Emotional Overload

Lately I've had to be the rock, and I'm not used to that.

With NG's grandmother is very sick (late Stage IV bone cancer) he's coming under (indirect) pressure to be the stable one in his family, who raised him with that "boys don't cry" mentality. He's always been the stable and consistent one, the big brother to three little sisters. There's a downside to it though, too--while everyone else is allowed to break down and release those emotions, he's expected to sit back and tough it out with nothing more than a grim look on his face. Here at home I encourage him to be as emotional as he needs to be, because I know him--he's a softie. He's got a big heart and he's very compassionate, and it hurts me deeply to see him hurting so much and still having to hold it in with the people who should the first ones to accept it.

Don't get me wrong--nobody is telling him to be macho. But when you're raised a certain way, and the members of your family behave a certain way, it's hard to deviate. His dad is the same way--show no emotion, unless it's manly anger.

Being the oldest, and a boy, I can kind of see the logic--by the logic of a lot of our parents' generation, the boys are supposed to look after the girls and be strong for them. But what about his feelings? He's as close to his grandmother as they are. He's got more memories of her than they do because he's been with her longer.

So he's a mess. He's making himself sick to his stomach over everything, and I'm doing my best to be strong for him so he can just relax. He also mentioned something else that I'm trying to prepare for: as one of the more reliable of the grandkids, and with his mother and her sisters all being basket-cases over the whole thing, he's probably going to end up being responsible for helping with aspects of the planning. Another thing I'm worried about is what will happen to his grandfather. He's going blind so he can't drive and he's alright taking care of himself for a couple days at a time, but I don't know about long-term. I don't know what they're planning on doing about him. I'm assuming that what is most likely to happen is that someone in the family will move in and help look after Grandpa. Time will tell.

For now, Grandma will be placed in a hospice-type care setting near my home. It's a really nice place. Honestly, though, I don't expect her to linger long--NG's mom thinks Grandma might have six months. NG and I both estimate more conservatively, thinking more in the ballpark of eight weeks max. The thing is, when we were visiting her, both of us noticed something that neither of us wanted to talk about at the time.

When someone's sick and about to die there's this sort of smell that hangs around. It's not a smell, exactly, but something akin to it, something you feel in your nose that makes you uneasy, makes you want to run away and not look back. It was there, Monday, in the room with her. I noticed and NG did too, but both of us were uneasy enough that neither of us wanted to talk about it until today.

So combining that with everything else, I feel really overwhelmed. I have NG to worry about, as well as Sweet'ums, and one of NG's sisters seems to rely a lot on us for stability, so I feel like I've got a lot of people counting on me. I don't mind, especially since that's kind of what a woman is supposed to do for her family, but I just haven't had to be on this side of things since we've been married. He's worried about his parents' marriage and things like that, but this is the first really serious thing to happen on his side since we've been together.

He's handling it well considering the circumstances but I don't know how long he can hold it together. Pray for us all, and pray that I can fulfill my part in this to the best of my abilities.