Sibling Rivalry

My inner child is throwing a huge tantrum. I've decided to ignore his situation, and the girl, and the entire thing, pretend like it isn't happening, and when she breaks his heart or screws up his life, oh well--my mom and dad always said he had to learn the hard way when we were kids. But despite this decision, I'm having some major sibling rivalry/inadequacy issues.

I never felt good enough in comparison. I think they always wanted a son, and if he'd come along first they probably wouldn't have tried again--heaven only knows she had enough trouble having me. And my whole life growing up, I felt like the bad guy. I was always blamed for fights no matter which of us really started them, because I was older and should "know better" and put a stop to it. If I made the slightest mistake I got in trouble, and yet he always had excuses made for him. He had this medical problem as a child, and it justifies this mistake. He had that medical problem as a child so it excuses that error. The thing is, his medical issues were relatively minor and had no permanent impact on his well-being as a whole. They spent more money trying to fix my medical issues as a child, and I have permanent problems as a result, but do I get excuses? Nope. I'm still the bad guy. I'm still the one blamed when there's an argument and I'm still the one they lecture, despite being married, with a child, and living away from home.

I know that growing up that way was helpful in so many ways, but it sucks to be a kid constantly seeking someone's approval and never getting it. Even now, if they tell me they're proud of me, it's usually followed by a "but". And I know, deep down, that they really are proud, but it's hard to believe it when you've got a sibling who seems to be the Golden Child. Never does anything wrong, at least not that anything gets done about. And the thing is, none of the authority figures I ever dealt with ever really showed approval of what I tried to do. Everyone took an interest in him, and I always got ignored. No matter how hard I tried, someone was always liked better than I was. People at church, family members, school folks. I was smart, and polite, and well-behaved, followed by a "but" and something my brother did that was so much cooler.

None of it really matters. I'll continue going through life seeking approval from people I shouldn't and he'll go through life with people making excuses for his mistakes. I'll continue to be the daughter with the abrasive personality, the tendency for being overbearing and domineering, and the exceptionally bad luck. He'll continue to be the slacker with the cute smile, laid back personality, and the one everyone prefers to be around. Even though so many of my undesirable personality quirks come from years of being responsible for him because he had X Medical Problem and being told it was my job to look after him when Mom wasn't nearby. I took my job, and my life, very seriously and did what was expected of me. So now, I'm over it. I'm done looking after someone who doesn't care and who shows no respect. I'm over the expectations. And I'm done being the one who swoops in and fixes things when they're broken.

If everyone wants to let him make his mistakes, that's fine. But I won't stand around and watch, and I won't be the clean-up crew any more.

My inner child is throwing a huge tantrum. Most likely, no one will ever know.