Oh, Brother

I just got into a fight with my little brother that I really wasn't looking for. I wish I'd found Melinda's post about tone about fifteen minutes sooner...It's a great reminder, except I'd already dug myself a hole before I found it.

I've mentioned before that my brother has a girlfriend.

I've also mentioned that I don't like her.

Not that the rest of the family is really fond of her, either.

I called GG last night to invite him over for dinner with us. Unfortunately he had to get up early today to go to work, but I told him he was welcome to come over today instead. He failed to tell me he wanted to go to his girlfriend's house because she wasn't in school today.

I was on the phone with Mom when he came in from work so I asked her to convey an invitation to him for me to come for supper. He told her no, that he was going to his girlfriend's house. So I asked to speak to him.

I promise, all I really wanted to express was that I miss him, and I wish he'd come around more. He used to stay the night with us all the time. Now I'm lucky if I even catch him at home when I go see my parents.

Instantly, he took that defensive tone. He started talking about how he hadn't seen his girlfriend in quite a while (which is a lie because he got into a fight with my mom last weekend about how late he was staying out, since he lives in a house with people who worry when he doesn't call) and how he wanted to see her since she's not in school today. Unfortunately I didn't watch myself and I took a nasty tone back--why is it that he just has to spend every off moment with her, when he can't even show up to family stuff anymore on account of her? Why can't he spend one afternoon with his sister for a change?

I admit, I'm hurt. I think that's why I got kind of angry. It's not an excuse, but let's face it. Women have a hard time controlling themselves (or their words) when they're angry.

It digressed into an argument about how she's tried friending me on Myspace a couple times (not the "over and over again" that he wanted to insist--I've only denied her twice) and me arguing that I don't keep people on my Myspace who aren't my friends. After all, I've got a cousin and two sisters-in-law who aren't on my Myspace that I'm closer to than I am to his girlfriend. He argued that I've done nothing but make remarks about her, which again isn't entirely true--I've gone out of my way the last couple months to avoid saying anything about her to him (which isn't hard since he never calls) or to my mom. Sometimes things slip out to Mom but only on a rare occasion anymore. I don't talk about her to my brother unless he brings her up, and even then I try to limit it to something like, "I don't really want to talk about her, so what's going on at work?" I've NEVER said anything to his girlfriend that was out of the way. Holy smokes, I've even dumbed myself down to the point of discussing pop culture just to be polite to her.

Then GG hit a real nerve with me: she just wants everyone in the family to like her, he says. She wants to be a part of our family. She's even so sorry about Sweet'ums' birthday and has apologized to him so many times for it, because she just "didn't know".

Well, she still hasn't apologized to me (you know, mother of the child and person who paid money she didn't have so that family could enjoy themselves). As much time as my brother has spent over there and she has yet to ask for my phone number so she could apologize. And she can't claim she didn't know--she knew where GG was, and what the occasion was, so it was entirely unnecessary for her to cause the scene with him that she did. She knew he was upset and that we were too, and she proceeded to pull that stunt.

I'm not one to hold a grudge or just stay angry, but I don't easily forget hurts. I avoid people and circumstances that I know are apt to be awkward or painful or difficult. Kick a dog and he'll still be nice to you, but he's going to be a lot more shy around you, right? This girl does nothing but create awkward situations and interrupt family events, so of course I don't want to be her bosom buddy.

I know I'm in the wrong too. I need to build bridges and be friendlier and more understanding. She IS a kid, after all (seventeen, for crying out loud... my brother's twenty-one!). I just can't help but feel like if she's "mature" enough to handle what amounts to an adult relationship, then she needs to be mature enough to apologize when it's warranted, encourage him to spend time with other members of the family, and balance the time he spends with her and her family with time with his side too.

Past events aside, she's made no effort (besides the Myspace friending attempts) to reach out to me. Honestly, I don't count Myspace as much of an attempt--I have people on Myspace I care a great deal for, but it's no substitute for having a real relationship with them. The majority of my Myspace friends are people I talk to on the phone when I can, even if it's not often.

In some ways I feel like I'm being punished because I don't feel a desire or a need to be the newest member of her clique or to make her part of mine. I haven't made a lot of an effort to reach out either, mostly because I haven't felt like there's anything in common to build a relationship on (besides wanting to have my brother around).

I just wish my brother could look at the situation from both sides, instead of just his girlfriend's. I know it's awkward to be between someone you're in a relationship with and someone who doesn't like them because I've lived with it for almost five years. But learning to navigate that is a huge part of relationship maturity and neither of them has learned it. Where they're standing is awkward, but it's awkward on our end too. It's never fun to have to put up with someone you can't stand just because you know that, if you don't, you won't get to see someone you care a lot about.

I know what needs to be done, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.

And I don't want to be the one to make the first move. *stomps feet and pouts*

But I miss my brother. We were so close for a little while, and now I feel like I've lost him.