunately, because after last night (and all the nights before it) I don't know how well I could have handled a late night with her. I value my evening hours after everyone's in bed and I already don't get them to myself when her daddy's off, so losing them to her screaming has been hard.
Don't get me wrong. These nights are what being a mom is all about. Rocking, humming, mentally begging for a child to sleep. I just thought once we got past the first months (year?) of life that we'd largely be past this. I never expected such a high-maintenance child, and her first year or two of life didn't really prepare me for her to become this way. I love her exactly the way she is, but being tired makes me feel depressed and sad and when I'm that way it's a lot harder to be optimistic about the outcome of everything. I know tonight and the way I feel is just being tired... But it stinks when your mind won't turn off and you can't sleep. And it stinks when your kid can't sleep either.
I don't know what changed. She was in her new bed for days before this started so I don't think it's actually the change of her bed. I don't know what's scaring her though. I don't know what's upsetting her. She wants us to sleep with her, I know that, and I don't mind laying down with her, but she won't sleep if we're in there. Beyond that, I don't know what's bothering her.
My heart hurts for her. I want to scream sometimes. It's killing me to watch her grow up without her telling me what's on her mind. It breaks my heart when she's scared and won't tell me what she's afraid of. I've never met a child whose parents begged and pleaded with them at night to share what was frightening him or her, to no avail. I have never known someone who has gone through this. I am so horribly, awfully alone in that regard. I can handle it if she's got problems, but we have GOT to get her some kind of therapy and I've GOT to find me some friends I can spend time with apart from my family.
Her daddy called a little while ago and I broke down on the phone with him. I don't really know WHY I broke down like that. I know he's probably thinking that I'm losing my mind. But all I could do was cry. Every night I listen to my child scream like someone's trying to kill her and I'm basically powerless to fix it. When I DO lay down with her the screaming starts if I even shift my weight because she thinks I'm leaving her. And I never leave my job. I'm always with my job. She goes to my mom's, but by the time I'm finally starting to unwind she's home again. I love her, I hate being away from her, but sometimes I feel like maybe I really am starting to lose my mind. She screams less during the day, but there's so little positive feedback from her that there's nothing to make up for the bad stuff. I'm emotionally and mentally drained.
Some people would say I'm just throwing myself a doozy of a pity party, but whatever. My child told me tonight how she loved the Wonder Pets, her "magic flower lamp", her froggie... but no mention of Mommy, even when Mommy made sure to say it to Sweet'ums. My child is three and a half years old and I can count on one hand the times she's told me she loves me.
I'm going to try to sleep. I just needed to vent a little. I'm trying so hard to handle all of this and stay positive but it's practically impossible some days. Fortunately it's eight days until her testing date. I'm praying they can help us somehow.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Growing up
Today I did something I might never get to do again.
Let me start at the beginning. The other night we put Sweet'ums to bed and we had hardly made it down the hallway before she was banging on her bedroom door, screaming for us. So I went back, rocked her for what seemed like ages, and she cuddled against me with a blanket over her head and a flashlight in her hand.
Later I swapped places with her daddy, who decided to try to talk to her. Half an hour later, he called me in to tell me he'd figured out the problem.
To start with he had Sweet'ums lay down on her bed and in her unique way she asked him to make a "[Sweet'ums] House" and get in it with her. He asked her what it was so she showed him. She pulled the blanket over their heads and held onto her little flashlight. Then he asked her why she was afraid. She started flickering the flashlight on and then off. Poor kid is afraid of the dark.
So before she went to visit my mom and dad we installed a new ceiling fan for her with a dimmer switch so we could leave a dim light on for her at night. Then, over the course of this weekend, we've gradually made some changes in the interest of making bedtimes easier.
So today, on this day of love, I dismantled what was my baby's crib and then toddler bed so I could put it together as its final stage, a full bed. It was bittersweet, because even though she's healthy and growing it kills me to pack away those reminders of her baby phases. I cried. So many nights I've leaned against that thing, sitting on the floor trying to rock her back to sleep.
I thought about how I put it together all by myself when I was seven or eight months pregnant because I was mad at Nice Guy. I thought about all the nights we leaned over the railing soothing a baby back to sleep, how many times I've had to half-dismantle the thing to lower the mattress, and finally taking off the front to turn it into a daybed just after she turned 2. How hard it was watching her adjust to a "big girl bed" and realizing how fast she was growing up, even though she was still just a little one.
Tonight we tucked her into her "new" big bed and even though she's still mad at us for leaving her in there (not scared tonight, though, as far as I can tell) she's embarking on a new phase. I'm at a point in life where it seems like time is just flying past me and it's a tad bit overwhelming.
And I just keep thinking how sad it makes me that I might never do that again. This might be the last time I rebuild a bed for a baby of mine. Bittersweet stuff.
I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again: Growing up is hard for a mom to do.
Let me start at the beginning. The other night we put Sweet'ums to bed and we had hardly made it down the hallway before she was banging on her bedroom door, screaming for us. So I went back, rocked her for what seemed like ages, and she cuddled against me with a blanket over her head and a flashlight in her hand.
Later I swapped places with her daddy, who decided to try to talk to her. Half an hour later, he called me in to tell me he'd figured out the problem.
To start with he had Sweet'ums lay down on her bed and in her unique way she asked him to make a "[Sweet'ums] House" and get in it with her. He asked her what it was so she showed him. She pulled the blanket over their heads and held onto her little flashlight. Then he asked her why she was afraid. She started flickering the flashlight on and then off. Poor kid is afraid of the dark.
So before she went to visit my mom and dad we installed a new ceiling fan for her with a dimmer switch so we could leave a dim light on for her at night. Then, over the course of this weekend, we've gradually made some changes in the interest of making bedtimes easier.
So today, on this day of love, I dismantled what was my baby's crib and then toddler bed so I could put it together as its final stage, a full bed. It was bittersweet, because even though she's healthy and growing it kills me to pack away those reminders of her baby phases. I cried. So many nights I've leaned against that thing, sitting on the floor trying to rock her back to sleep.
I thought about how I put it together all by myself when I was seven or eight months pregnant because I was mad at Nice Guy. I thought about all the nights we leaned over the railing soothing a baby back to sleep, how many times I've had to half-dismantle the thing to lower the mattress, and finally taking off the front to turn it into a daybed just after she turned 2. How hard it was watching her adjust to a "big girl bed" and realizing how fast she was growing up, even though she was still just a little one.
Tonight we tucked her into her "new" big bed and even though she's still mad at us for leaving her in there (not scared tonight, though, as far as I can tell) she's embarking on a new phase. I'm at a point in life where it seems like time is just flying past me and it's a tad bit overwhelming.
And I just keep thinking how sad it makes me that I might never do that again. This might be the last time I rebuild a bed for a baby of mine. Bittersweet stuff.
I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again: Growing up is hard for a mom to do.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Upcoming Excitings
So we finally heard back from the people about the next stage of Sweet'ums' testing. So far it's looking like March, but the lady said that there's only one other appointment between now and Sweet'ums' appointment and as of this morning she hadn't gotten a confirmation from the other kid's parents. So, she said, if she doesn't get a reply she's going to move us up to that date. Cross your fingers.
I've also got a wedding to go to in April! I'm really excited about that one. It'll be tons of fun and I'm excited for this friend to get married. I haven't been to a "real" wedding in years either and it'll be a first for me and the hubs. It'll be in this gorgeous location and I'm so so excited!
So we're on track for getting answers on Sweet'ums and I've got some stuff to be excited about. Hope everyone is having a good week!
I've also got a wedding to go to in April! I'm really excited about that one. It'll be tons of fun and I'm excited for this friend to get married. I haven't been to a "real" wedding in years either and it'll be a first for me and the hubs. It'll be in this gorgeous location and I'm so so excited!
So we're on track for getting answers on Sweet'ums and I've got some stuff to be excited about. Hope everyone is having a good week!
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